You can’t scroll for half a hot second and not see some pithy plea to practice gratitude. Usually, this type of thing makes us a bit nuts but this is perhaps the only exception to that rule.
Gratitude IS the bomb-diggity. It is the shizzle. The juice. And it's because it works.
Grateful to, grateful for, grateful because, grateful in spite of, whatever you choose, it doesn’t matter. Because as soon as you think it, say it or write it, your life—including your health and your relationships—instantly gets better.
Whether it's your life, your kids, your spouse, your pets, your time, your home, your family, your whatever, developing the skill to think of those things—especially in those moments when they might not be at their best—is one of the best mental habits you can create.
So, sit back, grab a glass of something yummy, and soak in a conversation about all the wonderful whys and ways to up your gratitude game.
You can’t scroll for half a hot second and not see some pithy plea to practice gratitude. Usually, this type of thing makes us a bit nuts but this is perhaps the only exception to that rule.
Gratitude IS the bomb-diggity. It is the shizzle. The juice. And it's because it works.
Grateful to, grateful for, grateful because, grateful in spite of, whatever you choose, it doesn’t matter. Because as soon as you think it, say it or write it, your life—including your health and your relationships—instantly gets better.
Whether it's your life, your kids, your spouse, your pets, your time, your home, your family, your whatever, developing the skill to think of those things—especially in those moments when they might not be at their best—is one of the best mental habits you can create.
So, sit back, grab a glass of something yummy, and soak in a conversation about all the wonderful whys and ways to up your gratitude game.
Hi there, I'm Stasha.
Cheryl Stuller:I'm Cheryl.
Stasha Boyd:And between us we
Cheryl Stuller:have four kids,
Stasha Boyd:three businesses,
Cheryl Stuller:two husbands and one goal:
Stasha Boyd:To get to The Point of the Matter:
Cheryl Stuller:Especially when you're going through something hard, it's really sometimes, it's easy to get into that negative mindset, and hard to get out of it. And and trying that grateful, gratitude thing is one way to get you out of that.
Stasha Boyd:It always doesn't have to be grateful for something positive, you can say, I am so grateful that I did not lose my temper on that woman that I was on the phone with from the insurance company. I am so grateful that I held it together today. You know, look at me, look at me adulting up in this bitch. Look at me. Hello, hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl Stuller:Hey, Chica, how are you?
Stasha Boyd:I'm going it's going pretty good. It's going pretty good overall. I will tell you this, we had again, another fantastic, wonderful weekend. A friend of ours had his 50th birthday. And he had had this big plan to do like this whole cruise thing. And then that fell apart. And so we ended up having like a blowout at his house. And holy cow was it a blow out. And then that was like, from like, one to five. And then the party
was still going at 6:30. So we invited ourselves to join some other friends with them. We basically crashed their dinner reservation. And then from there, the next day was Football Sunday in America. So I think I just scratched myself bloody again. Dammit, dammit. Honestly, Cheryl, at some point, I'm going to solve this problem. I'm so sorry, dear listeners. Let me give you guys a quick heads up, I got into some kind of poison ivy-ish thing. And I'm trying very hard not to scratch. I'm on the tail end of it. But every once in a while I just scratch something. And next thing I know I'm bleeding. So alright.
Cheryl Stuller:You have been dealing with that for a while.
Stasha Boyd:A month, honey, it's bullshit is what it is. How about you? How was your weekend?
Cheryl Stuller:I just today had a lovely conversation with Jennifer who is one of our listeners, a very good friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in a while. And she just encouraged me to, she said she loves the podcast. She learns from it, She researches some of what we talk about that she didn't know about. And she wants us to keep doing it. And she's going to help, you know, promote us on her Facebook page. So we just had and we caught up on each other's lives and everything. So it was so good to talk to her today. And it was like an hour long conversation which I don't normally sit still for that. So that was really cool. I can do it in a car when I'm driving. But not normally when I'm in you know doing something else.
Stasha Boyd:Well, that is nice. I mean, it's like the that feeling of encouragement that, you know, that somebody is hearing something that things are getting done. And you know, and I've had friends tell me that they've listened to it as well. But I think every once in a while I'll just get that kind of thing. Like it's because it is a lot of work and we're gonna do a we're gonna do a podcast coming up here in a couple of weeks or next week maybe on like lessons learned and things that we've learned over the years. And I tell you, I got some notes on the amount of work this is, it's a lot of work.
