Body Image: Same s#*t after all these years.

From too thin (Cheryl) to too fat (Stasha), boobs too big or too small, stomach too round, booty too flat, all our lives women are told how we are supposed to look and worse, that we don’t look like we should. Holy hell. Now add in being in our 50s and the effects of life, children, marriage, and menopause and it can be a mental minefield just to get dressed and walk out the door. So, grab your favorite beverage and prop your pretty feet up (they look fine, we swear) while we go all in on how women think about how women look.

Stasha: Mike’s Hard Lemonade

·         1 bottle cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade

·         1 fancy glass

·         1 bottle opener (old fashioned kind)

 Open bottle. Pour into glass. No garnish required.

Sometimes it’s just that kind of day.

 Cheryl: Margarita

·         1.5 oz Milago tequila

·         1 oz Orange triple sec

·         1 oz lime juice

·         2 oz water

·         Raspberries

 Put all liquid ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well. Pour into a margarita glass and garnish with raspberries. (FYI—Cheryl doesn’t do a salted rim but it’s up to you.)

Transcript

 Stasha Boyd  00:00

Hi there, I'm Stasha.

Cheryl Stuller  00:01

I'm Cheryl.

Stasha Boyd  00:03

And between us we

Cheryl Stuller  00:03

have four kids,

Stasha Boyd  00:05

three businesses,

Cheryl Stuller  00:06

two husbands and one goal.

Stasha Boyd  00:08

To get to The Point of the Matter.  You are worthy, you are worthy, regardless of how you look, regardless of what you ate for lunch today, regardless of any of these things, and you don't have to believe it. I think this is the kind of thing- or at least not every time, not when you start. But do start telling yourself that because you're trying to change the way your brain is functioning.

Cheryl Stuller  00:35

If they're negative, if they feed the tape that you are playing for yourself, that is a negative tape. Get them the fuck out of your life.

Stasha Boyd  00:49

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller  00:50

Hello, Stasha.

Stasha Boyd  00:52

Once again, we meet ourselves back here in time for our podcast. Our The Point of the Matter podcast.

Cheryl Stuller  01:01

Yes, and we have our drinks, you're going a little lighter today, because of the day you've had.

Stasha Boyd  01:07

Oh my God, and for the for the folks at home. My drink of the day is- it's actually it's gonna be Mike's Hard Lemonade. And that's not my Mike, that's the Mike you find down at, down at Publix, um, it's just, it was just that kind of a day and a little bit of that kind of a week. Didn't have time to go to the store, didn't have time to get us all stocked up. We had a big storm blowing through here and like 10 minutes ago, didn't have time to get all my stuff together. So I just reached into the refrigerator and has what's been left over from some other party. And I pulled out a nice, cold bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's very tasty. 

Cheryl Stuller  01:43

Well, I'm sure it's refreshing. And I did a quick Margarita with raspberries. 

Stasha Boyd  01:47

Woohoo! So how was your week? 

Cheryl Stuller  01:50

Oh, so I have- I could choose from several stories, but I think I'm going to go with the hairdresser story.

Stasha Boyd  01:57

Okay.

Cheryl Stuller  01:59

Finally got my hair cut after eight or nine weeks. And I just so busy, didn't want to take the time, didn't have the time. So, my hairdresser that I've had for over 20 years, um, fit me in at the end of the day. And so it was just her and I in the shop. And this guy comes in and you can immediately tell that something is off. First of all, it's not a guy that you- that should be in a hair salon. He was very disheveled he had his clothes were really dirty, he was twitchy. So we, so we both were kind of on high alert. And he made the pretense of wanting to buy some shampoo. But he was fumbling around in his pocket and could never come up with any money or anything. So, she immediately looks at me cuz she's over at the counter with him. I'm still in the chair, I've got my cape on and everything. And she looks at me and kind of cuts her eyes towards the back. And I nod my head because I know what she's saying and what she's gonna do. And I slowly get up as she walks to the back she- she went to get her gun. So, I get up and I'm thinking okay, what CrossFit moves may I have to use here to detain this guy if if something goes freaky with this guy cuz he apparently, he you could tell he was on something. And I don't know if he was trying to get to the cash drawer, or what he was trying to do. But it was obviously he was not in there to buy shampoo. So I'm talking to him and I'm saying, um so, um Stacy's going to be right back and, and you should probably head towards the door until you can figure out where your money is. And instead, he starts to go towards the back. So I go around him and block him. And at the same time Stacy comes out. And I'm like cool. Now, now this is a different game, you know, in case he decides to do something. So, I start walking towards him and I said it's really time for you to go now. You need to head towards the door. And I walk around him and I go and open the door. And Stacy is doing the same thing. Just kind of like herding cattle how you get close to em and you prod em out the door. That's what we were doing. So he thankfully agreed to leave. And as soon as he passed the threshold, we locked the door, and while she was back there getting her gun we made sure the back was locked. So then we call the police, you know, just Hey, you need to check this guy out. You know, just see what's going on with him.

Stasha Boyd  04:58

Cheryl I'm, I have to say I'm getting concerned about where you live. Okay, so this week was weird guy coming in, the week before that was the guy drunk fallen down behind the tire. Um, at some point, there was a story about a person- a road rage incident with a guy. It doesn't- do you need to move?

Cheryl Stuller  05:22

No, it's actually in a very nice little town I don't know what's happening. 

Stasha Boyd  05:27

Oh, I don't either girl it like sounds like there's some, some freak attraction going on. I don't know, what kind of energy are you putting out in the universe? 

