Dating: A BFD to your BFF

What do two long-time married women know about dating in midlife? The answers will surprise you. Whether it’s supporting friends re-entering the dating world or being in it ourselves (What?! Listen to the episode!) there’s a lot of wisdom and experience that women know but sometimes need refreshed. So, whether you’re the dater, the wing-woman, the shoulder to cry on, or the hired gun when some douchenozzle needs an ass-kicking, grab a glass of something refreshing and settle in. We’re getting down with dating. 

Cheryl’s cocktail: Watermelon Sangria  

 ·         12 cups cubed watermelon, divided 

·         1 (750 milliliter) bottle dry white wine 

·         1 cup vodka 

·         ½ cup triple sec 

·         ½ cup simple syrup 

·         1 medium lime, quartered 

·         1 orange, cut into wedges 

·         1 cup fresh blueberries 

Stasha’s cocktail: Vodka-grapefruit fizzie

·        1.5 oz vodka (used Ketel One this time) 

·        3 oz grapefruit juice

·        Top with grapefruit Buble 

Transcript

Stasha Boyd  00:01 

Hi there, I'm Stasha. 

Cheryl Stuller  00:03 

I'm Cheryl. 

Stasha Boyd  00:05 

And between us we 

Cheryl Stuller  00:05 

have four kids, 

Stasha Boyd  00:07 

three businesses, 

Cheryl Stuller  00:08 

two husbands and one goal. 

Stasha Boyd  00:10 

To get to The Point of the Matter. You know, you want to be the person that you're trying to attract. You want to be the person who brings something to the table, you know, to bring, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be completely healed and all that kind of stuff. But I do think you have to say, Okay, I'm gonna bring my own funny. I want somebody who's got, someone who's got a sense of humor, but if they don't have one, I'm going to bring my own. I'm gonna bring my own with me anywhere. I'm gonna have my own sense of, of self respect. I'm not going to wait for them to turn my life around because they love me, and suddenly, I'm lovable again. No, I'm lovable, whether they're here or not. 

Cheryl Stuller  00:48 

Be willing to quickly either address it with them and talk to them about it and see how they respond. Or like I did, and I'm like, I've been down this road, dude. Not doing it again. Thank you. And next.  

Stasha Boyd  01:02 

Hola Cheryl.  

Cheryl Stuller  01:04 

Hey, chica. 

Stasha Boyd  01:10 

Oh my God, I hate technology. Let's just start there. Let's just start with that's how my week is right now, I hate technology.  

Cheryl Stuller  01:16 

Continue with the pet peeves, yeah.  

Stasha Boyd  01:19 

Yes, that's we're just gonna continue that theme, because it's certainly continuing with me. But, no, my week's been pretty uneventful. I've had a friend up here studying to take the bar, she's gonna be taking the bar over the next couple of days. And because it's still quote, unquote, COVID time, she's gonna be taking them up here in our office. So for the next couple of days, Mike and I are going to clear out so she can have the place pretty much to herself. And Mama called earlier, so she and Daddy are going to come up for lunch tomorrow. So we're gonna see them. That'll be nice. But other than that, it's just been real low key. Low key. 

Cheryl Stuller  01:53 

Okay, nice. 

Stasha Boyd  01:55 

You were saying... 

Cheryl Stuller  01:56 

Well, we rear ended somebody this weekend. Going back to the pet peeves and the how people drive thing. 

Stasha Boyd  02:05 

Yeah, and it was a rear ending. So who was at fault in the accident? 

Cheryl Stuller  02:11 

I'm gonna say it was both of our faults, because we had both stopped, she was going to turn left. But what she actually wanted to do, we found out after when we pulled over together, she was trying to turn around, like do a U turn. And it was a really tight space. So she realized she couldn't make it and stopped short. She had already gone so we started going forward and we, we hit the back corner of her car when she abruptly stopped. So there you go. 

Stasha Boyd  02:44 

Yeah, well, and actually, just real briefly, my brother and his wife got into a wreck coming home from North Carolina from, or is it Hilton Head, and they were actually in a u haul truck. And this woman just blew through a stop sign and just, they just hit her right in the passenger side door. They said fortunately, no one was seriously injured. They had some bruises and some burns from the airbags going off. But the woman just they said she just did not, didn't even tap the brakes. And the cops or whatever were like going Yep, you're definitely not at fault. We're not going to cite you for the accident, you know, but then of course they had to like get everything, and u-haul, get things transferred over, all sorts of crazy.  

Cheryl Stuller  03:25 

Oh my goodness.  

Stasha Boyd  03:26 

Which brings us to the drink of the day. I'm actually doing a little, I've got a very simple, it's just vodka and grapefruit juice and my grapefruit flavor of buble. And it's in a little kettle one glass today. I've got a little kettle one glass.  

Cheryl Stuller  03:44 

I see that. I kind of made mine into a smoothie because it's a watermelon sangria. Um, so it's an alcohol smoothie, which I really like. And since you guys are going to see the ingredients, I left off the simple syrup because sugar, sugar causes inflammation in the body and that causes disease. So I try to leave out as much sugar in my diet as I can. 

Stasha Boyd  04:10 

Okay, because it's on the thing. There's a half a, damn, a half a cup of triple syrup and half a cup of triple sec? 

Cheryl Stuller  04:17 

Yeah, I didn't, I didn't do that. So it doesn't have anything, any sugar in it except for the fruit itself.  

Stasha Boyd  04:24 

Okay, yeah, that makes more sense. And the sugars in the alcohol. There you go. Well, Cheryl, what are we talking about today? 

Cheryl Stuller  04:31 

We are talking about dating. So I don't know what-  

Stasha Boyd  04:35 

Why would anybody want to hear from you and I about dating?  

Cheryl Stuller  04:39 

Well, I mean, a lot of my friends and family don't know this. But Brian and I were separated for a period of time. I won't say how long, but I actually joined a dating site and went out on a couple of dates, which was really weird for me after being married for so long. So yeah, we're gonna talk about it. And we both have friends that are single and dating. So it's, it's our age group too, I think.  

Stasha Boyd  05:09 

Yeah. And I think that, you know, for me going back to like, you know why it's important to women in our age, it's not just because we have friends who are dating, or who are trying to re enter dating in their late 40s and 50s and some 60s for heaven's sakes, but also because, you know, we hear about it, you know, we're friends of theirs, we want to be supportive, you know, we want to be helpful and try and set and try and say and do the right things. And at the same time, kind of point out, where it's like, okay, you really don't need to be putting up with that bullshit. That's, you know, I know, you're, you've got some things going on mentally and emotionally right now. But what you just described to me is some bullshit and you don't have to put up with it. 