Cheryl Stuller:It's a lot of work for you and Olivia.
Stasha Boyd:For a lot of learning and it's a lot of learning. So anyway, that's that's where we are with that. But because of that I'm just having I'm kind of catching up on my kombucha beverages. So I've got a ginger blueberry kombucha here, and I kind of just like mix it in with a little bit of the ginger beer. So to get a little bit of more zing. That's my beverage this evening.
Cheryl Stuller:And I was drinking this weekend too. So I'm not drinking today.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, that's the thing cause we, to let the listeners know, we record this on Monday nights. So it's like, okay, every Monday we've just come off of a weekend of hopefully having fun. Now that things are really reopening. And for us down here in Florida, the weather is just turning glorious. So the reason we live in Florida is to have this weather in the winter. But it's just, it's it's just every now and then you got to calm down. Every Monday, got to calm down.
Cheryl Stuller:So we are talking about gratitude today. And I well, let me give you the meaning of that. First, I always love to research the meaning of things. It's the quality of being thankful and being willing to show appreciation and kindness, which is what we need these days I think. I think everybody is so amped up and quick to anger. You see it a lot on the media. And it's just a good reminder, I think, for all of us, including myself to be grateful for the small things. And the connections that we have and the things that we are able to do. Like, I'm so thankful that I get to, that my body moves well, and I'm able to move it well, just little things like that, that we can be grateful for.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah. And I think, you know, I always like to kick it off with like, you know, why do why do we think this is important to our listeners? And then why is it important to me personally, and for me, I think the idea of talking about gratitude is important to women in their 50s, especially, is because we're at a point in time where there is so much to be grateful for. But there's also a lot of things that are becoming either old hat, old habits, it's good to be reminded about certain things, some things we're taking for granted. Other things, you know, there are these little things that are just going away, and it's like for some folks, they're gonna go away, you still have to find ways to be grateful about it. And I had, for me personally, it's like, again, one of those, like, really life changing understandings is, I have, I come from a long line of very complaining cranky people. Um, and you know, and it's one of those things where years years ago, I made the decision that I did not want to be that way. And I didn't know what the difference needed to be. But I had to learn. And it really was, I think, the idea of gratitude. And I'd found books and of course, gratitude journals and, and things like that. And I have kept a I have like, actually have a little app on my phone. That's called Gratitude Rock. And every morning at 9am, I hear a little ding. And it means it's time to like write something in that little app. And it might just be something as you know, man, I'm glad we replaced the cushions on these chairs. Or I'm glad I can afford to replace the cushions on these chairs, or the weather's great today or just something small. And it's almost always very small, to to just write it down. It's a wonderful little attitude adjustment sometimes.
Cheryl Stuller:Well, that's what Jennifer was saying today, she actually keeps a gratitude journal, which was one of the things they recommended doing. And she said, when I can't think of anything grateful to put down and have gratitude about I will look in my journal, and just look at any given day that she's written something down, and she'll go, Oh, yeah, as a reminder, I have all of these things that I can be grateful for, even when I'm feeling low, or having a bad day. And, and it picks her up immediately. And it reminds her of all the, like you said little things that we have, that we should be grateful for, that we forget about and that we take for granted.
Stasha Boyd:Other side of that though, it's almost like there's this the the flip side, because a lot of people are almost fetishizing gratitude now. And, and journaling and all of this kind of stuff to the point where they're, they're shaming people who aren't grateful. It's like, well, you just need to be more grateful, if you were more grateful this would happen. And some days you're not feeling all that grateful, and some days there really is something shitty going on, or some days, you know, just mentally you're just not there or something. Do I think that as a the preponderance of my week, I should have something to focus on to be grateful about? Absolutely. But I don't feel like a failure if I don't do it every day.
Cheryl Stuller:Absolutely not. And I've always said this, I have said this to our listeners all the time. You have to have your feelings and the feelings that you have right out of the gate. Are your true feelings. And then you get to process through that, have those feels and then you can reflect back and go okay, now wait a minute, that was shitty. What that person did was shitty, what that situation was was shitty. But here's the silver lining in that, and I am so not that person. I can hang on to a grudge like nobody's business. I can kick people out of my life very quickly, if if there's been a situation with them. So I for me today, you know, just doing the research on this, it kind of brings it back to the forefront that, you know, we all have something to be grateful for, and how gratitude for. I think I'm really good at doing that with people. But for myself, I think I tend to look at things and hold on to things negatively longer than I should. So today really helped me remind myself that, you know, you've got to look past the bad shit that's going on. And find something you can hang on to that's positive.