Cheryl Stuller  05:34

Exactly. That's what my husband said. He goes, Why am I never around when this shit goes down? Why is it always just you? And I said, Well, it wasn't just me this time. Stacy was with me. 

Stasha Boyd  05:44

Stacy was there too, it wasn't just me. 

Cheryl Stuller  05:47

It wasn't just me. So how was your week? 

Stasha Boyd  05:49

Well, my week, you know, was mainly uneventful and which is, except for that it was just a lot of work. And, um, you know, and that was one of those things that I know, it's like, you know, especially when, you know, we're we're working to put our podcast together, there's a lot that goes with it. There's the, you know, in addition to doing the fun part, which is what this is, the other part of it, of course, is you know, building websites and doing transcriptions and thank you so much to the kids for helping to take care of that. And then there's creating the infrastructure and doing the marketing and everything we have to learn. You know, our, my background, I've been in media and film and audio production for a gazillion years. But for all you listeners, who might be hearing this, you know, a couple of months down the road, or maybe a couple years down the road. Right now I am on the steepest learning curve, which is wonderful. But it's also very frustrating to feel that stupid every single day. It's like, Oh my God, how does this work? Oh, my God. And also right now, I think that Mercury is in retrograde. Because every piece of technology I fuckin touch is just not working. Okay, so I started watching, I started watching Hacks, you know, we had to reactivate our HBO account. Um, and I can't get it to work on the TV. I have to run it through my phone and then stream it to my Apple box, which is fine, except then it's like the, the Wi-Fi in the house is slower. So you have to make sure that nothing else is on Wi-Fi. Because we have the high powered Wi-Fi up here. Then I had to- I was trying to get it put on the box at home and I couldn't get that done. And then it was making me change my Apple ID password and I'm like, Okay, that's gonna, gonna screw up everything else I have. So, it's just- and now I've had to go through and like reconnect all these different devices that now are looking for a different password.

Cheryl Stuller  07:38

Well, two things. When Stasha is on a mission to learn something you pretty much just stay out of her way. Let her get through it because she's very quick and efficient and it's really hard to keep up with her. And that show on HBO for our listeners. It's very female driven, Flack is a really good show.

Stasha Boyd  08:02

Flack and Hacks.

Cheryl Stuller  08:04

Yeah. Is Hacks female driven as well?

Stasha Boyd  08:07

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's huge. I thought you sent me a text about Hacks. That's the one with... 

Cheryl Stuller  08:17

With Anna Paquin. 

Stasha Boyd  08:19

Anna Paquin is Flack. Um, Oh my God, who's Hacks? What's her name? She's got Designing Women. Oh my God. Menopause, killing me. Oh, Jean Smart! Jesus.

Cheryl Stuller  08:34

I have seen that. That didn't have as many episodes out though. This, this Flack has two seasons, so.

Stasha Boyd  08:41

Yeah, yeah, I love that show. But we need to get into our- actually this kind of leads us into it, because one of the things about Flack, Flack is that, you know, all of these super skinny, you know, and it's all about look there. You know, the boss is really about how things look. No, no fat people around. So today we are talking about body image.

Cheryl Stuller  09:00

Which is a huge thing for girls, teenagers, women, even women our age. It's a huge thing.

Stasha Boyd  09:09

And I would say for the reason I think that it's something for our listeners is because first of all, you know, we're still hitting 50 so everything- and we've talked about this in our, in our episode on menopause and perimenopause, suddenly everything's changing. So even how you've dealt with your body all the way up to now, now it's everything shifting around again. And that's, that is difficult and hard, hard. And if you're a person who either never had that experience and now you are, or you're a person like me, who has had body image issues since I was a child, and was just getting, you know, somewhere close to kind of possibly being over them and then this hits. I think body image is huge for women who are in their 50s.

Cheryl Stuller  09:53

It is huge for women and, and even young girls, we need to talk about the media and the role that that plays in it and our significant others and our parents, what kind of baggage do you pick up from other people in the media and society that you carry with you that helps shape how you feel about your body image?

Stasha Boyd  10:16

Yeah. Because and that's part of the problem. And this is only a one hour show. And so for me to, to unpack even, you know, 1% of 1% of that would take several hours, I think. Um, and I think that because, for me, I think the reason it's so important to talk about body image, is because it has been such a challenging thing in my life. Um, like I said, I, my job for the first... well, I would say, from high school and beyond, was performing, and what you look like mattered, it wasn't all in your head. And this was something that I think is pretty, pretty important. And actually, a thing came up on Facebook the other day that I had written several years back, and it's so true. Um, essentially, I was sending I really wish that when I was coming up through, you know, elementary school, and well, probably more middle school and high school, that if I would have taken the time to be involved in things where the way you were evaluated was by what you did, such as, did you get the math problem right? Did you hit the ball? Did you make the home run? Did you- by what you did, rather than how you looked while you were doing it, my life would have been very different.

Cheryl Stuller  11:37

Okay, that makes total sense. Because I would say the same thing, because of my upbringing, we focused more on your ability to work and get the task done, and to be a benefit to the family and the farm. So I didn't really get into how I looked until later on in high school. And I remember, I remember, Robert Reed, I'm going to call that asshole out. I used to relentlessly get teased and bullied by him. He would call me ironing board Cheryl, you know, cuz I was skinny, I didn't have the kind of shape, I was straight up and down. I had no boobs. Um, so I would get made fun of for that. And I remember that so well and remember his name so well, because of, you know, how that affected me. At the same time, thankfully, I didn't take a lot of what he said on, because I had that strong background of already being a confident, you know, skilled, present, I can say worker, I guess, but you know, because I had that piece of it in my life that was such a huge part. I didn't really play into how I looked, because that was never a focus.

