Grit: Getting sh*t done when life ain’t fun

Breaking news! Sometimes life is hard and work isn’t fun. People who handle that fact like a boss have something called grit, the ability to gut it out in order to achieve a long-term goal. In this episode we get down and dirty on the importance of grit in our own lives and how women can cultivate more of it as we move into our fifties and beyond. So sit back, dig in, and drink up. We’re powering through what to do when the going gets tough.   

Cheryl’s drink: Aviation cocktail

 ·         2 ounces gin

·         1/2 ounce maraschino liqueur

·         1/4 ounce creme de violette

·         3/4 ounce lemon juice, freshly squeezed

·         Garnish: brandied cherry

Add the gin, maraschino liqueur, creme de violette and lemon juice to a shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled.

Strain into a cocktail glass.

Garnish with a brandied cherry.

https://www.liquor.com/recipes/aviation/

 Stasha’s drink: Hemingway Daiquiri

 ·         1 oz white rum

·         0.5 oz grapefruit juice

·         0.75 oz lime juice

·         0.25 maraschino cherry juice (or other sweet juice)

·         0.5 oz simple syrup

·         Lime and cherry garnish

 Combine liquids in a shaker filled with ice. Shake well. Strain into martini or coupe style cocktail glass. Garnish with lime and/or cherry

 https://www.yummly.com/recipe/Hemingway-Daiquiri-1480591

Transcript

 Stasha Boyd  00:01

Hi there. I'm Stasha. 

Cheryl Stuller  00:03

I'm Cheryl. 

Stasha Boyd  00:04

And between us we

Cheryl Stuller  00:05

have four kids,

Stasha Boyd  00:06

three businesses,

Cheryl Stuller  00:07

two husbands and one goal.

Stasha Boyd  00:09

To get to The Point of the Matter. I would say that the reason I think it's so important is because grit is the ability to see something through whether you're having a good time or not.

Cheryl Stuller  00:20

I think everybody today needs to know that you don't always get an attaboy, you don't always get praise. You don't always get that promotion or that raise and that's okay. It's okay to be working hard and not getting noticed for it. I think that's part of that concept that we need to realize that not everybody gets a trophy.

Stasha Boyd  00:47

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller  00:49

Hello chica. How are you this week?

Stasha Boyd  00:52

I am good. I'm actually gonna start off with my little beverage here. I decided to switch it up. I am doing a Hemingway Daiquiri. It's so it's a rum drink. And I normally don't do rum drinks, because I always associate them with cruises and party boats and stuff like that. But I have to tell you, this thing is pretty good. Um, I did, I was missing one of the ingredients the maraschino cherry juice. So I substituted something else. So I think it could have been a little sweeter. But um, I gotta tell you, it's quite quite tasty. Y tu? 

Cheryl Stuller  01:22

I am doing a aviation drink suggested by my good friend who I miss a lot. She moved on in her job. And and that's how we saw each other a lot. And I really miss her in that role. Because she got us through a lot. She was my GAL boss, and she was so good at it that she got us through a lot of the hard stuff and made it bearable. I think just the COVID thing, where we couldn't see our kids where we couldn't have communication. All of that was so stressful for people in charge of all of that, that, you know? So, anyway, I miss her. And this is in honor of her. 

Stasha Boyd  01:57

Well, so how was your week?

Cheryl Stuller  02:13

Okay, it was, it was more calm. But I will say I want to add to my pet peeves.

Stasha Boyd  02:19

Okay. Welcome to the body count. I don't I don't wanna hear more about the body count in your little hometown. 

Cheryl Stuller  02:26

Yeah, all of that was good this week. QuickBooks needs to get their shit together and fix the error that keeps coming up. Because I've been on support with them for like four hours trying to figure that out. And then AT&T, I cannot stand AT&T, they change your plan all the time without telling you or tell you they're going to charge a certain amount, and then they charge more, and you're always having to get on the phone with them. So there's my thing for the week, my aggravation for the week.

Stasha Boyd  02:55

I gotta tell you, we're pretty down on QuickBooks ourselves. Um, there's a quick book glitch that has been going on for quite a while that Mike has been on hours and hours and hours. And they'll say no it's not QuickBooks fault. It's, you know, American Express' fault, it's not American Express it's this. And it's like, no, it's like, folks, it's just not working. At one point the QuickBooks folks even sent back an email going, saying essentially saying, well, we can't find a problem. Therefore, we've cancelled this ticket. According to us, there is no problem. So have a nice day. 

Cheryl Stuller  03:26

Yeah. Meanwhile you're still left with the problem. 

Stasha Boyd  03:29

Right? Right. So anyway, we're trying to do that, again, the world of customer service, we could just, we could certainly add that. But I don't know if that's actually a pet peeve or if that's just truly justifiable rage. Why have a customer service department, if you're not going to help people?

Cheryl Stuller  03:45

I agree.

Stasha Boyd  03:46

So anyway, speaking of that kind of brings us a little bit to our topic today. Cheryl, what are we talking about?

Cheryl Stuller  03:53

It is grit. And I'm really super excited about this one, especially when I started researching it, because I was thinking what is the difference between assertiveness which we've already-

Stasha Boyd  04:04

I would say that the reason I think it's so important, is because grit is the ability to see something through whether you're having a good time or not.

Cheryl Stuller  04:13

-discussed, and why do we need it? That's what we're going to talk about today. What do you think grit is? 