Stasha Boyd:Well, and that goes to the hedonic adaption thing that we'll be talking about in a minute. But it is that idea that because you're like you always say like that first feeling you have is your true feeling. And my philosophy is that first feeling that you have is your habitual feeling. That's the habit you've gotten into. This thing occurs or something that's similar. Somebody says something that just sets you off or whatever it is. And your brain, your mind is going to go right to the same place that it always goes. Now, if your habit is for if somebody says something you don't like, and you're like, Oh my God, they're disrespecting me. If that's the habit where your brain goes, anytime you hear that, that's how you're gonna feel you'll feel anger, you'll feel irritation, or whatever that is, until you break the habit and say, Okay, well, maybe they were disrespecting me, or maybe they weren't thinking of me at all. And maybe they just said something. And maybe I don't have to be mad about it, until you can change the habit of where your mind goes. And I think that's part of what that gratitude journaling does and what doing it every day, is because it breaks the habit, and it gives you a new one. So when you're first reaching out for a thought, or something happens, your first thought your earlier in the line thought is something positive. And good.
Cheryl Stuller:You are absolutely right, I had a conversation with someone that, that your he, I think he was trying to say something different than how it actually came out. But because we have a history and your brain goes right to that initial hurt. That's what your brain picks up on first. And that's exactly what happened. And, but I had to feel all of that and get through that and say, Well, maybe that's not how that person meant to say that. And, and I had to do that for myself, I had to think through that. And really analyze it and say, Is that really what that person meant to make you feel, you know, not that somebody can make you feel something but you know, some sometimes people can say things to you that trigger you and bring you back to that space.
Stasha Boyd:Well, and sometimes somebody is trying to push your buttons too, you know, somebody is trying to push a button, or they're doing something they know is gonna push a button, and they truly don't care. It's like, that's, it's like, okay, I'm just I just got to speak my mind here. And I don't care how they take it. And I find that to be an extremely unkind position. And that's going back to like that thing about the people that I know who have this tendency. They're like, well, I just gotta have a say, and I'm just gonna speak my mind. And I'm my thought is is like, I don't think that everybody everywhere needs to hear a negative opinion that you have all the time. Yo know, maybe something did go rong. Maybe you did get bad ser ice, maybe this, maybe your fo d was overcooked or underco ked. But do you have to bring i up? You know, because it just injects negativity, anythin. And again, you're not there's no gratitude there. Like you wer saying, it's like, let's s y cuz we I was out to lunch w th some people last week. A d one of the people in this bi ger party, just, it doesn't matter where we go, it's either onna be slow service, bad ser ice, the food's not gonna b right, they didn't leave o f something they should have le t off, they didn't put somethi g on that they should have put o, you know, whatever it is, i's always going to be som thing. And my response is tha you told them that you did't want this particular spi e on your sandwich. Send it bac. Well, it took so long to get the food y'all be finished eat ng before I get mine. I'm lik, Okay, then. Take it off you self. You know, so I'm out there throwing out idea after id a after idea. And of course that's futile. That's stup d on my part, I was I should ha e known better. But, um, but because they were really comm tted to the this negative ex erience they were having. An that's something else too. I think sometimes, you know, hen you are around people, because again, they couldn't be rateful for the fact that we wer having lunch, they couldn't be rateful for the fact that we ere all together. They cou dn't be grateful for the fact that we had just, you know, got en some some information back hat was really good and positive about a medical issue we were wa ting to find out about. None of that could overcome the f ct that there was, you know, ot sa
Cheryl Stuller:Well, and in you know, and I find this with people, it's so easy for people to be negative, and so hard for people to be positive.
Stasha Boyd:Why do you think that is?
Cheryl Stuller:And well, because I think once that train gets going, it's those negative thoughts that run down the hill. And, you know, and it's, it's that type of like you said, we action that you go back to, and and it's with gratitude, you actually have to train your brain differently. If you're not that person. And it has to become a habit and you have to work at it. It's like a relationship. You have to work at being grateful and having gratitude. But when you do that, it's a game changer for all the way down to your body, how your body reacts to things. If you are, if you're feeling gratitude, you start to feel relaxed. I mean, it affects your blood pressure, it affects your mood and your affect. It's it's a all encompassing thing. And it's one of the most powerful tools that we have to change behaviors if we know how to practice it.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, and I think that is that, it's that mental interrupter. So it's like when you kind of come up with an idea about gratitude. And especially when you're in the midst of a negative thought process, it interrupts it, interrupts the cycle. So now you're like putting a positive thought in there. I wonder sometimes, if people are just so addicted to feeling like shit all the time, that they just kind of keep putting themselves back there. Everything is outrageous. Everything is angering. Everything is triggering. Everything is awful. And so suddenly, they find themselves feeling somewhat happy and grateful, that just becomes uncomfortable for them, because they're not used to it.