Stasha Boyd  12:58

Right. And I think for me, because I started becoming chubby. I was a chubby child, they say, when I was in elementary school, and probably as I started getting into middle school, so probably somewhere about the time we met around fourth, fifth grade, in that, in that time period. Yeah, I've got some pictures, we went on a vacation in 1976, up to Washington DC for the Bicentennial. And there's all these pictures of me in my little bathing suit and outside playing, and my belly is just rolling forward. But it's like that child kid belly, you know, where it looks like, you know, just, just being round. And, um, and probably my one grandmother was probably correct, it was probably, you know, belly fat, or it could have been stress. I mean, we had moved from Jacksonville back to Anthony. All sorts of things, you know, happening and going on. But, for whatever reason, around that time is when I started getting the fatso and fatty, and fatty Mc fatty. And, so, most of that came from family, my family members, but also from kids at school. Kids at school are awful they are- and again, I don't like children. So I mean, children are little shits, and they're little shits to each other even worse, you know, so I have a very dim view of that type of thing. And then as I got older, and my- I have a theory, my theory is is that whatever you were like, whatever you kind of body image you had, as you started going into puberty, that's how you think of yourself forever. So as I was hitting puberty and becoming self aware, becoming aware of people, you know, looking and whatever, it was all negative, it was all You need to lose weight, it's all name calling, it's all fatso. So from that moment forward the rest of my life, I have battled my weight. And even when I was thin, when I was a lot thinner. I still thought I was incredibly fat.

Cheryl Stuller  15:01

It's such a powerful thing to be told who you are and what you are over and over again. And you've mentioned family members, which, for me, makes it even worse, because those are people that are close in your circle that you're supposed to love and trust. And that go back and forth between the two. Well, and you're hearing this from people that is in your circle, that would be even harder.

Stasha Boyd  15:29

And I think it's just, it wasn't just that it was hearing from them, but that none of the adults around did anything to shut it down. They I mean, first of all, no, no, nobody had my back. The only one who did have my back was Daddy's mom. And we didn't see her very often, you know, Ganny, was not somebody, we'd see her maybe, you know, every other Sunday or so. And she would be the one that would tell my parents, you know, leave her alone. It's just baby fat. Because what they would do, you know, Mom and Dad, like I said, they put me on diets very early. Um, so it would be, you know, we'd be having dinner after church at Ganny and Gamp's house. And that was always, it was either gonna be pork roast, or it's gonna be pot roast, or it was gonna be fried chicken, or it's gonna be something like that. And it was always, No, you may not have another one. No, you can't. No, no, no, put that back. No, no, no, no, no, you don't need it. Do you want to keep getting fat? Do you want to get fatter? And so, you know, and again, I'm a child. So, I'm like, Well, no, I don't I don't want to get fatter. That's just awful. And, you know, it just gets worse and worse. So, so for me, you know, fast forward now, finally, in my 50s I still have weight issues. Everybody in my family, except for Mama and Daddy pretty much have, have weight issues. But, and most of them far greater than mine. I mean, it's whatever the gene is, part of our family's got it. Um, but all the way now, you know, decades, decades later. You can undo me with a comment about my weight, like that.

Cheryl Stuller  17:05

Really? As confident and accomplished, and I- and beautiful as you are, isn't it, isn't it sad that something or someone can say something to bring us right back. I was telling you in probably our fitness episode. There is a girl that I was at the same gym with- beautiful, just beautiful, simply, and you could truly say beautiful, not just pretty, beautiful. Very accomplished in what she does working out as well. So, she just has the whole package. And the same thing- the way her father treated her when she was young. She still carries that with her. And, and it doesn't matter what anybody says. She, that's how she views herself. So how do we break out of that? I think that's a good question to ponder. How do we set ourselves aside from what we're being told, number one, what the media is selling that we have to see and hear, um, and how we view ourselves wrapped up into all of that?

Stasha Boyd  18:23

Well, because what I wanted, before we get into that, I want to add a few other things cuz weight is just one teeny tiny little part of it. Now that we're in our 50s it's like women who have been, you know, beautiful with flawless skin for their lives now are getting, you know, the neck waddles. And they're getting the lines around the eyes, and their skin is starting to change. So the wrinkles show more. We mentioned before, even women who are thin, their shape is shifting, they used to have an hourglass figure, now their waist and their stomach is getting thicker. It's more than just, more than just weight. And also and then the opposite is true. It's not just people who are overweight, but people like you said, who are underweight. Now, I don't think that those two things are completely equal. Because there have been many, many studies that have shown that if a person is overweight, you will be discriminated against in stores, you will be discriminated against in jobs, you will earn less, no matter how accomplished you are, you're almost always starting from behind. Even no matter what level you're at. It's a, it is true- and again, it's also one of those kind of hidden discriminations. If you look around, you might see like overweight women in the workforce, but you won't see any of them in the C suite. You won't see any of them in the upper levels of, or rather, not to say any, a very few, very few. So it's almost, so the the glass ceiling has an extra level down.

Cheryl Stuller  19:51

I think we've come a little way forward in that we've got the Kardashians have changed body image for a lot of women. Lizzo, I was looking at the Athleta magazine that I just got in the mail, which is a sports apparel magazine. All body sizes, all body shapes are in that magazine. So, I think we have made some progress forward. Right? And I think that's a positive thing. But how do we keep continuing that to go forward? And back to that question of how do we set aside what everybody else tells us, and we just own ourselves?