Cheryl Stuller  05:42 

Right. We're going to empower, we're going to empower women and talk about, you know, kind of the steps to take, if you're choosing to date, because a lot of our friends, their relationships have come to an end. Because you outgrow each other, you change, you want something different. So a lot of, not a lot. But there's several of my friends that have had long term marriages that are now divorced. And and in that dating scene, and it's such a weird thing to be in, I think, at our age to have to have to be starting over in a relationship when you've had one for so long. That's a really hard adjustment to make.  

Stasha Boyd  06:25 

Oh, my God. Well, so let's start with the first kind of question. So you know, you were talking about how you know, you had the, you went on a few, a couple of dating sites. So what was that like? What was that all about for you? 

Cheryl Stuller  06:37 

I only went on one and I went on one that was fitness related, because that's my whole thing is fitness. So I wanted somebody that would be in that realm of their life along with me. And some things that we're going to point out with our 10 steps talks about that, it talks about finding somebody that you have interest with. So I started out with that. Come to find out there's not a lot of guys on the dating site in my age group that are actually fit. Oh, my God, I was like, are you sure you signed up on the right dating site? Because this is a fitness dating site. 

Stasha Boyd  07:19 

But that's also part of the problem. It's like the misrepresentations that people find when they go to these dating sites. I had a girlfriend and she was like, and she and her husband had been married 30 something years. Both of their children were gone. Had moved up and moved on. And so now she's on this dating, dating site after 30 something years of marriage. 

Cheryl Stuller  07:39 

Right, right. That was me too. Yep. 

Stasha Boyd  07:41 

Yeah. And she's like, a very attractive, very good looking woman. Um, and she was like, you go in there, and first of all there'd, there'd be their picture. And then there would be them when you met them. And she's like, Okay, first of all, why is this picture? Why are you? Why did you have hair in the picture? And you don't have hair now? I mean, what was that all about? Why were you, you know, you had this cut jaw in the picture. But you, you, you are like double, double chins now. And again, I get it, people want to put their best foot forward, I always put my best pictures. When I'm out there on the internet. I'm not gonna put my crappy pictures. But if you're on a dating site, you should have a mix of both. Here's me looking, my best and here's me, you know, sweaty and hot and looking like my normal self. You know. And when I was an actor, it's like one of the things about headshots that I used to tell everybody, you know, when I was hiring or things when people would bring me headshots, I'm like, I need to see a picture of you smiling so I can see your teeth. Because if I can't see them, I'm gonna assume you don't have any.  

Cheryl Stuller  08:39 

That's a very good one. Yes, I like that one.  

Stasha Boyd  08:41 

And that's the thing of the dating sites, it's like if there's just something about all the pictures, that's just something missing. That's, that's hard. That's that's like the truth in truth in advertising. 

Cheryl Stuller  08:51 

Exactly. Well, I found this really cool article from a woman who is our age. And I really liked it because it married kind of what I went through and what I did. So do you want to talk about that? 

Stasha Boyd  09:06 

Yes, let's go through that. And I'll kind of chime in with some of the things that you know, my friends have who've come to me or talked to me about it, what they've told me and what they've shared with me. 

Cheryl Stuller  09:15 

Okay, the number one thing is become the person you want to attract. So if you are putting out there that you really like somebody who has a sense of humor, and has a joy in life, then you need to also be able to laugh and feel joy. In other words, you can't be in this space where you're devastated from getting a separation or divorce and you're not in that headspace where you find anything funny. You know, you have to, you have to be in the same space as what you're asking for. In other words, you can't expect it of somebody else if you're not willing to give that as well. 

Stasha Boyd  09:54 

How much of that though, I mean, the capacity for self reflection and not, an honest self reflection, not as well, let me think about all the things that are wrong with me, but also all of the things that are legitimately right with me. I think that most of my friends that I know who came through either a difficult divorce, whether they initiated or their spouse initiated it or or whatever, that first, you know, I would say for a lot of them, year. I mean, it's, it's hard on the ego, it's hard on your self esteem. And so saying, okay, I want to be I want to put myself back out there, I want to go, I want to go date somebody, I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to get out there. And then you're out there, you're like, Okay, um, are they going to say I'm not ready? Or are they gonna say they weren't good enough? 

Cheryl Stuller  10:40 

A lot of times, they're gonna say, I'm not ready. I think, I think, I did that. I was like, I'm just not ready for this. I'm obviously not in a space where I am ready to meet somebody else, I am still grieving and mourning where I am right now. So, you have to take that into consideration before you sign onto a dating site, you know, especially a dating site, because you're, you're going to start getting all of these likes and requests and all of this that you're going to have to engage with, you don't have to, but that's the whole intent is to start engaging and meeting people. And if you're just not in that headspace, it's not the right time. And that's okay. Acknowledge that and back off. 

Stasha Boyd  11:27 

Well, and I've had, like, it kind of goes back to some things that my friends would say to me, is that, you know, they, they would describe, you know, over here on the porch, you know, after like, you know, a couple of glasses of wine and a few shots of tequila or whatever it was, and they describe this wonderous perfect person. And I'm sitting there looking at them going, Yeah, but Honey, you're a hot mess. Why is this wondrous perfect person, you know, gonna want to put up with your shit, and you don't want to put up with theirs? Yeah, part of the hard thing is that you get to the point where, I agree, you know, you want to be the person that you're trying to attract, you want to be the person who brings something to the table, you know, to bring, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be completely healed, and all that kind of stuff. But I do think you have to say, Okay, I'm going to bring my own funny, I want somebody who's got some who's got a sense of humor, but if they don't have one, I'm going to bring my own, I'm gonna bring my own with me anywhere, I'm going to have my own sense of, of self respect, I'm not going to wait for them to turn my life around because they love me. And suddenly, I'm lovable again, no, I'm lovable, whether they're here or not. 

Cheryl Stuller  12:29 

Absolutely. And that's one of the things that we're going to talk about, you've got to think about it from the other person's point of view, they are assuming that you are ready to meet and see if there's a connection and possibly move forward. They don't want to meet you and hear all about your ex, how hard of a time you're having, you know, that's not the point in meeting somebody. You don't, I wouldn't want to meet somebody and have all of that re- have all of that rehashed. In a new relationship. You know, at some point, you've got to compartmentalize and have that over here. Maybe you're talking to a close friend or a therapist to deal with that. And then over here, you're trying to move forward and meet somebody else and give them a chance at something new with you. 