Cheryl Stuller:Mm hmm. Yeah. Your thoughts and feelings can be a habit. Absolutely. That's why changing that is something that you really have to work at, and recommended to work at on a daily basis, even if it's just waking up in the morning, and saying one thing that you're grateful for before you start your day and starting off in that kind of positive mode, before you even let your feet hit the floor.
Stasha Boyd:And I think I mentioned this to you at one point. One point in my life, when I was like, it was actually like a like a year ago, especially during COVID. When everything just felt so bad all the time. One of the habits I had developed was you know, I roll over in the morning, and I reach over and I grab that phone. And before I've even gotten out of bed, it's all the bad news in the world, all the bullshit right into my eyes, as I'm still barely conscious. So um, I don't know if I saw, I don't know if somebody recommended I do this, or if I saw it written somewhere. But they suggested keeping a little pad of sticky notes next to your bed. And before you go to bed, when you go to bed at night, think of one thing you did that you're proud of yourself for. And it can also be a gratitude, it could be like, I'm grateful for this, or you got three things done today, or you helped somebody whatever it is that that positive thing, write that on a sticky note and put it on the front of your phone. So that if you are in that habit of reaching over and picking up that phone, the first thing you read, read in the morning is something positive about yourself something you're grateful for something to just break that cycle of negative waves first thing when you wake up.
Cheryl Stuller:That's a great idea. Actually, I like that idea. And it's good if you write it down, too, because it's that flow through of not just thinking it but you're putting it into words and you're writing it down. It's something you can look at later and reaffirm.
Stasha Boyd:And it literally takes 15 seconds. You know, because that's what a lot of folks will say is like, Oh, I don't have time to journal. If I had time to journal, I wouldn't be this, that and the other and it's sort of like, okay, I think you're not writing a novel, you can write three bullet points that counts as journaling. It could be one sentence that counts, it could be a mark in the corner of your, of your data they brought or it could be if you keep notes on your phone, you can just have a note on your phone, just just put a sentence. That's another one of the things I highly recommend people have a tendency to overcomplicate things. It's like okay, what's the easiest way I can do this? What is the easiest way I could write something positive down twice a day?
Cheryl Stuller:Mm hmm. Absolutely.
Stasha Boyd:And if you're, if you're like middle aged, like me, and you like pencil and paper, and you like sticky notes, get you a pack of sticky notes down there at you know, Best Buy or wherever it is. And just keep it by the bed.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah, because that's easily accessible. I think sometimes when we put stuff on our phone, it's easy to ignore it because you have to get to it. You know, seeing it in the mirror, or seeing it on your dresser when you wake up is cool, because it's right there. And you can see it.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, cuz that that is one thing, I have to be careful of with my little reminder, because sometimes I'll hear it go off. And this will happen to me like a week or two on end, I'll hear it go off and I'll just go, oh, it's nine o'clock. And I won't stop and do my little gratitude typing. Because one more thing to ignore. And so you have to be careful. It's like if you're getting like oversaturated with the bells and whistles and the dings and the notifications that don't do that then because then it doesn't help. It just makes things harder. But ifs something's helping let it help.
Cheryl Stuller:So here's something I ran across as I was researching this topic, and it's called hedonic adaptation. And it's something I had never ever heard of. I was like, What is are we is this S&M stuff that we're mixing in with gratitude? What is going on? But it's defined as a tendency to return to a relatively stable level of emotion. Whether you are having a positive event or a negative event, you come back to that level that you've gotten yourself to that you're comfortable with, like you were saying before, where people tend to play that negative wheel a lot, unless you're a really positive person, you know, and I and I don't, I don't gravitate towards the really positive people, either. I don't think we should be so positive and happy all the time. Because I don't think that's real. I think it's great to have that attitude most of the time. You know, I think you should have a range of emotions. I don't think you should be any one way all the time.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah. I mean, I know some people that I do believe they're, they're just naturally happy, positive people, you know that. And again, maybe that's because I, my experience is in Up with People. Because I know vast numbers of them who are just like that. And they're just curious and enthusiastic. And, you know, it's just kind of their jam. It's what they do. And I love it. Because when I'm around them, I get right back into that same, that same feeling. And it does kind of like raise the level a little bit. But if you're a person like me, who's not quite that high all the time, I'm a little bit lower than that like that as my kind of middle of the road place. It can be exhausting. And then, yeah, for people who are much more much lower on that, that scale, they can find it actually physically uncomfortable to be around somebody who's just that enthusiastic all the time, because it feels like pressure.