Stasha Boyd  20:37

Well, and and I would say that, that there's two things. First of all, the- and this is strictly my view of the whole, whole situation. But number one, don't tell yourself that it doesn't matter. Because that's just gaslighting yourself. It's like, if you start saying, you know, well, it doesn't matter what I look like, it doesn't matter how it doesn't matter if it doesn't matter. Yes, it does. And if you lie to yourself, and you're kidding yourself, and saying that it doesn't matter, then every time you go out and you encounter that, then you've got to come up with another reason. And then it's like, Okay, well, if it's not this, then what could it be? And then you start- that's crazy making. So, if you start to recognize that, you know, ageism exists, fatphobia's exist, acknowledge that all exists, and then say, and fuck those people. It doesn't help to say that it's not there. For me, it helps to say that it is absolutely there. And I am not going to let it change the way I live my life one bit.

Cheryl Stuller  21:41

That's how I feel about myself. That's the addition to that. I mean, being a woman is hard. 

Stasha Boyd  21:48

Oh, yeah. Well, clothes. Like, let's talk about you know, because that's the whole thing. I was talking about this the other day, it's very hard to buy clothes, if you are overweight. And so for me, you know, I wanted to buy cute little, you know, clothes. I saw, Mike and I were out having lunch somewhere. This was pre-COVID. But this gal walks into the ice cream store, I think it was, and she is, you know, about my build. So she's like, kind've round in the middle, you know, not big boobs, you know, but she's, she's a little shorter than I am. But, you know, kind of the same similar build, probably. She had on the cutest outfit. It was like this jumpsuit, it was off the shoulder, it was my color, it was green, with a cool pattern in it. It had a little tie, a belt thing on it. Wide palazzo pants going down to these really kinky little sandals. I'm like, Oh my God, I love that. I could never wear that. And Mike's like, why not? Why couldn't you wear that? And I'm like, Well, I don't know. I'm not- and he's like, honey, you can wear whatever you want to wear. And this is one of those things where I, then I start either getting into an argument with him or I start getting into an argument with myself. And that is what I have been working on probably for the last few years. Like right now, and I don't know if you saw it the other day, I was wearing a little- I have these cute little tank tops that I love. I love tank tops. I'm in Florida. It's friggin hot down here. So, I have this little tank top. And not only did I wear it. I wore it out in public. Whole world had to look at my arms, whole world. 

Cheryl Stuller  23:22

And no one had a problem, did they. 

Stasha Boyd  23:25

No, well again, I didn't care what they thought. If somebody looked at it and said, you know, I love that! I love how you look. That's a pretty top. Why, thank you. But if anybody who looked at went, Oh my God, why is that woman showing her arms? Go fuck yourself.

Cheryl Stuller  23:38

And how do you get to that space? That's, that's what we need to educate other women on. And I think part of that is, like you said, having a conversation with yourself. What am I- what, what do I love about myself? What do I not love about myself specific to body image? And what can I change? And then you have to come to a come to Jesus moment about that. And decide what can I do to change this? How can I dress differently to compliment my body? And that gives me confidence. What colors are good for me? You know, does it involve diet and exercise? Wrap that around into a nice bundle that you own for yourself, and that you don't allow somebody else to change the story about that for yourself.

Stasha Boyd  24:33

Yes. And I think in addition to that, one of the things about, you know, being being this age is that you do- if there is any superpower, if there's any wonderful thing that goes with it, is you do, at least I have and most of the friends that I've spoken to, we do feel like that we have approached this DGAF don't give a fuck mindset that is really kind of empowering. It's like, I can't care. Don't care. Can't care, can't worry about that anymore. I have more years behind me than I have in front of me. I cannot waste another five minutes caring about that, or somebody's opinion of that. I also think- this I actually heard, I used to watch the show 10, 20 years ago, What Not to Wear, remember that show? Stacy London. I loved her. I loved her, because they would have people on the show, and they might be someone who was overweight. And one time she said something that changed my life on a television show. There was a woman who was there and she was just so upset and so distraught, she was short, she was overweight. She's like, I can't, I can't buy clothes. It's like, you know, my body's too this. I'm too short, my waist is too big, my boobs are big. And she's like going on. And finally, and Stacey London just sat there and let her go. And I remember, I don't remember who the man was, but it was the nice one. I want to say mark, but I think I'm wrong. But um, Stacy said, I'm gonna stop you. First of all, just so you know, if there's ever a problem with the way, the way clothes fit on you, the problem is with the clothes, they are never with you. And I mean, I heard that that day, and I internalized that message. And I'm like, Yes, from this day forward. If I go shopping, and it's a horrible event, the problem is I couldn't find the right clothes, not that the clothes couldn't find the right me.

Cheryl Stuller  26:19

Exactly. And I think confidence helps with that. And how do you get confidence around that is you keep telling yourself, just like the movie, The Help, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am all of these things, you talk to yourself about that. And you own it, and you believe it. And you get that don't give a fuck attitude. And you can do this at 30, you can do this at 11. It just is, is you telling yourself that over and over and over again until you start to believe it and own it. And then when you get that confidence, and you get that ability to start thinking about yourself in a different, positive way. And you start dressing yourself the way you feel good. You start exercising or you go on a diet or you don't. Whatever feels good around where you are in life and how you feel, you can do something to help that move along for yourself.