Stasha Boyd  04:19

I'll get into that one in a second. Because I also think grit is very important to our listeners, especially again, people in our age range. A lot of people are either making changes in their lives, or there are changes that are coming to them, you know, that they may have wanted or may have not wanted, and they're gonna have to make a change, they have to do something, have to take an action. And I do think that the thing that makes that has made me the most successful in my life. I do think it's that sense of grit. And for me, and I think that's the main thing. I think a lot of folks have been and we talked about this a little bit, but a lot of folks I think keep getting led astray by this whole conversation about passion, or you know, follow you know, do what you love, and the money will follow or, you know, follow your passion and everything will work out. And I'm like, here's the problem, when you start following your passion, pretty soon, something's gonna come up, and it's not going to be any fun anymore. And it's gonna be hard. And there's gonna be a lot of heavy lifting. And if you're not in the habit of, you know, just digging deep and gutting it out, and just getting in there and doing the work, you cannot be successful, you can't get you cannot complete the whatever it is that you're trying to do, because you're being ruled by your feelings, which are fickle, rather than by your your decision making, which can be really steady.

Cheryl Stuller  05:37

I agree, I think you can have all the passions that you want to. But if you don't have the grit and the perseverance and the resilience to get through those obstacles that might come up with whatever passion you have, you're not going to get through it. And you're not going to be successful at something that you may or may not think you have a passion for. But it can also go into getting through hard things in life. You know, you talked about our parents getting older. All the things that are going to come up with that. Those times in our lives are going to be difficult to get through. And how are we going to be able to get through that if we don't have a little bit of that grit and perseverance and ability to stand up for what you know needs to be the right course going forward, it's gonna be harder to get through that. And it's going to tear you down quicker.

Stasha Boyd  06:30

So let's, starting a little bit in kind of like the present day, what is something going on right now that you feel like okay, I this this is what grit's all about. I'm glad I've got 50 something years worth of grit experience. I know I've got this because I can put my head down and just move forward. What is your thing right now?

Cheryl Stuller  06:47

For me, CrossFit is my thing. I've always been really good at running, I've always been really good at swimming. So that was always my go to workouts. Because I was really good at it. And it was easy. And it got to a point where I needed to challenge my body. That was the first thing that came up for me. Um, you you have to worry about bone mass, you have to worry about immuno health, you have to worry about all these things going forward as we get older as women. How do you sleep better when you're going through perimenopause? How do you keep your brain functioning well? And one of the things to do is to challenge yourself. And for me, fitness was a good way to do that physically and mentally at the same time. And I like to I like to multitask. So I said what could be what is so far out of my comfort zone that I can. Because my husband and my boys were already doing CrossFit. So that was my first exposure to it. And I said, Oh, I can't do that. I can't do that. I'm not built for that. I don't have the ability to do that. And then one day, I was like, Well, what if I do? What is it going to take for me to be able to get comfortable with something I'm so uncomfortable at, because I had never done Olympic weight lift techniques. I had never done a snatch. I didn't know what a push jerk was I didn't know what a handstand push up was. I didn't know any of that. So that for me was taking my first step toward figuring out how to do all of that and be somewhat good at it. And I am four years into it maybe five years at this point. And I still can't do everything. But I keep leveling up and getting closer to those goals. Because I just have it in my mind. It's nine o'clock you go to CrossFit. I don't care how you're feeling. I don't care how sore you are. I don't care what the WAD is. I hate thrusters. You get your ass out there and you go and you do it and you do it the best that you can do it. And I'm really good at being able to zone out and not worrying about what everybody else is doing, concentrating on what I'm doing. And trying to stay consistent and strong with that. What about you?

Stasha Boyd  09:18

I would say it's this podcast. I mean, yeah, totally. Totally this podcast. 

Cheryl Stuller  09:23

Oh, wow. Okay. 

Stasha Boyd  09:25

No, because here's the thing, it's like going back to the idea you know, everybody starts something with a sense of fun. You know, when you called back in January, February with this really cool idea, I mean, I think I like thought about it for all of five seconds before I went, I'm totally in. I'm absolutely in. Um, and this kind of goes back to my under my life in the theater, my life in performance, my life in production, you know, all those 20, 30 years before that almost 40 years before that, is that as soon as I said yes, I knew it was gonna get hard. I just didn't know how, right? Cuz like, because there was so much about it that I didn't know. I mean, I know a lot about production. This part is the easy part. Yeah, shit. I mean, I can do this in my sleep. But I there were so many things that I didn't know, I didn't know marketing, I didn't know how podcast software works, I didn't know how, I didn't know how to like create art, I didn't know how to do any of those things. And there were really days when I just really did not want to do this. And I was tired and I was frustrated. But showtime's coming, launch day's coming, you know, that episode is supposed to go up on x day. And that means those things must get done. So if I'm the only one who knows how to do them, then that means I've got to get my ass up and go do them. And if I want somebody to get better at it, then that means I have to teach somebody and convince somebody to get better at it. And just so you know, Mike, right now, Cheryl has frozen. So I don't know whether we're back or not.

Cheryl Stuller  10:55

Oh, well, I can see you and hear you. You were frozen, too.

Stasha Boyd  10:59

Okay, but you can see and hear me. 

Cheryl Stuller  11:02

I can see and hear you now, yes. 

Stasha Boyd  11:03

Okay, sorry. Sorry, Mike, I'm afraid there might be another one you might have to cut out. But anyway, going back to what we're talking about, though, it's like that, that idea of grit is that even if you don't, so if you need help, you have to learn how to ask for help. If you need to teach somebody you have to learn how to teach. So, so much of that, you know, I've always thought work is for me, since like the physical side of work. I mean, yeah, I can I when I was younger, certainly I can get out there and work from you know, six in the morning until midnight, physically and I would be fine. But as I've gotten older, it's like most of my work is mental. And it's learning. But I think a lot of times, some folks, they want to think it's one thing or the other. But it's not just putting your head down to like do a repetitious task, it's also putting your head down saying, I don't know how to do this, I've got three weeks to figure it out. I'm going to push forward and learn this. I'm going to. It's the mental grit, I think.