Cheryl Stuller:Right? It feels like pressure. I'm like you I'm about where you are. I'm not always I'm not really high level, you know, positivity all the time. And I'm not low. But I like to I like to have your true feelings. And I appreciate in other people, when you get to have that with somebody, because I think that's more real. I don't like fake, fake anything. So if it's fake, I don't like it. I want to know who you are, you know, most of the time.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah. And I think it's, I think, for me, it's sometimes I I don't think it's easy to tell when things are fake, or when somebody is being fake. I think it's easy to assume, but we don't always know. And so if I'm like, Look at the benefit of the doubt, I'm gonna give them the positive benefit of the doubt if I don't know that person very well. I'm just gonna say okay, because how is it any of my business if they if they're faking it or not? I don't know them that well, they don't know me, they're doing me a favor right now, maybe by not being in a bad mood, who knows. But when it comes to people that I know better, it's more like I can see the change. It's like they're not themselves, they're not acting like they normally do, which goes back to that hedonic adaption adaptation thing, where most people are at a certain level, and they kind of stay there. And you can tell if they're either really high, or really low. And so if I have a friend that I've known for a long time, and suddenly they're just not themselves, they're not their normal, I would have probably asked them, something going on, something wrong?
Cheryl Stuller:Right, especially if it's a low.
Stasha Boyd:And if they were like, suddenly uncharacteristically giddy, over, over an extended period of time, it's one thing to be like, super happy one day and they say, Oh, I just, you know, found out this wonderful thing. That's the spike. That's the happiness spike. But if I see them four or five days in a row, and they're like that, and they're never like that, then I'll be like, Are you dating someone new? Did you get a raise?
Cheryl Stuller:Are you smoking something?
Stasha Boyd:And give me some?
Cheryl Stuller:Share that!
Stasha Boyd:And I had heard the concept before, but I had heard it called happiness set point. Which is that most people can have a certain happiness set point, and they might win the lottery, and be extremely happy for like a week or two. And then over time, they come right back down to about the same amount of happiness or unhappiness they felt before, or people who experience an extremely large setback, you know, something terrible happens to them, they'll get a cancer diagnosis. And after that initial shock wears off, they drift right back up to where they pretty much where they normally are, and approach it the same way they approach the rest of their life. Um, I wonder sometimes if we make the mistake when we look at it as happiness, and not as satisfaction. I think people have always spent a lot of time trying to make themselves happy and trying to pursue happiness, when what they really need to be asking themselves is, Am I satisfied?
Cheryl Stuller:Do I have people in my life that love and support me? Do I have good health? You know, do I have a good job? That's where that gratitude comes in. So, let's talk about what you just said. Because hedonic adaptation can be bad when you use it to, it's kind of like getting a high feeling. You know, it's kind of like chasing the high. So if you are going after that high feeling, it can be a relationship killer, it can be a job killer. It's that thing about being satisfied and being grateful with what you have and who you're with and not chasing that greener garden, that's not actually greener, it can get you into trouble too. So that's something to look at and look for.
Stasha Boyd:We call that the, the bigger, better deal syndrome, always looking for the bigger, better deal, you know, is it that whether it's the next person, whether it's the next job, whether it's the next hobby, whatever it is, this this fundamental idea that somehow, whatever is going to give you that happiness feeling that you're looking for that spark, is, this is some new thing that's coming up. And sometimes I think that again, people confuse that. It is there's something that we call like new relationship energy. And if you're dating, if you're in the dating scene, it's like you might meet a new person, and suddenly, man, everything is brighter, and things feel better. And that person just seems a little shinier and you just feel a little better. But it's it's new relationship energy, you're learning about a person they're learning about you, you know, as time goes on, and you have a few disappointments, or you realize that they're not even disappointments, it just becomes what you expect, then the same high's not there anymore, and then you get disappointed with the fact that they're just a normal person. As, as opposed to going back to our gratitude thing, which is when you remind yourself every day, that, you know, I'm grateful that this nice person is part of my life, I'm grateful that this is a friend of mine, I'm grateful that we enjoy our time together, whatever that thing is.