Stasha Boyd  13:18 

And I'd say figure out how you are going to talk about your own baggage. So if it was a difficult divorce, or divorce that you didn't want, or there are kids involved. There's all this baggage and this complication. You've got to figure out okay, how am I going to address this when I'm out with them? Is it gonna be Oh my god, he was so awful. Oh, my God, it was terrible. Oh, my God, I'm just not- is it gonna be something like that. Or is it gonna be, you know, things changed. We moved on. And even if that's not 100% true, even if there's like, all of that pain and stuff is still there. It doesn't have to be part of dinner conversation. 

Cheryl Stuller  13:51 

No, it does not, you do not have to reveal all of that. You can keep that compartmentalized, like I said, and deal with that in the appropriate way at the appropriate time. Not with somebody new that you're trying to move forward with, you know, and possibly be interested in. That's not the right time.  

Stasha Boyd  14:09 

Well, let me ask you this before we move on to the next one, because one of the things that I noticed a lot too, is that a lot of them and I noticed this in kids also, it doesn't matter the age right now. But everybody like they meet the one- they'll go on a date with somebody. And they're like, well, I don't know if they're the one. And I'm like, why do they have to be- Why can't they just be one tonight, one this week? Why can't you date several people? Why does it have- Why do you have to be looking for this long term partnership when what you're really looking for or you could be looking for is a pleasurable friend with some benefits or a Mr. 90 days or something that is not so much pressure.  

Cheryl Stuller  14:49 

Okay, that's number six. You you brought that up. That's actually one of our things. Don't take things personally. And that means, you may meet somebody and it may not be the one. And that's okay. It could just be somebody that has some of your interests, maybe I enjoy riding motorcycles, and I enjoy doing CrossFit. If I met somebody who also enjoyed riding motorcycles, but there was no other connection, I would just ride motorcycles with that person. You know, it doesn't have to be this all or nothing thing. You can make it, you know, talking to the other person and being upfront with them. You know, you can make it just a friendship and having somebody to hang out with and do things with. 

Stasha Boyd  15:37 

Yeah. And again, if they don't want to, it's like if they're like, No, I didn't sign up to a dating site to get a biking a motorcycle partner. All right, go in peace and go with God. But I think the other thing too, is that whole idea of "the one" and I'm gonna find this link, I'm gonna put it in the show notes. But, um, Dan Savage. Have you ever heard of Dan Savage?  

Cheryl Stuller  15:54 

I have.  

Stasha Boyd  15:55 

I love me some Dan Savage. But he was at a college campus one time and somebody said, Well, what do you do when you meet the one? How do you know that you've met the one? And he kind of took the question and he looked at the card, he's like, Well, for starters, you don't. Because there is no one. There is no the one. There are, you know, there are things you can do to be in love with people, there are things that you can do to be loving and lovable. But the idea that there is just one singular person out of the billions of people on this planet for everyone is just a hopeless, ridiculous fantasy that has caused so much harm in people. So much harm. 

Cheryl Stuller  16:28 

Yes, it's not a Disney movie. Life is not a Disney movie. A thing that she says to say is we had different goals. And it's good that I found that out now. Thank you. And then you can either say Thank you Next, or Thank you, and you're going to be somebody that I'm going to enjoy spending time with, but not be in a relationship with. Can we just be friends? And you have those adult upfront conversations with those people. Do not lead them on, do not ghost them. Have a real conversation about how the date went and how you want to move forward. There's nothing worse than being ghosted. You think you had a good time. You had great conversation. The conversation never lagged. You had things in common. You kissed each other good night, made plans to see each other again over coffee, and then you never hear from that person again. What is all that about? 

Stasha Boyd  17:25 

I think it's part of the the whole thing with technology is that's made it very easy to do. 

Cheryl Stuller  17:30 

I know. And it's not okay, 

Stasha Boyd  17:32 

Well, but also, I think part of it is for two reasons. And we've talked about this, I think, and we talked about it in relationships is like, number one, get real comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations. Let things be awkward. Be okay with feeling weird about saying something and then say something anyway. And again, and if somebody does ghost you, and again, these people, again I have these girlfriends, because one of mine are like, oh, that I had written down about that women our age have a lot less patience for bullshit. I noticed that they put up with a lot of bullshit. There's a couple gals, I know who this happens to, you know, they'll text the person and they won't text back. And then they might not text back for a day or three days, and then they'll get a text of some sort. I'm like, no, that's not okay. It's like, you know, if you're communicating with somebody, you know, I say they don't, I don't think anybody has to, like, answer you right away. But within 24 hours, and if that happens twice. That's it. You know, that's because see, that's bullshit. That's not getting any better. By the way, there is no improvement happening. If somebody does something like that to you twice. Let em go. 

Cheryl Stuller  18:37 

Let them go, let him go.  

Stasha Boyd  18:39 

Let him go. Let him go.  

Cheryl Stuller  18:42 

Number two, write down what you want in a partner. My therapist told me this as well. So I was happy to see this in her list. Because it's important to know what you're looking for in somebody. You write down what values, what characteristics, do you enjoy a sense of humor? Do you enjoy somebody who you can have an easy conversation with? Do you enjoy somebody that likes to watch movies? You know, you get very thorough about your list and you keep that in mind. But it's not the end all be all to meeting somebody like you said there's no the one. And they talk about dating outside of your type. Because the shorter blue collar worker that made you laugh the whole night and was so kind to you and texted you back to say how lovely the date was, could turn you around on something that you had in your notes. I need somebody that's taller than me. I need this. I need that. But if you meet the person and you have a connection with them, and they're fitting the things on your list that are the most important to you. Sometimes looks is not the whole thing that's going to determine how you go forward, sometimes you need to compromise and let some things go. 

Stasha Boyd  20:06 

Well, I think the thing with the list idea, I love the idea of having a- because I like writing things down because it focuses the mind, you know, you're able to like, this is really important to me. But I would say rather than like writing a hard list, I want this, this, this, this and this, I say look at what's, what's important for me to be. Like they said, you know first make sure that you are the person, it's like, Am I a considerate person? Consideration. Am I funny? Yes. Or am I private, or I mean, whatever those things are, that you are and that you think that you're going to value in another person, keep that part of the list. And then we call that the needs column. And the needs column is like, you know, I need people who are going to be kind, I need people who are going to, that I don't have to pull the humor out of them. I need that. My wants. I would like them to be, you know, whatever, financially stable, I would like them to have their own house, I would like them to have whatever that thing. I want them to have a job. And then the greeds, okay, it was like if I was getting really greedy, and I can have all of these other two columns. I wish they were like six foot four, and they had a body like The Rock and really getting greedy. That's on that greedy list. Um, but I think getting real clear on the thing that is truly, that you absolutely must have. And that is truly a deal breaker. 