Stasha Boyd  27:23

And I think that's probably one of most important things, which and I would say that to anybody, whatever age, whatever. You do not have to wait on one thing to be to occur in order to be proud of yourself. You are worthy, you are worthy, regardless of how you look, regardless of what you ate for lunch today, regardless of any of these things. And you don't have to believe it. I think this is kind of- at least not every time, not when you start. But do start telling yourself that, because you're trying to change the way your brain is functioning. You know, you have these- before I was old enough to be able to make my own decisions there were people carving thoughts into my head.

Cheryl Stuller  28:04

Exactly.

Stasha Boyd  28:05

And those grooves run deep, deep, deep, deep, deep.

Cheryl Stuller  28:08

Especially when it's your damn family.

Stasha Boyd  28:11

Yeah, and again, the thing is, though, it's like I said before, as an adult, I have to look back on that and say, they thought they were doing the best they could. Or they didn't think about it at all, or that didn't occur to them. I don't know what they thought. I don't, I don't care at this point. But for whatever reason, that was what I had. And I can either assume, or I can either decide, I can decide, I can make that mean something. I can make it mean they were idiots, and they were bad parents, and they were horrible. But I can make it mean all sorts of terrible things. Or I can choose to make it mean, they did the best they could. Or I can make it mean, they didn't know. Or I could make it mean they had their own problems. I can make it mean anything I want to. 

Cheryl Stuller  28:59

Absolutely. You can move it to your narrative and take those thoughts, feelings and actions of people that are not you out of the equation. Remove yourself from people like that. And that's another thing. Have people around you, that love you and support you for who you are and not just how you look and will have your back when you need them to about, you know, Hey, I need to go on a walk today. Come with me. Will, you come with me, or Hey, help me go shopping. I have a hard time picking out good colors for me. Whatever it is that you need support on pick those people that are positive in your life and will give you that. If they're negative. If they feed the tape that you are playing for yourself, that is a negative tape. Get them the fuck out of your life. Immediately. 

Stasha Boyd  29:59

Or at least as you've said before, you know, and I think this is important because some of those people you really can't get out of your life. They are your family, they are people you see, but what you can do-

Cheryl Stuller  30:08

I have family- Uh uh, that's not true either. I have family that I- that are supposedly close to me that I do not talk to anymore for the reason that they don't support a positive way that they treat me. I've asked them to change their behavior and not treat me that way, they've chosen not to, they're out of my life.

Stasha Boyd  30:31

Right. And that, but that's different. That's, that's what we're talking about. I think you made this point is that, you know, if you have a conversation with somebody, and you can say, I want you to change, or this is what's bothering me, what can you do differently? And they go, Oh, man, I'm sorry, I didn't realize, I'll try, you know, and they're making an effort, then, Okay. Or you can say, we're not going to have this conversation ever again. If we want to be together, then that's going to stop or I'm going to leave. But if they don't stop, if they keep going. If they act like what you don't want matters, then let them go. I do think that for me, like I said, you know, there are, there are people that I've had to teach, and I've had to teach them. Don't ever comment on my weight, how I look, what I eat. Because, again, there are a lot of people who feel empowered. Now some of them realize that they're being assholes, and they're assholes anyway. But I, the force of my personality can normally shut down a lot of that. And that is, again, one of my superpowers, because I can make it pretty plain with certain people, you know, keep it up, man, keep it up.

Cheryl Stuller  31:35

And you're not. And here's another thing, you are not afraid to say something. Because that supports who you are, how you want to feel about yourself, and getting rid of the negative tape that can sometimes be attached to us that we can't seem to get past. That involves us standing up for ourselves, speaking when it is appropriate to do so about how somebody treats you, talks to you, whatever that is. It is okay to speak about that with somebody.

Stasha Boyd  32:10

And I would say, I- the only clarification I would make is that it's not that I'm not afraid. Because sometimes I know it's gonna hurt or I know there might be consequences, or I know, it's gonna be a tough conversation. I just do it anyway. I feel, I feel the same kind of fear. Because again, if it's a family member, especially if it's an older family member that you love and respect, sometimes in those cases, like yeah, you know, that that that fear comes back. But the thing is, is that you can't let it stop you as an adult as a 50-something year old, grown ass woman who pays her own bills, who has her own life, who has her relationships with her husband and her family. What are they going to do? Unless they're going to come in here, you know, and shoot me, shoot my husband, kick the cats or something, they're not going to do a damn thing. They're going to get mad. And they're going to get their noses out of joint, and they're going to be upset, and they're going to be angry, and they're gonna be whatever it is that they're going to be. And they get to be that thing. And I get to decide, like you said, I get to decide if I'm going to allow that into my life. Or if I'm going to say, Okay, I can, I can take that for 30 minutes on Thursday. I'll see you then. I think that's an- I think that is an important part of the understanding is that it never, it's not that it doesn't hurt, or that there isn't fear. Because I think what happens when people- they start to feel that fear, they think it shouldn't be there, I should be strong, I should be able to say what I want, I should be able to face these things down. And as soon as they encounter, encounter fear, they feel fear. They're like, Oh, I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this. The truth of the matter is, is that yeah you can. The people you're looking up to feel fear too. They're just not letting it call the shots.

Cheryl Stuller  33:53

Or sometimes they treat you that way because of the way they feel about themselves and the fear that they have. And it should never keep you from speaking out for yourself. And the more that you do that, and more that you change the tape or get rid of it or throw it down the mountain, the better you will start to feel about yourself. And you can make positive changes or stay the way you are, whatever it is you have that option to then go forward. And you're not hindered by what somebody else is saying, thinking, or feeling about you. What a revelation! 