Cheryl Stuller:What attracted you to that person or that job? Initially, you know, that thing in your life? What attracted you to that? And what, what, you know, kept you with that person, that's a good thing to remind yourself of, and, and think about and share with the other person. One thing I am good at, because I've told you about the bad things. You know-
Stasha Boyd:Yeah! Talk about the good things, Cheryl, damn it.
Cheryl Stuller:Exactly. One of the things I am really good at is keeping up with people and letting them know how I feel about them. And telling them how much I appreciate them. And, you know, when they've done something that has sparked something in me, or taught me something, I make sure that I tell people that. I am good at that.
Stasha Boyd:And I think that's its own kind of gratitude. Because gratitude isn't always an internal conversation. And you don't even have to go to the person and say, oh, my gosh, I'm so grateful that you're in my life, even though that might be the feeling. But it might be saying, You know what, when I'm, when you and I hang out, I just feel like a smarter person when I'm around you. Or, you know, when you and I get together, it's like, I just I really enjoy the fact that, you know, we laugh all the time. Because I wonder sometimes if people kind of, going back to the whole idea of the gratitude shaming, they feel like if they're not being grateful all the time, because you see it on all the Pinterest posts, and all the Facebook things, you know, you got to be grateful for this and grateful for that, to the point that it becomes trite. That it that you feel like if you're not doing it, that, okay, you're not, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Or if you are doing it, and you don't feel sincere, it just becomes a rote thing to do.
Cheryl Stuller:Well, it goes back to that, you know, being fake thing. You know, we're not always happy, we're not always sad. We're not always grateful. We're not always, or we shouldn't be always anything, we should have real emotions and real reactions. But at the same time, at the end of the day, there, there needs to be something that you say that you're grateful for about that day, even if it was a shitty day, there's got to be something. And I've got to work on that. That's something I need to work on. Especially when you're going through something hard. It's really sometimes it's easy to get into that negative mindset. And hard to get out of it and and trying that grateful gratitude thing is one way to get you out of that.
Stasha Boyd:Well, and also, I mean, for something positive, you can say I am so grateful that I did not lose my temper on that woman that I was on the phone with from the insurance company. I am so grateful that I held it together today. You know, look at me look at me adulting up in this bitch. Look at me. I think there is I think there is that also to be silly about it. Everything doesn't have to be so serious. It's a question again. It's like, you know, How can I make this easier? Um, is it really so bad. That was like one of the great Erma Bombeck and this is like really aging us now. You know, I loved Erma Bombeck. Um, well, one of the things that she said about marriage one time was she said, You know, back in, back in her day when people got married back in the late 50s or something. She's like, you know, men and women got married, and they said, for better or for worse, and then ask themselves, Well, gee, how bad could it get? And I think that's kind of that that little bit of innocence question. Where you're like, Was it really that bad today? You know, yeah, there was a few things. But at the end of the day, I'm here dealt with everything. You know, to quote my girl, Corinne Crabtree, it's like, you know, I didn't die. And I didn't get pregnant. So Okay. Good day, good day, nobody died. Nobody got pregnant. Good day.
Cheryl Stuller:Oh, my gosh.
Stasha Boyd:That is the thing. And this episode is dropping, I think on Thanksgiving weekend. That's the timeline it comes out. And I think that's the time too as we start getting to the holidays, that family pressure, you get to spend a lot of time with people that can drive you nuts also gets very busy. Also, it gets very, you know, oh, I have this obligation and that obligation. And we kind of forget that, you know, one of the most privileged things of all is having obligations. There are people who have no friends, there are people who are lonely, there are people who are elderly and shut in, there are people in the world who for no reason that they can solve. They don't have the opportunity to experience the challenges that we have with our friends and family.
Cheryl Stuller:That's a really good point. Yes, absolutely. The fact that we have relationships that we have in our life, even if we're having to deal with those relationships, sometimes is even a privilege. I agree with you.