Cheryl Stuller  21:27 

There's pinpoint, there's pinpoint things that you've written down that that's going to be a deal breaker for you, like you said, how they treat the waitstaff when you go out to eat, and you notice they are treating you one way and somebody else a different way? That's a deal breaker for me. So things like that. That are deal breakers you absolutely have to stick with.  

Stasha Boyd  21:48 

Yeah, well, I've got a girlfriend right now. You know, she's, she's, oh, this is the guy, this is the guy, got divorced later in life, you know, has some kids, you know, and but this new guy. Um, every time she tells me what's going on with her and this guy, it sounds like you know, back in high school when, you know, somebody is dating the class jerk. And they're explaining to everybody else. Why oh, no, that's really just fine. It's like, you know what, I know. He only comes home. He comes home really, really late and everything. He doesn't always call me when he's gonna stay out and everything. Yeah, but he's, but you know, he's just independent. He's just really independent that way. And I like that about him. I'm like, you lying bitch, no, you don't.  

Cheryl Stuller  22:24 

No, you don't. 

Stasha Boyd  22:25 

That's rude and disrespectful. But what you're trying to do, is you're trying to justify this choice.  

Cheryl Stuller  22:30 

Mm hmm. Exactly. To not be lonely. And that's, that's one of the things is you have to love yourself, and be in a good place yourself to bring somebody else into your life that you can then show that right back at. You can't, you cannot get who you are from somebody else. Okay, you have to be as whole as you possibly can. So that you're not making excuses for other people so that you're not alone. And you need to be okay with being alone. You know, like you said, what if you don't meet a person that you're going to marry even though that's what you want? You have to be okay with having that be in your life as well. 

Stasha Boyd  23:17 

Yeah. Or the question is, how am I going to be okay with that? How am I going to be okay, is it because I'm going to make sure that I have my own circles of friends, is it because I'm gonna make sure that I maintain an attitude of curiosity and intrepidness so that I will go to a new restaurant, I will go meet some new friends, I will go hang with somebody that I don't know. Um, I think that because part of again, going back to the this, this other type of big lie that we've been told all of our lives, is that there's this one soulmate for you out there, and they're gonna fulfill everything for you, and you're gonna, like, you know, grow old together, and you're gonna die together, it's like, no, odds are one of you is going to die first. So sooner or later, one of you is going to be alone. Sooner or later, even in the best of all possible worlds, that's going to happen unless something really dramatic happens. But in that case, it's like, what world are you moving forward into? Are you gonna be enriched by friends, who are there for you? Are you, will you have strong relationships of some sort with with either whether it's family or longtime friends? Have you cultivated the ability to make new friends and not lost that ability? I think that's part of what a lot of people kind of, when they keep thinking that there's this one magical creature out there, or if they're divorced, okay, now we're gonna say maybe there's two or maybe there's three. There, there just isn't. You know, there are people who are better, I think. Kinder people, funnier people, people who like you said that are involved in the same things you value like fitness and health. But not their aint no magic unicorns, baby. 

Cheryl Stuller  24:51 

No, not at all. And you've got to be comfortable enough with yourself and love yourself enough to be your authentic self. So one of the things, I loved this, was one of the guys on the dating site that she was on said, I love playing video games. And he put that right out there. Like, I'm not going to be with somebody who won't either join, either join with me or tolerate it. I love playing video games. And she said, At first she was like, Oh, well, why would somebody put that out there. And as she thought about it, she was like, that's great that he did that, that expectation about being who he was, and what he enjoyed doing, he put that right out there from the start. And if that's not your jam squirrel on by, but there's gonna be somebody who loves to play whatever video game he was into. It was like World of Warcraft or something like that. There's gonna be somebody who that's their jam, too. And isn't a great that you already know that. And he was his authentic self. 

Stasha Boyd  25:55 

Right? Well, I think a lot of times, you know, going back to the whole idea of like, feeling confident, it's like, as we get older, we do get a little bit more set in our ways. And some women, some of my girlfriends, they really put themselves out there, like, Oh, I'm a party girl, I want to go party, party, party party, and it's like, honey, I know you, you're in bed by 9:30 every night. That's who you really are, you know, but you're, but what you just showed me on your dating site is a person that I don't recognize. And I don't want to sit there and say, Oh, well you gotta put down, you know, I'm boring, boring, boring, it's like, that's, that's not the case. But you can find a way to be yourself. And by the way, it's like, not even finding a way because of dating sites, you know, learn to be yourself anyway. And recognize that that's pretty good. 

Cheryl Stuller  26:41 

Absolutely. And that you that you are worth dating too, you have to go in with that, you know, I bring a lot to the table, you know, and this is what I bring to the table, you know, so you're writing that down about yourself as well. The one guy that I went out with, we only went out to lunch twice. He took a phone call during our lunch date that lasted like five or six minutes. And it was, you know, if it had been his work, or his kids totally get you. But it was about buying parts for his VW rare van. He totally could have taken that call later, taken the call and said, Hey, you know, I'm out to lunch with somebody. I'm going to give you a call back later. I totally would have respected that. But he stayed on that phone call. I got up and walked out. And he texted me later. And he goes, I'm so sorry. I guess I was on that phone call too long. And I'm like, No, you disrespected me. And I and I, I'm not going to put up with that. Have a great life. I enjoyed the lunch that we had prior to this, but it's not to go any further. So I was totally honest with him. And I didn't put up with being disrespected.  

Stasha Boyd  27:53 

And that's the difference, I think between like outlining, when you're making your list, and you're thinking about the things that are important, it's not, won't take phone calls while I'm sitting there. It's is considerate. You know, because again, had that been a situation where he would've gone like, Oh, I'm so sorry, I just I've been trying to get ahold of this guy for like, you know, two weeks, he finally called me back, can I take five minutes and answer this call? That's being considerate. If it's, if it's a situation where it's like, you know, okay, I'm just gonna pick up the phone and call, or these people who sit on the phone and scroll in a conversation that just can't put it away. Now, there are people in this world for whom that is completely acceptable, they would be perfectly fine if somebody scrolled their phone, they might do the same thing. And if that's who you are, all of your attributes, all the things that you list about yourself, don't all have to be positive. You know, if you really don't care if somebody you know, is scrolling by their phone, as long as they have a good job and are, are reasonably funny and seem to be nice to kids, if that's your top three, and you're okay with and you can put up with the scrolling. Or you don't mind it. Don't let anybody tell you, you have to. 