Cheryl Stuller  12:01

I think it is more mental. Because you can do, I can do a half marathon one month and it be completely tolerable. I can get through it, you can try to do it again. And if you're not all there mentally, or you're tapping into, you know, I'm quitting or this hurts or whatever, you can have a totally different experience, even though your body might be able to do it, your mind affects how your body reacts. And that's true with anything.

Stasha Boyd  12:33

So let me ask you this, that so when did you first I mean, even though it wasn't identified this way, looking back now, either what created grit in you? Or when did you first notice that you really had it?

Cheryl Stuller  12:47

When I went through my first divorce, that was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. And I chose to go through it by myself, because as I told you guys before in relationships, I didn't want to involve my parents, because my parents had been right all along. I should not have married this person. That being said, how do you go forward? I wanted to get through that by myself to learn what I needed to do to survive being alone and raising a child by myself. I've got to be able to do that. So in order to do that and function on a daily basis and be a good parent and be a good provider. I had to get through the worst part of what got me there. So that was the first time that I ever really had to test myself because I had a great childhood. I mean, yes, we worked a lot. And we had a lot of responsibilities. But I think that was always a good thing. I didn't view that as a bad thing.

Stasha Boyd  13:51

Yeah, I don't ever remember thinking of my childhood as being Oh my god, this is so unfair. Oh my god, it's just so terrible that I have to be out here working so hard, that my my mother is working until seven o'clock at night and she's not home to fix me dinner. I never remember even, I think you would have laughed at me had I thought some, had I voiced something like that, they would have looked at me and went What the hell is wrong with you, get out there and finish your chores. And I think that that's kind of part of what what created a little, that grit, grittiness in me is that, it was just not even a concept that you wouldn't be, you know, it's like there's work to be done. You get up and you do the work. You know, part of it was a little bit of you know, farm life and again, our house wasn't on farm farm, but granddaddy's was and it's like, you know, if granddaddy was going to be doing something or he had a painting gig. It's like you know, you're gonna be getting up and going down there, you know, feeding chickens this morning or whatever it is he needed fed. Or the cows, the pigs, the hogs or the turkeys or whatever it was, um, there was no option to say Oh, but Mom, Dad, I've gotta I gotta test and you know, in second period. And I really need to kind of study for it. And I have to, I really, you know, I just don't you feel like you're like taking away from my study time. They're like, no, you're going to go feed the pigs or whatever. And then you're going to go to school on time, get there on time. And then you're going to pass that test, and you're gonna make an A on it, because that's what you're supposed to do. It wasn't even a conversation that you had, you just knew that all of those expectations were there. And I actually saw there was a thing about, you know, How do you teach kids? How do you teach young people, especially young girls, to have grit? And I gotta tell you, I read this whole, read excerpts out of this book, and I'm like, wow, all of that would have been so nice to have. It was things like encouragement. Praising them for their abilities. Praising them for their, you know, actual accomplishments and then asking them questions about how and why and what something did, or didn't work. I never had any of that. I just had to get it done. And so did my parents, and so did my grandparents, the people that I know who had the most grit of all. So is there something wrong? Cheryl? Do you think with the way we're trying to either convey grit or have respect for grit?

Cheryl Stuller  16:12

I think grit is different today versus when we were growing up. So I think today you even have to, I don't even think grit is because the very concept, passion and perseverance for long term and meaningful goals, okay? If I'm having to discuss along that way, how I'm feeling about it, how I'm accomplishing it and analyzing it all the time, it kind of takes away from you doing it yourself. That is not to say that it's not okay to say, Hey, good job on that WAD today. But I don't, if I needed somebody to encourage me every single task, every single WAD every single accomplishment, then I'm really not doing it on my own. And that's the whole thing behind grit that I think we are missing today. I think today's kids, 

Stasha Boyd  17:08

And adults, 

Cheryl Stuller  17:10

And adults, Okay, I gotta. But yes, my daughter- Wants me including everybody. Don't just focus on one group. I think everybody today needs to know that you don't always get an attaboy, you don't always get praise, you don't always get that promotion or that raise. And that's okay. It's okay to be working hard and not getting noticed for it. I think that's part of that concept that we need to realize that not everybody gets a trophy.

Stasha Boyd  17:15

Maybe one or two. I think that's probably like a, that's a really important thing to remember is like, the idea that it's okay to work hard, and not get noticed, and not be appreciated, and not be told all the time. How wonderful you are.  I had this conversation with somebody a while ago, and they were talking about, you know, like, well, I just want to feel like I'm appreciated. I just want to feel like somebody notices. I'm like, No, you want to hear the praise, you want to be told Not just that, oh my god, we appreciate you. You want to be told you're great. You want to be told you're awesome. And that's become your own little drug. You know, if you're not getting your share of praise, then it's almost like, you know, man, somebody give me a fix of praise, I gotta find it somewhere. And then they would go out and find ways to get, to get praise. Um, which I think is problematic, because it's like, yeah, we all want to be praised and appreciated. I mean, I start I'm definitely on one of the love languages. I'm definitely a words of affirmation, girl. And I used to joke because like, if our clients knew, if our clients knew how easily I can be swayed by them telling me I was doing a great job. Oh, my God, they could have, I would have handed them the moon, I would totally I'm an actor at heart. Applause is still my favorite drug. But um, but at the same time, that recognition that it's nice, but it's not necessary. If you if you appreciate you, if you can turn around, look behind you and say with all sincerity, yeah, man, I'm getting things done here. I things are moving forward and they are moving forward because of me, they are moving forward because I want them to because you know, I have put together a plan and an idea. I feel frustrated sometimes. But you know, okay. People get to feel frustrated. And then when that frustration builds up to be too much, and then you've got to say something, well, then you get to say something, too. But the idea that the solution for your frustration is people going Oh my God, you're so right. That's so hard for you. No, the solution to your frustration is you've identified a problem. You've identified a solution and you've said to somebody, here's what would help me with the solution. How can you connect those two things?