Stasha Boyd  34:29

Yeah, well, and you said it a minute ago, you were asking the question about, you know, well what can we do moving forward? First of all, spend yourself some time with these body positivity people. You know, like you said, if you don't have a problem, then what's the problem? If you are okay, if you're healthy if your blood levels and are all in good shape, if you can do what you want to do. If you can go to a store and put some clothes on your body that you like and you're okay with everything. Then what's the problem? If there is a problem that you want to change because you want to change it, like for me right now my problem- and this, Oh my God, Cheryl, it drives me insane. So, right now I'm at that point where I'm in between the large sizes in the regular clothes, and the plus sizes in the woman's area, women's area. And because of the way clothes are made, there's like all this overlap. So and here's what they do. So if you have, if you see some really cool fashions in like the regular clothes area, and then you go over to the plus size, they might have the same manufacturer make those clothes, what they do is they take those clothes, and they blow them up. And they add three inches to the tail of the back of the shirt. So that, because they are assuming that you want some, you're gonna want something to cover your ass. Then they assume every overweight woman has massive tits. And so the top of it just balloons, the shoulders are down here, the shirt's coming under here. I mean, it's just an absolute awful mess. However, if I go back to the regular size in the largest, in that case, it's too tight to go around my middle, the shoulders might fit perfectly. The arms might be okay. But it's, so it's this hybrid thing. So again, going back to my girl, Stacy, one time, again, on another show, there was a woman who was- her problem was I think in her case, it was she was short. And Stacy's  like one word: tailor. 

Cheryl Stuller  36:20

Tailor. Exactly. 

Stasha Boyd  36:23

That was a again, another life changing moment. Now I will I will not take a $20 on sale Belks shirt to a tailor, I'm gonna whip out my sewing machine and I'm gonna fix it myself. But now that I've learned to do that, again, I remind myself, it's not me, it's the clothes. And it's the the manufacturers and their dumb ass ideas of what makes you know, plus size clothes plus size.

Cheryl Stuller  36:49

And when you see a girl come into the ice cream shop, who has a cute outfit on, go up to her and say I love what you're wearing. Where did you get it and who makes it? Find those things out, and you find designers that really fit how you view what looks good on you. And it's a good thing to go back to those designers. I get, I do a lot of my clothing that way as well.

Stasha Boyd  37:16

Yeah, there is for ladies who are our age in their 50s who might be like me, you know, a little on, a little larger on the sizes. I'm gonna tell you one store that you've probably never heard of and might not go into, because we've all heard of Lane Bryant. And if you don't like big frickin prints and, you know, then don't you don't even go in that store. But there's a store called Torrid: TORRID. Now Torrid is actually directed at or geared towards younger women. But the clothes are, not only are they plus size, they have this really large variety of clothes of styles. They're very young, they're very hip. So even if you're- now again, there's some clothes in there, I'm not going to wear because, you know, no. I've just, I've just had enough. I don't need, I don't need anything that's like quite that hoochie. Um, but they, they also have very good salespeople in there, because I do not shop with anyone. No one goes shopping with me. And again, going back to my family, the last time I went shopping with my mother, she told me she was never gonna go shopping with me again. Because I got so upset I cried. You know, and again, my mother, I love her so much, but if you're looking for like nurturing and support, she's not your woman. She's just not for you. Um, but the thing is, is that I have to shop now with places or I'm not- I don't have to, but I want to shop where they have good, experienced people. I cannot order things online. I have tried all of that, you know, it just can't be done. I have to try on 50 things to find three things I like.

Cheryl Stuller  38:54

Right. It's the same thing for me too. I, I know you say, well, you're skinny. What kind of problems do you have? Well, first of all, I'm not skinny. And second of all, I have really long legs and a short torso. No boobs. And it's really hard to find, especially pants that fit. If they're long enough, then the waist is too big or the waist is too short. You know shirts have a lot of room up here and I don't need that. So, it's, I think it's hard for everybody and that's why I say if you get a designer, somebody that you like that you can go back to and back to and back to that really helps in narrowing that down so you're not getting so frustrated. And, you know, you have shops that you go to that you like that carry, you know a few things that you tend to go to as well. 

Stasha Boyd  39:55

Yeah, and I'm also one of those people, like, I'm not a big clothes person anyway, you know? I've always, I've never and again, for a lot of reasons I don't like to shop. But I get a few things that work. And I will wear those things over and over and over and over and over again. Until next year, when I go out and buy some more things. And I'm- and a lot of times, I'll get rid of most of it. But I do have a few things that are so funny because I, I bought them. And I've worn them for years. And with our work, we take pictures at our different client sites and things like that. There'll be a 10 year difference, and I'm wearing the same frickin purple shirt. And it's like, how could this be? Why am I still wearing the same shirt? And it's like, it does show that I have not changed size that much in the 10 years. I've gone up I've gone down and most mostly up but still in the range. Um, but I do think that's, that's part of it. So if anything that bothers me, it bothers me more that I have old boring clothes, than that I don't have more clothes.

Cheryl Stuller  40:57

Yeah. And we don't- if you listen to Trinny London is somebody else that talks a lot about clothes. What colors look good on you based on your skin type, your hair color, your eye color, all of that. Look her up on Facebook, TRINNY London. She's, she's good to look at for that kind of stuff. But how, so you talked about your family and how they talk to you. And you talked about kids at school. How do you feel about yourself now? How has that evolved?