Cheryl Stuller  29:04 

No, that's a deal breaker for me, but I get it if somebody else is okay with it. But that's disrespectful as well. Time and attention, you know, time and attention.  

Stasha Boyd  29:16 

Right. Well, and like I said. My point is for making sure that whatever it is, it's for you, it's not for what you think somebody else thinks you should want.  

Cheryl Stuller  29:24 

Right. Which brings us into number seven is focus on self care. It takes a lot of time and energy to put yourself out there and meet new people and get to know them, you know, it's good to talk to somebody over the phone or, or by text before you actually meet up with them. It takes a lot of time and consideration and energy to do that. So if you're not feeling it back off, and don't be in that realm of trying to date somebody, she had the three months on three months off rule, she could do it for about three months and then she needed to take three months off. Whatever it is for you, that works for you, you know, it could be one month, it could be two weeks, whatever it is, that's your limit and your boundary, honor that and you know, give you some you have to, you don't want it to be. Because I love this. She said don't hurt your own happiness in the pursuit of a relationship. So if you're not in a happy place, keeping up with all of this attention that you're going to be getting, Oh, and by the way, all dating sites have the standard replies that if a guy clicks on your picture, it'll say Hi, I'm interested in talking to you can we chat? That's a standard reply. Don't respond to those. Respond to the guys who take time to say hi, I noticed your picture and I noticed that you're into bicycling and hiking, I'm into that too. Like you're actually having a conversation with somebody and showing interest, you know, respond to those people don't respond to the click baits, you know.  

Stasha Boyd  31:04 

Which reminds me, so there is like, apparently this is like a real thing. Cheryl. I did not know this was actually a thing. But have you ever heard of negging? NEGGING? Negging?  

Cheryl Stuller  31:16 

No.  

Stasha Boyd  31:17 

Okay, so negging comes out of this like, quote unquote, playa culture where these these asshole guys get together and they they figured out some idiot asshole somewhere said like, you know what, if you want to get a woman to respond to you say something nice, and then say something negative. So for example, like you know, hey, I bet you, they meet in a bar. Hey, you know, it's like I came in, it's like and I saw that you have this fantastic dress on, I didn't know why you like wore those ugly shoes though. 

Cheryl Stuller  31:45 

Okay, I would finish my drink and I would say yeah, this isn't gonna work out. See you later. 

Stasha Boyd  31:51 

But that's me and you, that's me and you because apparently the same reason these like you know people fall for you know the the prince from Nigeria send me some money, you know, kind of deal there. People are falling for that bullshit all the time. There are women who fall for this bullshit. Because what happens is, is they hear the first part Oh, your dress is so pretty. Why did you wear those ugly shoes? Then they start defending their choice. Or they'll say Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't I, this is all I had. And it does put people psychologically at this disadvantage. 

Cheryl Stuller  32:18 

That's gaslighting. 

Stasha Boyd  32:20 

Yeah, recognize when somebody is is playing you. Doing something weird and rude, if something's weird if somebody says something weird to you? No, you don't need another five minutes of weirdness. Now if somebody's just like an interesting, odd kind of person. And you're like, Okay, I want to find out more about it. That's great. But as soon as people do, like you said, it's like, they take a phone call and don't say anything. Okay, that's one weirdness. Then they maybe they say something slightly insulting, or they're, they, they're dismissive when you talk about something important to you. It's like, okay, that's the second weirdness. Man, you get three, three little weird things be done, be done. 

Cheryl Stuller  32:57 

And I only had one weird thing. And I was done. Because, and I hope that we are teaching our warrior queens that assertiveness and standing up for yourself and having grit, all of these things serve you in managing people, managing circumstances, managing your life, in a way that respects yourself. So if you are not being respected, be willing to quickly either address it with them and talk to them about it and see how they respond. Or like I did, and I'm like, I've been down this road dude, not doing it again. Thank you. And next.  

Stasha Boyd  33:37 

And next point of my life again, I'm, I'm Mike and I've been together 26 years at this point or something. But I have watched people who will sit there and and I think some of them are too quick. I think some of them it's like, it's like, Oh my God, he's he used the word you know, he spelled th e ir instead of th e y apostrophe r e in a text? And I'm like, okay, that's, that's a bit hyper. If they did that once you know, that happens to people you're being you're being insane at this point. Or they'll have like the ridiculous list. So it's like, Well, you know, I saw he pulled up and I thought he drove a Mercedes and he drove a jag. Well, that's just not gonna do and like, okay, now this is on you. You're being an idiot. But I do think that, you know, for me, part of my ability to be assertive now is I can watch somebody do stupid shit and know that I'm not involved in that. And I can see it coming. I'm like, Okay, yeah, fine. That's stupid. I'll be leaving here in a few minutes, but I want to see where this is gonna go. Wow, I didn't think it was gonna be that bad. But that was, that was bad.  

Cheryl Stuller  34:43 

You have to go, do I want a relationship with this person? Or do I even want to be friends with this person, you know?  

Stasha Boyd  34:48 

I've already answered that question like 15 minutes ago. I already know the answer is no at this point. I'm just curious to see how big of an asshole they are.  

Cheryl Stuller  34:55 

Okay, gotcha. You're in it for the entertainment at this point. 

Stasha Boyd  35:00 

I will tell you, I think, I will credit my husband for this he has, and my father in law, what my father-in-law especially used to do is he would like throw something kind of crazy out there in a conversation, just to see how the other person would react. He's testing their mettle. Now he's doing this on the golf course, you know, when he's going in, he picks up a foursome or something, and he just kind of wants to see, he's entertaining himself. But I do think that when you get the ability to understand that wherever you are in your life, you're separate from these other people. They can be who they are. And as soon as you can decide that they're a jerk or an asshole that you're not gonna put up with it. And at the same time, you can still, you can still stand in their presence and not lose yourself in it. 

Cheryl Stuller  35:42 

Right. 

Stasha Boyd  35:42 

They might be being disrespectful. But you don't have to accept the disrespect. 

Cheryl Stuller  35:47 

No, you don't. And another thing. At first, I felt like I had to respond to everybody who reached out to me, You don't owe anybody anything, if you don't want to take the time to respond back to that person. Thank you, and next is how you've got to treat that, you don't owe anybody an explanation, a reach out, you don't owe anybody anything. That's another thing to remember. 