Cheryl Stuller  19:52

And not need to feel like you have to be recognized for that. It's the whole thing about relationships about you've got to love yourself enough that you don't need somebody else's input into that, that you're falling for somebody that you shouldn't be falling,

Stasha Boyd  20:08

Following, right. Because they're giving you they're giving you like voice praise,

Cheryl Stuller  20:12

They're giving you attention and you're falling for that person when they're really not the right person. You've got to have enough of that for yourself. And it's, it's the same thing for grit.

Stasha Boyd  20:22

Yeah. No, you go ahead. 

Cheryl Stuller  20:26

Let's talk about how do you get it if you don't have it? Because I think that's where we are a lot of the time. With a lot of the generations coming up. I'm not going to single anybody out.

Stasha Boyd  20:42

These kids today, Oh, my gosh, these kids today. Um, no, I, that that is a question whether I think it is fair to say that there is a there is a generational aspect to it. Um, but part of that is because I feel that people who are in our age, that didn't have grit that didn't achieve or were able to work hard or whatever, they've kind of taken themselves out of the game. You know, they're they're doing they're, they're gonna do their nine to five, you know, and they're gonna complain and whine and bitch about it, they're just gonna keep doing that thing. Hopefully, they'll never find themselves in a position to have to, you know, reinvent or whatever. I think it's kind of self selected out of the game. Whereas I think younger people still have this entire lifetime ahead of them. And it's like, Okay, how do I get from where I want to be? Or where I am to where I want to be? And I personally feel after they have been fed a lifetime of bullshit. Their lives. I mean, even if, like go up to the age of 30. I mean, 30 years ago was what? 1992? Is that right. You know, I mean, to me, that's like a blink of an eye. But in their case, so for all of this time, they've been told things like, you know, Oh, do what you love, and the money will follow, or they've been told you, it's like, you know, Live Your Passion. They've been told that the ideal work week is four hours long. They've been told that, you know, if you're having to put up with any kind of like negative bullshit, where you work that you know, you should do something, you should go in there, you should take a stand. They've been told that, you know, if they're not getting whatever it is that they want emotionally, in any given moment, that they should absolutely cut those people off. As opposed to what I think is probably a lot of times, the more helpful idea is to look forward to your own goals, and say, Okay, I realize this sucks right now. But my goal is to get, like my friend who's go, who was going to law school in her late 40s. And in her early 50s, she's like, no, my goal is to graduate from law school. And I'm going to work my 45, 50 plus hour a week job, and I'm going to go to my classes that are four nights a week, all the way across town. And I'm going to deal with my three children. And I am going to handle the fact that my first marriage is breaking up. And I have this new relationship that I'm starting in the midst of all this, and I am going to put my head down, and I'm going to get some shit done. And I think that is the kind of thing where I look at the the grit that we have as as in our generation. And generations that came before us. Certainly, it was like you do what you gotta do.

Cheryl Stuller  23:33

Period the end. Well, I also think it does apply to us even at our age, because what if we get sick? What if our spouse dies, and we've never taken care of any of the finances? You're going to have to buckle up and get ready for a ride and and get yourself through that somehow. You're not going to have somebody there holding your hand the whole way through that. So so getting some grit at this point in our life is also important as it is our children and I'm thinking about my grandchild. Um, I think it's a good thing to have them have exposure to success. But I think success needs to be earned and it needs to be earned through that lens of grit. So let's talk about how do you get it if you don't have it? Okay, one of the things that they recommend is you have to be invested or interested in what you're working toward. So if you tell your kid, I want you to go to college when you get out of high school. But I don't want to go to college. Well, but you're going to go to college. That kid is going to fail, even if they um, try their hardest and go to class and and everything if they're not interested in that. They're eventually going to drop out and fail. So it's okay to say, Well, I would rather go to a trade school or I would rather go into the military, or I would rather work my way up in this company that I'm interested in, or I would rather do a startup and this is why. How do you, so you've got to be interested in and invested in what you want to do going forward. That's number one. And that can be true with, Hey, I just got a diagnosis of MS. How am I going to get through this? I'm invested in getting healthy and having the best life I can through this diagnosis. How am I going to do that? I'm gonna have to serve me up some some grit.

Stasha Boyd  25:39

Well, and I also think that part of it is identifying what is what it is that you're passionate about. It's like, I remember there were times in my life when I had jobs, and like, you know, one of them I was, I was a scenic painter. I had zero passion for scenic painting, I had a lot of passion for eating, and having my bills paid. You know, so I went to work, and I did the best job I could. And I tried to be a pleasant person, and I got there on time, and I left. And if they said the shift was from, you know, 5pm to midnight this night, because we've got a big, we've gotta, we got to move this stuff out in the morning. I didn't say no, I'm like, Yeah, man, I'll be there at 10 till five, you'll see me, it's that idea that the, you don't have to love it to understand what passion you're bringing to it. It could be like, it's not like you mentioned the MS diagnosis. Who in their right mind would be passionate about an MS diagnosis. But what they might be passionate about is their kids, or their marriage, or their life moving forward. I have a relative right now with a with an MS diagnosis. And, and part of that is that question every day, it's like, you know, okay, why am I working hard today? Why am I taking those extra three or four steps today? Why am I doing these different things today? And I think that question is how you kind of discover and kind of your passion doesn't have to be what everybody says it should be, oh, I'm passionate about art. Oh, I'm passionate about self expression. Oh, I'm so passionate about, you know, the butterflies and life and saving the rain forest. And again, if those things are true for you, I don't mean to mock. But most people, what they're passionate about is themselves, their immediate family, the quality of life within the circle of somewhere between 15 and 50 people. 