Stasha Boyd:And I know that you know, there are some folks that kind of like bristle a little bit at the the idea of the term privilege of something. But I think it's a useful term, I think that it is useful to remember that there are a lot of things in this world that are not a given. And they're not a right. It's like it is not a given that you're going to have a home, you think it is, but it's not. I have a friend of ours who he runs our local homeless, group shelter, not shelter, but program. And you know, he's like, You would be surprised at how many people this Christmas people with children who just suddenly found themselves in a situation where they could not keep their, their housing. And, and then he'll hear the people or see the people on Facebook, well, there's jobs open, they need to get a job. He's like, this is a single mother with a four year old and a six year old. And their rent just went up $200 a month. And she ain't got it. How, how was going on getting a$10 an hour job supposed to solve this problem for her. Again, going that idea of like life is complicated. When you see other people in different situations, it's not just a matter of being grateful. Look, I'm not in that situation. But it's also a matter of being acknowledging that their situation might not be a character flaw. It might not be that they made bad choices. It might be that life, overtook them and overcame them.
Cheryl Stuller:It is so easy too, a lot of families are one paycheck away from not having a home. And if something happens like your, I mean, I remember when my husband and I were first married, and we would have to take out these payday loans. Because I had four kids, there was no way I could afford daycare. And there was no way I could afford daycare on you're right a $10 an hour job. It was better for me to stay home and he was new to the Navy and didn't make any money. You know, and we needed new tires on the van, we didn't have a savings at that point. We didn't have any money to put in savings. So and a lot of families are like that. So another way to be grateful is to share what you have with somebody else. Even if it's a How can I help you today? You know, being gracious to somebody else.
Stasha Boyd:And that's a huge one to me. I was like, you know, if I can't help somebody, I can at least not hurt them. I can at least at least not be the person that made their day a little shittier by either being rude to the to the waitstaff, okay, maybe they were slow on the service. Did it really ruin my day? Was it really that bad? You know, that that I needed to get up and make a scene about it? Or some other thing if I'm if I'm out, if I go to Walmart or if I'm down at Target, you know, me complaining to the people who are actually behind the counters working or ringing things up, saying, well, you need to open up more lanes here. I promise you the person behind the counter does not make that decision. Keeping negative comments to yourself, because that's, I think that's the other thing too about, like showing gratitude, you can show gratitude by just kind of making understanding that your presence and how you interact in the world affects other people.
Cheryl Stuller:Right? Right.
Stasha Boyd:And also, the other thing, too, that that does is when you are in a situation where like, okay, something does have to be done now, something has occurred that needs a correction needs somebody to say something, then it becomes a decisive thing, not a default position of bitching and whining,
Cheryl Stuller:Right, and there's a way to get, there's a way to talk to people in a respectful way, and still get across what you need and what you want in a situation.
Stasha Boyd:And here's just like a little public service for folks who might be hearing this one. Here's how you handle bad service at a restaurant. If you really are experiencing bad service, and it's not the fault of the kitchen. It's not It's something's going on and you can tell it's bad service. You get up and you go over to the hostess station, and you quietly ask for the manager, or whoever's the manager on duty. And then you tell that person you say, I just want you to know, you know, we've been waiting on food this long, this has been happening that long. I don't know if there's anything going on. But right now, this is this is our dining experience. And I would like you to know, don't embarrass the person that's trying that's serving you. Even if they are giving crappy service. Don't, don't be that crappy person that makes their life worse. Let the manager handle it. Because again, going back to that thing about, like, the habits of some people that I know, it's almost like, you know, them saying, and I told them, I let them know, and I'm like, great, just did it solve anything? Did it make it better? Or did you just feel self satisfied? Because you know, you got to get something off your chest in a snarky way. And so ask yourself, like, if there is a problem? Are you actually solving the problem? Are you just making an ass of yourself?
Cheryl Stuller:Mm hmm. Yep. Yep, not good. No, it's good reminder for all of us to be more gracious and patient with each other. Be patient.
Stasha Boyd:Well, and again, patience can look different to everybody, my my view of patience is, and I'm an impatient person, just, that's my default position. I want what I want when I want it, and I want it now. And I want everybody to know what I want and to anticipate that whim and then just make sure that I have have it without ever having to say anything. That is magical unicorn thinking. I know that I have to counteract that that's my responsibility, not everybody else's responsibility. And I think that's something else having some self awareness about who you are and how you are in the world. But go ahead you were gonna say something?
Cheryl Stuller:No, I got it. I think we can wrap this up with what do we want the listeners to take away from this subject?