Stasha Boyd  36:14 

Well, and that's also goes back to the idea of like, how dating has changed, society has changed, you know, back in the day, you know, when in the 80s, in the 70s. You know, if some guy like asked you out, you were supposed to respond in some kind of a positive way, you were supposed to appreciate how hard it was for him to reach out. And it's like, that's it, those days are done, you know, and that has made it easier. You know, even though technology has made it easier to ghost somebody, it's also made it easier for people to kind of either pester you or to reach out to 50 different people or whatever. So you don't have to feel bad about that, I think is what I'm trying to say is that if you're if you're like looking at a thing and going like nope, this was not on my list. No, thanks. You don't even have to send a No thanks. 

Cheryl Stuller  36:55 

No, you don't. 

Stasha Boyd  36:57 

No. And if they pester you, well, then that's, you know, also kind of a deal killer. 

Cheryl Stuller  37:03 

And the idea that no is an answer. And it doesn't need an explanation. It doesn't need a follow up. It doesn't need anything. No. Period. And that's the end. You don't have to explain after that.  

Stasha Boyd  37:18 

And then it's block.  

Cheryl Stuller  37:20 

Yep. Thank you and next. 

Stasha Boyd  37:26 

Going back to thing, it's like you know, know your worth and Okay, there was one here on the list, I think is, we haven't talked about. Get active on social media. 

Cheryl Stuller  37:35 

Okay, well, I was going to talk about that. So one thing I did was I joined meet up. Meet up. And it has different groups that you can register with. And it'll send you notifications when they have events around that type of interest or hobby that you have in your area. So of course, I signed up for motorcycle riding, I signed up for hiking. I signed up for art class, a few other things. So whenever comedy shows, so whenever they had those events in my area, they sent you notifications, you would RSVP, and then you know that you're already attending something with other people who have the same hobby or interest. 

Stasha Boyd  38:19 

Wow. 

Cheryl Stuller  38:20 

So that's one way to get involved on social media. And a lot of, Facebook has the same kind of groups. I'm sure Instagram does too. But whatever your particular social media is, don't be afraid of it. It's a good way to reconnect with other people that you've had in your life that you haven't seen in a while. And it's also a way to meet new people. 

Stasha Boyd  38:43 

What about for people who, for whom going somewhere alone is just excruciating? It's just so hard for them to do that. So you know, now now for me, I could probably get on meet up and go anywhere, do anything I will I will find someone to talk to, no problem. But there are some people for whom that is that is there is no amount of personal growth that's going to change that for them. How do they deal with it? What What would you recommend?  

Cheryl Stuller  39:12 

Well, I could call you up and I could say, Stasha, there's this comedy show that I want to go to, will you go to it with me? You don't have to be on that meetup site, you can bring a plus one. So if you're still not comfortable doing things by yourself, you can bring somebody with you. Absolutely. 

Stasha Boyd  39:30 

Going back the idea of why you got to have good girlfriends, you know, and good guy friends, I think it's important to have good friends overall. And I think that's the other thing too, is like everyone doesn't, when you're going on a date. They don't have to immediately become part of your inner circle. I have some friends. It's like they'll they'll go on a date. And it's like by their next date, they want to bring them into the inner circle. And you're like, Okay, first of all, you don't know this person very well. We don't know this person very well. And it's like, you know, and now are you asking for our opinion, are you just trying to have a shared experience together, whatever it is, let us know. But you don't have to do that immediately. If you want to go out, it's like, it's like bringing, you know, the new partner around the kids. It's like, is this person ready to be introduced to your friends? Or is this person just for you for right now? 

Cheryl Stuller  40:15 

Well, and what about this, I have a group of friends that we hang out a lot. And one of our friends is in a separation, and dating somebody new, and we don't like the new person. So we're not, we're not including that person in on our activities, because they always want to bring the new person, we don't like the new person.  

Stasha Boyd  40:40 

Have you told her what you don't like yet? 

Cheryl Stuller  40:45 

In a roundabout way, we have, but you know, you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, and they absolutely get to choose who they want to be with. Um, so that's a tricky, tricky thing. And and it's true for your children, too. What if your children are dating somebody you don't really like? How do you approach being willing to say something? And I would say, if it's just a personality thing, you know, maybe keep your mouth shut. But if it's, hey, do you? Do you see how that person is treating one of your friends? They're being really disrespectful to your friend whom you've had a long time. Is that okay with you? Do you see it? You know, do you want to talk about that? And they might want to go, huh, you need to stay out of it. Well, there's your answer, you know. 

Stasha Boyd  41:36 

That is one of the things too, it's like going back to the idea of having an awkward conversation. It's like, you need to feel confident enough on your own friendships and relationships to go Okay, here's, here's what I'm seeing. I'm not trying to wade into your business. But since you're bringing them to the group, you know, I just have a question about this. But if they come back with noneya, then it's like, well, all right, then the rest of us will talk about this. And if we decide that that person is intolerable to the rest of us, then you don't come either. Because part of that, you know, and I think a lot of a lot of groups get this, and especially women and people in our age range, where it's like, the new partner comes in, and everyone's just supposed to be happy, happy Joy, joy, Why can't you be happy for me, why can't you be happy for me? And like, if this person was, you know, just rude to you. Your friends would be sitting there watching someone be rude and mean to their friend. And it's like to to you to who you are. So you're asking a lot of us. This is not this is not a little thing. You're asking us to sit there go, okay, it's okay. If this new person who nobody knows from Adam just shows up, and suddenly is like treating you poorly in our presence, and we're supposed to all just sit there, what kind of people does that make us? Do you realize what you're asking me right now. 

Cheryl Stuller  42:59 

Right. Right. And do you realize they're doing that to you, because that goes back to that whole, you know, know your own worth, and be able to stand up for that so that you're not, you're not missing that somebody is treating you that way, just so you have somebody to be with. Because a lot of times that what, that's what it comes down to. Well I don't want to be alone. Okay, well get comfortable with being alone first. And then when you meet somebody, you're going to have a better, you know, radar of asshole versus somebody good for you that you can navigate, because you're in a better headspace. 

Stasha Boyd  43:35 

But that is the hard part. I think though, of being in our, our age group, is because it's like a lot of times when people hear that they're like, what you're asking of me is too much. I am terrified of being alone. I don't want to be alone, I'm not good at being alone. And you're asking me to not just be alone, but to be incredibly painfully lonely. And you can be a good friend, you can you can say that's that's not true. But if they truly feel that, there's not much you can do, if they truly feel that you know, okay, if you are if you don't accept this person, because I'm going to feel just so lonely if they're not in my life, then you have to decide, okay, how do we deal with the fact of this person? And I've had friends you know, some of that I have right now, I am not fans of their partners or their their new partners. I may not have been fans of their first partners or whatever. But I have to kind of take an approach for myself that's like, Okay, this person is now a fact. This person is a huge part of their life. They love them. They think that what I'm seeing is silly and that I'm making shit up. They think that I don't you know, understand. They think that I'm just being too hard on this person or whatever it is. And I have to decide, okay, that person's behavior would not fly with me for one minute, not for Oh hell no, hell no. Um, but that behavior is flying with them. And okay. I mean, I'm not talking about abuse I'm not talking about somebody who's being abusive by any any mean.  