Cheryl Stuller  27:30

Well, let's talk about that. Let's get back to that job thing that you mentioned a little bit, you didn't like it. But you had interest in moving forward in your life and doing something else. And for that time period, that's what you did to put food on the table and pay for your car and your house, in order to be able to do something later on that you were interested in. That's also grit. Even though you weren't passionate about that job, you should get up and do the best that you can every single day, in order to get to a goal that you might have to take steps to get towards. That's another thing to realize. You may not get what you want, every time you want it, even if you work at it and grit through it to get to it may be steps and layers of getting to what you want. I may have to start as a dishwasher to be CEO of this company that I really am passionate about. I'm going to start at the ground. And I'm going to work my way up. So it's that idea of look, looking long term. And getting through the obstacles that you need to get through. And the way to do that is through practicing. You've got to practice to get through that and not give up.

Stasha Boyd  28:43

I was, and practice to me I think it's like the people like always people have asked me before, you know, how are you so patient? How are you so, you know, laid back in certain situations? And I'm like, well, let's practice. I practice it on the things where it's easy. You know, I can practice being patient with people when I'm standing in line at the grocery store. I can practice being patient with kids, when I am around somebody else's children. I don't have to I don't have to fly into a demoniac rage because somebody else's child is being a brat for five minutes. I mean, I can I can master my own emotions, I can handle my own thoughts. And so that's I think how you start. Practice when it's easy. So for example, with grit, you know, if you are a person who's our age range, let's say the kids have left home and you're no longer spending, you know, 40% of your day on taking care of the wants, whims and needs of your children. It's like okay, now I need to move on to something else. I want to do something more, I still have another 40, 45, 50 years, hopefully, of life ahead of me, I want to do something, then it's like, Okay, then that means that every day, you've got to set a time to get up and get out of bed. And you've got to do something. 

Cheryl Stuller  29:54

Hopefully it's something that you're working towards that's going to challenge you. That's another recommendation is view the difficulties and the roadblocks and the things that get hard as just part of the process and accept it, and, and be able to be willing to not quit, and move through it to the other side.

Stasha Boyd  30:16

Yeah, I would add to that, I would add to that one, though, I think there is one thing to keep in mind. And I've seen this with people who have started small businesses or tried to start a business where they had that they had the grit, they had the cahones, they were doing all the things. And then one day, the math just didn't work anymore. And it's like, even though you have grit, and you have this, this passion for what you're trying to do, at some point, if the math is not working, you do have to be able to say, Okay, I have to make a change, that is also grit. And that change might be I have to let this thing, go and go get a job, you know, an hourly jobs somewhere for the next six to 12 months if I can to kind of tide me through or it might mean that you have to step down your living space or something. But whatever it is, it's like, being able to make tough mental decisions is also part of grit. Don't quit too early. I never want I never want to encourage anyone to quit or let something go too early. But I also want to make sure that, I always temper my advice, and at some point, the math makes sense, or the math doesn't. And the other way to look at that is the money makes sense. Or the money doesn't.

Cheryl Stuller  31:26

Yeah, I didn't go into CrossFit knowing how to do a snatch, I had to ask a coach that was really good at that to take me through step by step by step. So the idea of of outsourcing, recommendations or questions or knowledge or expertise, be willing to reach out to somebody who knows more than you about that subject who can say, the idea of you opening a restaurant, and you're only going to sell popsicles. I know you're passionate about it, but probably not a good idea. You know, be willing to change up what you're passionate about. If you've resourced that thought process out. And it's just not money feasible, or interest feasible, you know, be willing to change what you're passionate about, by opening it up to people that can help you through that.

Stasha Boyd  32:23

Well, I think that's kind of your next one, too, is like be willing to learn. Is that like the next on the list, you have to be willing to learn and to say, yeah, whatever it is I'm trying to do right now. I'm not the first person who ever thought of this, somebody has done it before I did. And I'm gonna look for who they are. And I'm gonna, like, you know, I'm gonna have some humility. And if I know them, ask them for advice. And if I don't know them, I'm going to read, I'm going to study, I'm going to do something to say, Okay, what is it that this person is doing that can help me? I think a lot of times people kind of they again, that whole idea of confusion of grit, is they think of grit as on my own completely. And it's like, No, you do not have to reinvent the wheel, you do not have to start from ground zero. What you do have to do is say, this is what I know, this is what I don't know. And that's the person over there, who knows it. And I'm gonna like, you know, hold my hat in my hand. I'm gonna walk over there and say, dear sir, dear ma'am, would you be willing to teach me?

Cheryl Stuller  33:20

We did that when we, we decided to change the focus of our business going forward. Because we saw different opportunities. And we met with a guy out of Atlanta who was doing that the very thing that we wanted to do, and he was doing it really well. And he had been doing it really well for a long time. So we went and met with him, took him out to dinner, spent a lot of time with him and said, What are you doing? And how are you doing it successfully? I want to know everything. And we talked to his office staff, and we talked to his techs, and we talked to all these different people. And then we took that information back with us. And we put it into practice with the way that it would work for us. You know, because we are not them. And we don't need to do everything that somebody else does. We need to cater it towards what we know we can do. So that's another thing. You know, take the information, but make it work for you. What your goals are.