Stasha Boyd:Yes. And I think we're gonna keep this one tight, short and tight, because it is the Thanksgiving weekend, and people have things to do. For me, the thing about gratitude is to make it the default position to make not just the the the absence of negative thoughts and feelings and words part of your life, but the presence of positive words and thoughts and feelings, to also make those part of your life. Like you said, a little note in the morning, little note at night, the habit you have a letting people know how much they mean to you. It's the little tiny things done consistently, that make a huge difference in how you feel. Like I said, it's, it will, it will help you relax, it helps you feel better, it just makes your quality of life better. And then to just do them regularly, it becomes who you are and what you do. What about you?
Cheryl Stuller:I think it makes you a better person to be around to because nobody wants to be around a stressed out person all the time, you know, or that doesn't handle things well. So I think it makes us have stronger bonds with people too. If we show them gratitude, and we let them know we appreciate them. And I think it lowers our stress, it can help us bounce back from stress better. If we if we default to that positive gratitude mode after you have your feelings. I'm really strong on that. Because I think we shouldn't push emotions down necessarily unless they're harmful to somebody. But I think it's a good way to remind ourselves of what we actually do have that's going well for us in our life, even if it's something small, like wow, I really handled that conversation with that person who was really being mean to me, you know, I didn't I didn't give that person my power and react in a negative way, I was gracious to that person.
Stasha Boyd:Exactly. And all of it counts every little positive thing counts, there is no positive thing that doesn't count. I don't care how little it is, you know, I held the door for somebody I, I pushed, I took the cart back at the grocery store. I said something nice to the person at Publix, whatever it is, there is no small thing that doesn't count towards making the world a little bit better of a place. And like you were saying right now. I mean, all sorts of craziness is breaking out in the world, and politics and tensions and all sorts of things. So any opportunity that we have to remind ourselves and our friends and our loved ones, that we do still all love each other. And we do still believe in the goodness of the world is an opportunity to take.
Cheryl Stuller:Something I like to do a lot is when I see somebody who has a new haircut, or I went up to somebody at CrossFit the other day, and I said woman to women supporting women, I just want you to know how beautiful I think you are. And then I turned around and walked away. You know, just I didn't need anything back. I just wanted her to know that I just she's the cutest little thing. And so good at CrossFit. Yeah, I just wanted her to know that. And so just giving people somebody, that little bit of praise or encouragement can change somebody's day, you don't know what's going on in people's lives. So just to say something a little bit positive, and show some graciousness, and appreciativeness, to somebody that changed somebody's whole day.
Stasha Boyd:And that's a lot of what gratitude is, is giving into your better angels giving into your better nature, you know, to do the positive thing and not the negative thing to do to to think well of somebody and not think ill of them, to say something nice about yourself nice about others, and to not think ill of yourself or others. I mean, it makes a difference. And I think that's one of the things when people feel good around you, you will find your circle of friends growing, you will find the people that you interact with, you know, more satisfying. People feel good in your presence. That's it. That's the tic
Cheryl Stuller:I think when we are kind to ourselves, and because I can be hard on myself when I am competitive, I can be too competitive with myself. And so it's a good reminder for me to say, Well, you didn't quite get that PR today, but this is what you did do. And be able to walk away from that. And and I think that builds confidence, especially when you're going through something hard and that can affect how you feel about yourself. When you when you're kind to yourself and show yourself gratitude that builds confidence. You know, that builds, again, relationships because you're happier you're presenting to the world instead of being a negative, you know, person I think that helps as well.
Stasha Boyd:And I would say the one thing that I always need to work on is reminding myself that I should be grateful for the things that people can do and do do and are willing to do rather than being critical of what they can't do, didn't do and haven't done. I think that's like if I have my harsh things because I'm a I'm a taskmaster I'm I get it done. Why are we all standing here? Let's get something done. Um, that sometimes I forget that people are doing the best they can.
Cheryl Stuller:That's a big one for me. I am the same way I am my daddy's girl. You know, I grew up with those high expectations. And when people don't meet my expectations, I can often remind them how they didn't do that.
Stasha Boyd:So we both have some homework. That's lovely.
Cheryl Stuller:We have some homework.
Stasha Boyd:Everyone. Ladies, thank you all once again for joining us. We really appreciate it. As always, I have come to the end of my kombucha and ginger beer, it's really quite tasty. And we've got to get to got to get to Publix.
Cheryl Stuller:Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
Stasha Boyd:Happy Thanksgiving y'all talk to y'all later. Bye.