Cheryl Stuller  45:14 

Oh, of course.  

Stasha Boyd  45:15 

Yeah, no, yeah, that's that would be a deal killer for a lot of things. But no, just like you said, being in what I would consider disrespectful, it would be below my threshold of being okay. But apparently, it's not below theirs, um, and they think and when I've pointed that out to them, they've basically told me to basically piss off because you know, how dare I be so, I'm so lucky. I have Mike, you're so lucky, you don't have this situation, you're so lucky. And it's like, that is true. I'm very lucky in a lot of ways with you know, so far my life partner, I'm very, very happy with my choice. And at that point, I kind of have to say, you know what, you're right. I am completely lucky and super happy. I have this high bar that I fell into face first through no great, you know, thing of my own. And you being in my life is more important than them not being in my life. 

Cheryl Stuller  46:14 

Yeah, definitely. Sometimes you have to make some decisions on who. And it also depends on the situation, I'm not going to have somebody over for the weekend that I don't feel that is a good person, either to me or to my friend. But I might go to a dinner with them, you know, something that's less time consuming, and you can create some space and you know, there's workarounds. That's a workaround. So it kind of depends on the situation. Let's talk about the fun stories about like I've had one of my friends recently, was dating online and showed up to the date. And not only did the person not look like their picture, we're talking 10 years difference. But this person talked about her hamsters. She had six hamsters, she had named them all. And that was the whole conversation over lunch. Now, for somebody that might be a wonderful person for them. Oh, I'm into hamsters, too. How did I? How have I I'm so lucky to have you in my life. We have the same interests. But for this person? No. 

Stasha Boyd  47:32 

They weren't waiting for the hamster stories?  

Cheryl Stuller  47:34 

It was not on the agenda, was not on the agenda. For sure.  

Stasha Boyd  47:40 

I think I was, you know, I I try. I try very hard to not be like I said, not be judgmental. Judgmental to me is I have examined a situation and I've decided that that's not okay for you. Judgment is I have examined a situation and that's not okay for me. I would not have the six hamsters. But let somebody say something mean about either my three cats or before that my two dogs? I'm like, yeah, maybe you're not a dog person. But you can piss off if you're not. And I think that's the thing. It's like, you know, finding your right the right space. But no, Mike and I had gone to this one, we were like, all right, it was like a film. Somebody had made like a little private film or something. Not a private film, but a documentary of some sort. And we go there to this event. And it's like, we were like in the year of like saying yes to everything. Meeting new people, going out and seeing stuff. Afterwards they had like a little art show. We watched the film. It was dreadful. Oh my god, it was dreadful at a level you cannot even begin to fathom. But then we're like getting ready to go. And I'm like going honey, I'm really ready to go. I'm tired. And so we're making our way down the Grand Staircase thing. And we meet these these other people kind of like standing at the bottom. And we said, so how did how did you guys all meet each other? How did y'all become part of this, this group? And without missing a beat, they're like, oh, we're all here for the Gerbel Show. Mike's face was like, the what? 

Cheryl Stuller  49:18 

There's a show for that? 

Stasha Boyd  49:20 

It was like a cat show only it was for gerbels. So they all had like their special gerbel cases and their gerbels. And they had like how they grew and they were like all having this like really intense conversation about you know, it's like this show one and then that person is coming from this thing. And they've got this one gerbel, but this gerbel might be cheating because I think they like put some special, you know, lotion in their fur fluffers or whatever. I don't know what it was. But it was like, and we're like, how did this just happen? How did we fall into this group? And at the same time as we left we're like, that last 10 minutes, made this whole night worth it. The whole night. Cause we're like we never knew this existed. Never knew. Which brings me to the point of that story, which was basically like, you know, even if it's like something weird and off the wall, a you don't have to hate on people. You can also get a great story out of anything. You know, almost anything, you can get a great story out of almost anything 

Cheryl Stuller  50:18 

Or a good laugh at least 

Stasha Boyd  50:20 

Yes, I would definitely say a good laugh, but man, Mike's face when it was like, like, what? Hamster show?  

Cheryl Stuller  50:30 

What about going to a party that you don't realize is for swingers? 

Stasha Boyd  50:37 

Well, I don't think I've ever gone to a party I didn't realize was for swingers.  

Cheryl Stuller  50:40 

Okay, I have. And I am pretty progressive on a lot of things. But not that. I am not. I am not a swinger at all. 

Stasha Boyd  50:55 

Goes back that whole thing about it's like your, you know, I judge things not good for me. But if it's okay for you, well, then y'all just go to town. 

Cheryl Stuller  51:04 

Yeah, have a good time. Thank you. And next. 

Stasha Boyd  51:07 

Because here's the thing. So we have some friends of ours, and they were part of like a lot of alternative lifestyles. So they had gone on a they've gone to a resort, let's say they'd gone to a resort, a swinger resort. And while they were there with their other friends and whatnot. There were people there that were like part of like the fetish community that were really into like those rubber suits, right. So they're like all wearing these, like, you know, head to toe encased in rubber. And they were like in the pool floating around in these like rubber suits, with like little straws in their nose so they can breathe. And they're sitting there was like, Yeah, like you people over there, y'all have sex with people who aren't your spouse that is just wrong. And the guy is like, the swinger's going, you're floating in a pool in a rubber suit with straws up your nose. I'm just saying. I'm not the judge over here. But it's like, there's always something, there's always something. And I'm like, if you're not hurting anybody else. You know, man, I'm all I'm all for you. Go rock on with your bad self. 

Cheryl Stuller  52:06 

Now, I think I know how you're going to answer this. But this is another thing that I'm not willing to do. How are you with, So we went on, my husband and I went on a trip with another couple that we didn't realize like to be in the nude a lot. You know, like, oh, let's go to this secluded beach and we'll all get nude and happy what about that. Are you comfortable with that? 

Stasha Boyd  52:33 

Oh, girl, I'm a full on nudist. I go to the nudist resorts. I go to the nude beaches. Yeah, 

Cheryl Stuller  52:38 

I remember that now. I just can't, I can't get there either. I don't know. I just, I'm okay. Like, if it's my husband, of course, but not other people that I don't really know too well, am I gonna do that. 