Stasha Boyd  41:35

Um, well, again it's, it's difficult. It's always difficult because if there is anything in me that is probably, could be considered certifiably insane, is how I think of myself, my size, my weight, and it's almost like I have this like crazy person that kind of lives in my head, that just kind of has to live there. You know, I can't, I can't do much about her. I have tried, but she's just always there. So, how I feel about myself? It depends on, you know, whether I'm kind of running the show that day, or she's running the show. If she's running the show, then I am still an absolute nutjob. I have had meltdowns that have been so severe, you know, Mike has, Mike has been like, it's like honey, I don't, I can't, I don't know what to do for you right now. I don't know what to do. I would be collapsing on the floor in heaving sobs. Because Oh my God, I'm so fat. Um, it's also challenging, because, you know, that affects marriage. You know, if you don't, if you don't think you're attractive to your spouse... that's a whole other level of body image issue. That's a whole other level of marriage issue. That's a whole other level of everything issue. And in that case, it- that does require two people. There is no amount of self happy talk I can do to change that other person's response and dynamic. And they've got 20 years of dealing with this shit from the other side of it. So... there's a complexity there. Um, but the way I deal with that is like everybody else, you know, the best I can. I do, I know that I'm not an unattractive person. I mean, I know that it's like when it comes to I mean, I will tell you, I'm happy with my face, I'm happy with my legs. Overall, I'm happy with the way my body is holding up over time. I do not have a lot of the challenges that a lot of other women have, who go through perimenopause and menopause, and they get the crepey skin and they get the neck wrinkles, they get- I have nearly none of that. 

Cheryl Stuller  43:42

You have beautiful skin. Yes, in addition to all the other things you said. 

Stasha Boyd  43:47

Right. And I can thank Mama for that. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, that's, that's a good one. I got those genes on the right side. But the rest of it, part of me is sort of like, you know, I have given up so much in this life for it. I have to not worry about it so much. Like, here's, here's one, um, you know, we did the kayaking thing a couple of weeks ago. And I've seen those pictures of me in that kayak. I hate them. I absolutely hate them. I would prefer it if they never saw the light of day. I did pick one though. And we put it up on a pod- used it as part of our, our material. I did not use my little magic app and go in and make myself look thinner. Because I do have the magic app, I can do that if I need to. Um, but I decided not to because the whole thing was about fitness. And I'm like, this is what I look like. Now I did choose a picture that I'm like, Okay, I can live with this one. But I curated those photos. I decided which one went out there and was going to be seen. I decided how it was going to be seen. I had control over all that. So that's part of how I deal with it, was I try to do- I feel very strongly about controlling the pictures that I have out. I think my husband certainly knows. My close friends certainly know: do not put a picture, an unflattering picture of me on the internet, I will call you. Because again, you know what that- 

Cheryl Stuller  45:16

Pre-approval, girls, we all have that. 

Stasha Boyd  45:19

Well, again, you know, and there are people who would do that. And I'm like, well, it's like, you and I, we can't be friends. Because if you can't understand why that's important to me, then you don't understand me. And I don't know, at this age, if I feel like investing the time to teach you.

Cheryl Stuller  45:35

Right.

Stasha Boyd  45:36

At this age, you should know. Don't be out there putting shitty pictures of people on the internet.

Cheryl Stuller  45:43

Mm hmm. Pre-approval girls.

Stasha Boyd  45:46

Okay, that's one pre-approval, you know, and don't sit there and put some crappy ass picture up on the internet. And then when somebody says something to you about it go, Oh, no, I think you look beautiful. Nobody gives a rat's ass at that point, what you think. Nobody cares. So, ladies, that's that's my little bit of advice on your, on the, on how to handle, you know, body image, and pictures on the internet. But I do think, you know, that in the case that we were talking about and how we feel now, I also look at the other thing, it's like, I have had a 20 plus year happy marriage. I have had a almost 20 year successful business. Before that I had, I've done things that other people only dream of doing. I can look at all of those things. And we'll be talking about, you know, this subject next, next year, and I have been able to like make sure that my definition of success matches my life, not somebody else's definition. So, which actually that might bring us into like, I think we're getting close to time here, might actually bring us into a good point to say what else when you- so here's the thing. Here's our last question. If our listeners could take one thing away from what we were talking about today on body image, Cheryl, what would you like to have them hear from you? What, what do you hope they like really hear?

Cheryl Stuller  47:07

Well, first of all, take the judgment away from what you're doing to other people. Take the judgment away from yourself and do the best that you can every day to give yourself those positive, inward and outward views of who you are, and, and how you want to be yourself. And then if there's something that you don't like about yourself body wise, then work on changing it. Get a trainer, get somebody to coach you through the diet, get plastic surgery, I'm not opposed to that. My God. Do what you need to do to make yourself- help yourself feel good about yourself, whatever that needs to be for you. And only you can do that for yourself. And that's okay. Don't be afraid to do that. And stand up for yourself too. And if you have somebody in your life that's not treating you well, whatever that is. Have a conversation with them. And if they're not willing to change how they treat you, get them out of your life. Quickly.

Stasha Boyd  48:24

Unceremoniously. Un-Cheryl-moniously.

Cheryl Stuller  48:28

And another thing. Here's what I get a lot. Oh, it must be so easy to be you. Oh, you're so this or Oh, you're so that. First of all, I work really, really hard to be strong and fit. I generally put two hours in a day. Today I put two hours in, Okay. And don't also assume just because, um somebody that you view as prettier, skinnier, whatever it is, that they are also happy with how they look, because that's an assumption that you shouldn't make as well. So care, so care about how you are treating yourself, and also care about how you're treating other people around that.