Stasha Boyd  34:21

I think that also dovetails into, you know, a little bit of self confidence, a little bit of self humility, a little bit of the idea of saying, I can, I can learn without having to duplicate. I'm not trying to recreate someone else's thing. I'm trying to learn something new so that I can do my own thing. And again, that's true, no matter what it is. It's like if you just want to like move from your work life into your retired life. If you want to start a new business, if you're looking to take on a new challenge and a new volunteer opportunity, if you're trying to rebuild after a huge setback that you were not accustomed to, you've had 20 years of like, you know, smooth sailing and all of a sudden, you know, thanks COVID your world has been shook. You can you can you can learn from other people without saying, Okay, I'm going to do exactly what they did.

Cheryl Stuller  35:09

Right. Exactly. So the third thing is attempt something that feels difficult or outside of your comfort zone. That's another way to help you learn what grit is, and how to, you know, get through a situation. And that could be something that's short term, or it could be something that's long term like CrossFit for me is long term, it's going to take me a long time to get to where I want to go. And I, I'm totally okay with that. I celebrate the little challenges, work and tweak where I need to, and I keep at it. But that can also be something that's short term, like you want to go back to college at 55 years of age, that's going to be a challenge. And it could be just a single course that you want to get through to help something that you're doing now a passion project or a business or it could be something long term where you want to earn your degree. So it can be any of those. And the fourth way to get grit is to reattempt something that you gave up on previously. Maybe you're older, like I gave up on college because I had a three year old and I had a baby on the way and it was just too much. So maybe now I look at that and say you know that was a bucket list item I really want to finish that, it's something I started I want to finish. Maybe I need to look at that again, now that I'm older, more mature, have more time have more money. Maybe that's something that I can look at doing now. So it's okay to revisit things that in the past you've really wanted to do but weren't able to. To your point of, I didn't quit it just wasn't the right time. I may revisit that later. And that's okay, too.

Stasha Boyd  36:53

Yeah. I think that's also another thing to kind of think about too with with the idea of of just general determination. I have I've never actually there was like a one time when I was in when I was in college I was doing summer stock theater in Panama City Beach and we, the hotel we stayed in was right on the water it's like and it was like one of these like you know old style motels that had like the the the two levels the front but they're all front balconies and all the doors open straight up onto the not balconies but like the walkway. Right out in front of that was a dock and right down there was um, you could rent like sand boards. You know, what, what did they call windsurfers?Windsurfers. And I remember thinking, Man, I'd like to learn to wind surf. Oh my god, that'd be so cool. I can learn to windsurf. This summer while I'm here, how hard could it be?

Cheryl Stuller  37:46

It's very hard. 

Stasha Boyd  37:47

Oh, my god, oh my god, it was so hard. And so I'd be out there like trying to get the stupid sail out of the water and trying to get and meanwhile I'm working in summer stock theater, I'm making like $110 a week. That was it. But they gave us the, the little boards for free. And I'm like I can I will spend all of my free time learning how to do this. It took me all summer, the entire summer stock before I was finally able to get where I could like get on the board, stand it up, and hold on to it. And if I was lucky, August and July in Florida, there ain't no frickin wind unless it's a hurricane. And just to kind of like gently, you know, move 15 feet across the across the water. But it was that thing that it was it was worth it for me. I never became a great, you know, sailboard person or whatever. But I accomplished my goal. I wanted to do something, I wanted to do this thing for my summer. That's a win. And there are people who are like, Oh my god, you never learned how to do it. I'm like, I don't need to learn how to do it. I did what I wanted to in that time and that moment, and I'm fine with that. If you're not fine with it, then maybe we should talk about you not being fine. We should talk about like, what is it in your past that makes you so concerned about my ability to do this? What is your thing? That's the other people putting their opinions on you about what you do and do not accomplish. There's always gonna be somebody who thinks that you're not accomplishing enough. You haven't worked hard enough, you didn't try enough, you didn't do all of these different things, that person exists and they're going to exist. If you're going to cultivate grit, you've got to decide what it is very clearly that you want to do. Not what anybody else wants.

Cheryl Stuller  39:29

Not what anybody else wants and be okay with the naysayers or the You can't do this or you're too old or you're too this or you're too that. That's where that confidence in yourself really comes in. And you can say, great, you have your opinion, heard it. Now I'm going to move on and do what I want to do. Don't care. 

Stasha Boyd  39:47

Right. And if they're somebody, if they're a casual acquaintance, you can like do that. But if there's somebody that's close to you in your life that's like in a circle and like you've said this before, if they're playing into, if they've hooked into your negative thoughts and they keep playing into them. Yeah, you're really, you're right. You're really not good enough. Oh my god, a college degree at your age? That's foolish. If they're like hooking into your worst fear, or your, your biggest challenge or obstacle, and they keep like pouring gas on that and not saying, I'm here to help you, then yeah, that person's got to go. Cuz that's not about grit anymore. That's not about grit. That's about somebody being a fucking asshole, and they need to go. 

Cheryl Stuller  40:26

They need to go quickly and effectively and hopefully not with a shovel.

Stasha Boyd  40:32

I think we need that on T-shirts, they need to go quickly and effectively. Hopefully without a shovel, or burn barrel. We don't know, you know, or hogs, we don't know. 

Cheryl Stuller  40:42

Okay, so one of my favorite movies is True Grit.

Stasha Boyd  40:46

Yep. John Wayne and my favorite. She talks like this. . . menopause brain. I love her.

Cheryl Stuller  40:58

Katharine Hepburn?

Stasha Boyd  40:59

Katharine Hepburn. 