Stasha Boyd  52:52 

We should we should probably do like a whole a whole show on like, you know, alternative things that and again, because I am an extremely curious person. But um, the way I kind of like discovered that is a whole story in and of itself. And it had to do with body image. And it had to do with like, you know, I'm done with having this, this negative opinion of myself, what is the most extreme thing I can do to get over this? And that was my extreme thing. And I discovered how absolutely fantastic it is for me. I love it. I am a member of several organizations. But the thing is, I've written for A&R, the nudist magazines. Um, it's an absolutely but but it's a very, it is. And it's one of the reasons why I have my my most intolerant thing is people who are intolerant. I'm like, if somebody is minding their business, let them mind their business.  

Cheryl Stuller  53:48 

Yeah, I don't care if other people do it. I'm just saying I don't want to participate in it. 

Stasha Boyd  53:53 

As long as nobody's, you know, dragging you into the beach and like stripping your clothes off. You're fine. You're okay.  

Cheryl Stuller  54:01 

Yeah, I'm gonna let y'all do that. Thank you. And next. 

Stasha Boyd  54:05 

We're gonna, I'm gonna add that to our list of topics. We'll have to talk about it. Okay, here's the weird and the wonderful. What do you think of this?  

Cheryl Stuller  54:13 

Well, the happy ending is that my husband and I realized that we were, we did want to be together. We did not want to divorce or separate any longer. And we learned from being separate how much being together meant to us. So it did have a happy ending for us. And I, it was nice to have the experience of not dating somebody else, but going out to lunch with somebody else, because I had not done that in 32 years. But it made me appreciate what I have. You know, and I think the same for him. So it actually turned out to be a good thing. 

Stasha Boyd  54:53 

Yeah. And I think for me, it's like, I see so many of my friends who whether it was their choice or somebody else's choice That a marriage that they thought was fine. Just wasn't fine. And people always say it's like, you know, oh my god, it's so sad this marriage ended in divorce. And I'm like, Okay, well, you know how many happy marriages end in divorce? None. None. If one person is just that miserable, then that is not a happy marriage. So it's like that that awful, horrible change has to happen. And so when I see somebody trying to come out on the other side of that, and rekindle a life and they want their life to be full and big. I want to do whatever I can to support them. I want to do what I can to say, Yeah, man, I'm happy for you. I'm here for you. At the same time, if I see a friend of mine, or somebody that I truly love, like you say, putting up with some bullshit. For some reason, not standing up for it, I'm like, okay, I feel like I need to kind of step in here. And just for five minutes say do you realize that that's bullshit. And you're putting up with it? Because I want to be a good friend. And man, it's like, I hope everyone finds the circumstances and situations that makes their life full. And I just want the people that I love to be reasonably content and satisfied. Not even happy. I just want to be reasonably content and satisfied. 

Cheryl Stuller  56:12 

Yeah, I agree.  

Stasha Boyd  56:13 

Yeah. All right. Well, what's our what's our next subject?  

Cheryl Stuller  56:18 

Oh, gosh, I always forget our next subject. I'm going to let you take that one away. 

Stasha Boyd  56:23 

Okay. I have to, I have to look it up. But I think our next subject is actually men. Yeah, that can't be right. I'm, uh, I'm pretty sure I've got to have that wrong. I'm gonna look that one up, and we're gonna get back, but I think I think it's men.  

Cheryl Stuller  56:39 

Okay, well, what do I want? What do we want our warrior? See, I'm getting better at that. I have such a hard time with my r's. Warrior queens to take away from our discussion tonight about dating. For you, what do you want them to take away? 

Stasha Boyd  56:55 

I think what I want people what I would like the warrior queens, the women that we know and that we love to take away from it more than anything else is that be who bring your own happiness. It's like, enjoy dating, enjoy meeting people or whatever. But there is no one person who is going to make you happy again, scare quotes around that you're not gonna it's not gonna make you happy again. Be the person that you want in your life, if you want to have if you want to be going out to kayaking, if you want to be in the fitness, if you want to enjoy cooking, if you want to do all those things, bring it yourself. And then if you find someone to share that with awesome, and if you don't, you still have it. 

Cheryl Stuller  57:38 

I agree. And I would say, um, because you just said, Nobody can make you anything, nobody can make you happy, nobody can make you sad, nobody can make you mad. You get to choose how you react to situations that other people put you in and place you in and do things to you. That's all legitimate, how you handle it is on you. You know. So you cannot, you're not going to you shouldn't go out looking for somebody that's going to complete me or make me happy or give you know, that has to come from you first. And that person is an accent to that, in addition to that, if you already have that base, joy, love, confidence about yourself. And somebody else is just an asset to something that you already have for yourself. And don't be afraid to get rid of somebody who is not good for you, whether you are just meeting them, whether you've known them for a while, and their personality is changing because they you know, try to lead you into a direction that they want you to think that they are this person and then you find out they're not. Be willing to stand up for yourself and get out of that situation quickly. 

Stasha Boyd  58:54 

Yeah. And to say, yeah, this this know your worth, this isn't good enough. Not good enough. You know, and know what is good enough. 

Cheryl Stuller  59:03 

And know what is, that's why you write down what you're looking for. And what you bring to the table yourself what you value in yourself. If you, if you look at those two things, and have an idea of what that needs to represent, it kind of keeps you on track. It's not that you're trying to check off all the boxes, because no one person is going to be all those things. But you definitely have a top list of these things I will not compromise on and then don't. Don't compromise on them. 

Stasha Boyd  59:33 

No, because there are a lot of people in this world. Yeah, and there are a lot of people in this world and there are a lot of good people in this world and you can find them. 

Cheryl Stuller  59:41 

You can find them. They're out there. It might take a while but that's okay too. Enjoy the process. And find joy in the present. 

Stasha Boyd  59:51 

And that's what we got. Well, girl, I am just down to my last sip. Right here.  

Cheryl Stuller  59:58 

I'm down to the foamy part.  

Stasha Boyd  1:00:03 

Your alcohol smoothie. Did you add any like protein powder to that or anything?  

Cheryl Stuller  1:00:07 

I didn't this time, no.  

Stasha Boyd  1:00:09 

This time. Oh my God. I wasn't serious but apparently Okay. All right, I didn't know. 

Cheryl Stuller  1:00:14 

It's a thing. It's a thing. 

Stasha Boyd  1:00:17 

Alright girl Well, we will sign off everyone. Thank you all again as always for for checking in and hanging out with us. We really appreciate you. And thank you so much and sweetheart. I will see you later.  

Cheryl Stuller  1:00:28 

All right, bye chica.