Stasha Boyd  49:13

Yeah, and I think I would pick up on that, for me, I think the thing that I would want people to hear is to- don't participate in the crazy. It's like, first of all, it's like, yes, it is true. People out there think shitty things about folks that don't fit whatever their idea of a good body or good image is. Don't, don't participate in that don't be- don't let them be right. Don't, don't, you don't have to say these things to yourself. If they're being a horrible person, let them be a horrible person over there. Don't, you don't have to internalize it, you don't have to agree with it. You don't even have to say anything about it. But you can- you can always hear somebody say something negative and go Yeah, they're wrong. I don't agree with that. And get in the habit of doing that. So number one, don't, don't take on other people's negative reactions or opinions of you. And identify if those opinions are actually your own or if they came from somewhere else. If they came from your family, if they came from that mean comment from some dumb ass kid in junior high, if they came from a work or performance situation that you were in, and somebody was judging you on how you looked. Those thoughts come to us from somewhere, if we've had them for a long time. If you figure out where, you have a much better chance of saying, Yeah, and when I was seven that person should have been slapped for saying that to a child. That was I mean, again, that was practically abuse. But, well, it's not. I don't wanna conflate abuse with just people being mean, it was mean, that was mean to say something like that to a child, that's a horrible thing to do.

Cheryl Stuller  50:43

Verbally abusive, yes it is.

Stasha Boyd  50:44

Yeah. The next thing I would say is then to when you see it happening around you, don't participate in it. It's like people, like one of the things that people find, and I have been told that I wasn't humorous about this. And I'm like, Yeah, cuz it's not funny. Was people who, like make comments about fat jokes. I don't laugh. And a lot of them, I'll just stare at them. If they, if they say something, or I'll say it's like, I don't understand that joke. I'm sorry. What's so funny about that?

Cheryl Stuller  51:09

It's just like a racist joke. 

Stasha Boyd  51:11

Yeah, you just don't, you just don't participate in it. You don't give it any energy. You don't give it any, you know, warmth, you don't let them have the goodness in you, to like, heap shit on somebody else. They're using you by saying that, you know, like, Oh, well, here, you know, this, this fat person laughed at my, you know, fatty joke, it's like, unless you really thought it was funny. You know, then, no, you don't have to participate in that. And if you, if you feel good about it that day, and you want to call it out, call it out. Otherwise, just simply don't laugh. I'm telling you, somebody thinks their being funny and encounters a stone face, you really can't hurt them much harder. You really can't. Um, so, so for me, that's the thing it's like, I would say, because the- really the only place you're going to be able to do anything about this is within yourself. The media is what it is, the world is what it is, in your lifetime, in our lifetime, we're not gonna be able to fix this. And we have to worry- societies can worry about 10, 15, 20 years down the road, you have to worry about today. And tomorrow, and how good you feel, and how happy you feel how proud you feel. So you worry about today, if you can make a little nudge here and there in your little tiny corner of society go right ahead. Um, but it's not your job to fix what's shitty about the rest of the world. It's your job, to take care of yourself, to have your own back, to enjoy your life, to help the people around you enjoy their lives, especially if those people are friends, younger friends, or children.

Cheryl Stuller  52:54

And I would say, you know, if you know how I feel about you and my best friend, if somebody were to come after them, or you, in any kind of a way, have each other's backs too, you know, another thing. I think that helps with confidence as well. When you know that you're not out there doing it alone. And you have somebody that cares about you and wants what's best for you and shows you that and has your back. I'm very big, very, very, I'm very loyal. And I'm very big about having each other's backs, especially as women.

Stasha Boyd  53:29

Yeah. Well, and I think too, there's some things for which I don't even need to like the person to have their back on. I have some people that I'm not big fans of, I don't really like them all that much. But if somebody made a fat joke about them around me, I would not have it. I'd be like, there's a lot of things wrong with that asshole. But their weight is not one of them. You know, I don't like this person. Their weight is not why. You know, I think they're an idiot. And I think they're lazy, and I think they're stupid. Their, the weight on the scale has nothing to do with any of that. Yeah. I agree. There you have it. Well, speaking of, so we're getting ready to like, move into our next thing, because that's part of how, you know, we determine success. You know, you we have to decide what's our own success with our body image, and what we're proud of. Next week's topic, Cheryl, let's talk about it.

Cheryl Stuller  54:16

Success. And we want to talk about it in a way that doesn't involve money. So let's think about this, Warrior queens, I can't even talk. For next week, think about how do you, how do you view success? And how do you consider your success personal to you, but that it doesn't involve money? 

Stasha Boyd  54:39

I think part of it is, you know, there will be some conversation around money but it's not about financial success. It's not about that... yeah. It's, it's within the conversation the same way threads are within the blanket. It's not the blanket, it's the thread. But I'm looking forward to that because you know, again, we've, we've had to kind of carve out our own definition of success and it's worked really well for us. Um I, I'm very happy with it. Like I said I am, I can be so, I can be thrown off balance by like talk, talk about image and weight and body image. You cannot throw me off balance about talks about success.

Cheryl Stuller  55:16

So this will be a good one.

Stasha Boyd  55:18

Yeah, I think we got this, but that is what we have time for. And one thing I have learned because Mike reminded me the other day is I don't have to like do our outro twice. We already have that thing tacked on to the end, so I don't have to say all that stuff about you know, like and share and follow and whatnot. Cheryl, it was so good to talk to you as always.

Cheryl Stuller  55:40

It was awesome talking to you. It's an important subject. So I hope we've helped somebody and I'm almost done with my drink.

Stasha Boyd  55:48

Cheers. I got like half an inch left in that little glass. Bye, honey. Bye Warrior Queens.