Cheryl Stuller  41:01

She's not in it. 

Stasha Boyd  41:02

She's in True Grit. No, she's in Rooster Cogburn. Yeah, she's a

Cheryl Stuller  41:08

Rooster Cogburn is in, that's his character in True Grit. Katharine Hepburn is not in it.

Stasha Boyd  41:14

No she's not in True Grit. She was in the the sequel, which is or prequel, whichever one it was. She's in that one. But the young, who played the girl?

Cheryl Stuller  41:23

Maddie, and Haley Seinfeld played it in the newer version. I can't remember the actresses name in the older version. But if you want to see what grit is, that's a good representation versus, you know, hollywood of course. But, um, she hired him because he has grit. What does grit mean? Grit means he's going to help me get to where I want to go. And I want to find who killed my father. And make him pay. You know? 

Stasha Boyd  41:53

I think part of that's tenacity. You know, that's just being tenacious man. I'm just not gonna let this thing go. 

Cheryl Stuller  41:59

Right. It's not right. I want to get justice for it. This is how I'm gonna get it.

Stasha Boyd  42:05

John wayne, love me some John Wayne.

Cheryl Stuller  42:08

Love me some John Wayne, too. So for us younger viewers, if you haven't seen that you need to you need to see it. The older version is better. But the newer version is good as well.

Stasha Boyd  42:18

There was a, another star that was in the older version of True Grit. And she kind of was the it was the guy that the the young characters are so Mooney faced over? Um, was it Pat Boone?

Cheryl Stuller  42:30

The, yeah, the the Canadian officer with them?

Stasha Boyd  42:35

Yeah. Anyhow. Oh, my God. It's so sad. 

Cheryl Stuller  42:39

You should watch it.

Stasha Boyd  42:41

Absolutely.

Cheryl Stuller  42:42

Our audience anyway.

Stasha Boyd  42:44

Well, we're kind of coming up on time here in a few minutes. Is there anything else that we really want to talk about, I would say that the only thing that I wanted to like, you know, kind of make sure that if people were to take away one thing is that to understand that what grit is, to me is that grit is not a feeling. grit is not the idea that you do what you feel or you have a feeling about something. grit is action, grit is I'm going to get up and I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to do it again, tomorrow, I'm going to do it again for a month, I'm probably gonna have to do it for a year. Regardless of how I feel about it, I am going to take an action. And I do think that people are, have been given this horrible disservice by I think people should have feelings, you should be able to feel, I don't want to do this, I don't feel like I want to do this. And you can really enjoy and not even enjoy, but just explore that feeling and own it, because it's real. But then do it anyway.

Cheryl Stuller  43:39

Acknowledge it and move on.

Stasha Boyd  43:41

Yeah. And feel it all the way through. I mean, it's like that's one of the things they talk about with like women in military positions, that they have done studies where women have a tendency to cry a lot more under stress. But women also have a tendency to be under intense stress and to continue to repeat the action that they've been trained to do. So in, within, in the military, when a when a lot of times when a male recruit in basic training, when they reach their breaking point when they're like at that tears or whatever, a lot of times, they will, they kind of shut down, whereas the female cadet, the female trainee, they will be in this like complete, you know, emotional mess, but they keep moving forward. And I do think I don't know if it's something to do with like, you know, women genetically or if it has to do with like women, just the way we've been brought up in the world that you know, it's our job to keep going, whether it's motherhood whether it's you know, family stability, whether it whatever it is. I do think that women, young women, middle aged, older, that we can tap into that and use it as something to think about. This is kind of what we do. We get up, we move on.

Cheryl Stuller  44:56

Yeah, I don't quite identify with, crying has never made me feel better. So I don't feel like oh, I just need a good cry and then I can move on. I more identify with I need a good punching bag and then I can move on.

Stasha Boyd  45:12

But here's the thing, let me ask you because I don't ever think of crying, crying does not ever make me feel better, ever. But I experience crying as rage. I very rarely cry from sadness. I mean it has to be a really truly monumentally sad event for me to cry out of deep sadness. And again, that's the loss of a close loved one kind of thing. That's so profound, that you know, it's not coming back, you're never gonna have another moment with this, this this person, this entity again. Um, but I will cry tears of frustration. When I am just like, I have done it all. I have done, I have left it all on the field or the quart or whatever. I absolutely cry with rage. And at the same time, though, I don't fall apart. I keep moving. And I do think there is something to be said that there are folks who just kind of like disappear into the puddle of tears, because I still think it's something they've been trained to do. It's like, Oh, you know, they, whenever they cried before they got their way, whenever they cried somebody will like come and say, Oh my gosh, you know, you're you're so right. This is terrible. They've learned to use it as emotional blackmail. And that's a horrible thing. I've I've met and known people who it's like, you know, I see the tears starting to come. And it's like, they only show up when they want me to do something. And I'm telling them now.

Cheryl Stuller  46:36

Yeah, I see that a lot with my GAL work. Emotional manipulation.

Stasha Boyd  46:42

Yeah. But for me personally, I do think that you can have you could have, you can have strong and intense emotions, and they still don't have to stop you. 

Cheryl Stuller  46:54

Mm hmm. That's the key, I think. I think if you're letting it stop you, then it's not serving you. It's not serving the people around you. So it might not be a good go to for you. Figure out something that works for you emotionally and go to that. I will tear up, sometimes out of frustration or just being so tired or just you know, I've been working at this for so long, and I'm not getting anywhere, I will tear up but to actually cry. I don't often do that. So I deal better with that kind of mental exhaustion by being more physical.

Stasha Boyd  47:36

Yeah. Well, part of it for me is, you know, again, part of being an actor, and like what I've, it didn't take me too long to learn how to do this, you know, I can cry on demand in a show. I can, no problem whatsoever. And it's because you're tapping into a real emotion. And if you can, if you can, so if you can do that, if you can, like in the middle of a theater in a house or whatever or with cameras around you. You can get real enough with your own emotions, hundreds, maybe 1000s of people watching that you can open yourself up to be that that vulnerable. You can recognize that what an emotion is, especially an emotional response is something that can be conjured. It can be brought up to being and if that's true, then it can also be unconjured. When you recognize the emotional things that are happening, you can decide to say like, Okay, I'm, I'm not going to go with this. For me, I've kind of discovered over the years that when it is deep, deep, deep sadness. Yeah, man, I want to go all in. And for me, it's like, it's been always been my animals. You know, when we lost our dogs or puppies, my or, you know, the larger life ones, my grandfather, my grandmother, people who had such strong presence in my life. Um, and those times, I was, I didn't consider any of that making me weak. It didn't make me emotionally weak. It didn't make me mentally weak. It just really embraced something that I felt was very important. Whereas I think if you cry at the drop of the hat, over everything and nothing, then you really should maybe give some thought to the idea of why are you doing this? How does it serve you?

Cheryl Stuller  49:21

Or not even just cry. If you have tantrums or if you get angry, or if you tend to cut somebody down or whatever, whatever that go to, is that you go to emotionally, this is what I was talking about in pet peeves, my wonderful daughter, I was talking about that kind of extreme emotions either way, whatever gender you are, whatever age you are, if you're using it as a tool. I don't respect that. I don't respond to that well, and I'm not going to be your friend in that situation. And I'm gonna call you out on it. I think we all need to recognize what our emotions are, and have a handle on them based on like you said, situational awareness, you know, if I'm with a loved one, and I want to let go, and vent that's totally okay. But if I'm in a public setting, or I'm using it for a different purpose than it's my emotion, and I need to let that out. That's not serving anybody well. 

Stasha Boyd  50:30

I think you can't, you know, experiencing deep emotions does not preclude being gritty. I think if you are not getting where you want to be, if you're not accomplishing your goals, and you take a look around and say, Okay, here, this, this, I think this is part of the things that are standing in my way, then it's something to take a look at. And again, some people, you know, they're, they're frustrated, they're not where they want to be in life. They're not doing what they want, whatever. But you know, there is no part of their thought process that will ever say, oh, gosh, what am I doing to contribute to this? What am I? What am I? What could I do differently? 

Cheryl Stuller  51:05

Thank you, thank you for saying that. Because you need to look inward before you look outward, what is my part in this?

Stasha Boyd  51:12

And I think that holds true of any negative thing. Anything that is not and again, and sometimes, you know, you'll take that good, hard, deep look, which again, if you really practice that you can do it. And you can say, you know, my, my, my contribution to do to this problem right now, is the fact that I'm still in this relationship, or that I'm still in this situation. That's my contribution. That's how I got myself here. Um, other times, you can take a look at it and go, all right. I said this, I did this, I didn't say whatever. Um, but if that's where you stop, that's not enough. The idea even with grit, even with what we're talking about, the idea is I want to get somewhere, I want to complete something. So what change do you have to make? Starting with the things you have control over which is yourself. And what things can I influence, which are the things you don't have a lot of control over, but you can influence by asking and questioning and and putting in position and the things you have no control over that you just either have to roll with or get out of the way. That's that that's a little bit that's like level two of grit. Level One of grit is head down, I'm powering forward. I think Level Two is okay. We're now going to do it with a little bit more sense about us.

Cheryl Stuller  52:28

Reaching out to people who are smarter than you in that area or reaching out and saying, Hey, I fucked that up. This is how I fucked it up. Can you help me move forward from this?

Stasha Boyd  52:39

Right didn't mean to wasn't my intention. But here we all are. So what can we do? 

Cheryl Stuller  52:43

What can we do to move forward?

Stasha Boyd  52:45

Yeah, absolutely. We'll girl I think that's our time on this one. I think that's our time. 

Cheryl Stuller  52:50

Okay. I think we did a good job on this one. And my drink is gone.

Stasha Boyd  52:55

Look at this! It's the saddest, Oh, wait, wait, I still have one sip.

Cheryl Stuller  53:00

I never see you drinking anything. And I'm always drinking.

Stasha Boyd  53:06

I think you're just not watching. I think you're I think you might not be watching on all of this. Hang on, we got to come up to what's our what is our next one? What's our next episode?

Cheryl Stuller  53:16

Ooh, that's a good one. I don't know what our next episode is. 

Stasha Boyd  53:20

I'm looking at the schedule. It's something that you and I know so little about right now in our lives Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller  53:27

Okay. What is that?

Stasha Boyd  53:29

Dating.

Cheryl Stuller  53:30

Dating? Okay, well, I have a few stories. And I definitely have a best friend who is single. 

Stasha Boyd  53:37

I think that I think next next episode is really gonna be more of from my part of an observational story. And then like, kind of memories of when I was dating back in the day, but I have to tell you, I do not envy a single person that is in our age range that is dating in this moment. You know, it's a tough world out there. It's, it's challenging. And I'm, I think it's gonna be a very interesting conversation.

Cheryl Stuller  54:03

Absolutely. So warrior queens, ooh I said it better that time. I've been working on that. If you have some comments on your dating experiences, tell us and we will have your back on it. And we'll talk about it.

Stasha Boyd  54:18

All right. We are off everybody. Thank you again, so much. We appreciate it. We love you guys. And thank you always, as always for listening.

Cheryl Stuller  54:26

Bye.

Stasha Boyd  54:27

Bye.