Goals: You’ve come a long way but you’re not there yet

Remember when you were in your 20s or 30s? Lifetime goals were a lifetime away. Well guess what, WarriorQueens? You’re now hip deep in midlife (or later) and there are still things you want to do, to achieve, and to be in your 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.

Whatever comes next, there are two ways to get there: Sit around and see how it turns out OR get real about setting goals. 1) Assess where you are, 2) decide where you want to go, and 3) take SMART steps to get there.

In this episode, over a Citrus Sunrise and a Paloma, we take stock on what we still want to accomplish (Cheryl goes to college? Stasha goes to Asia?) AND what we’ve already achieved (Stasha makes changes in her business; Cheryl thinks hard about mothering competent adult kids). So, mix, shake, or pour a glass of your favorite beverage and get ready to get after your goals. 

Transcript

Stasha Boyd  00:02

Hi there, I'm Stasha.

Cheryl Stuller  00:03

I'm Cheryl.

Stasha Boyd  00:04

And between us we

Cheryl Stuller  00:06

have four kids,

Stasha Boyd  00:07

three businesses,

Cheryl Stuller  00:08

two husbands and one goal:

Stasha Boyd  00:10

To get to The Point of the Matter.

Cheryl Stuller  00:11

Goals, that's for younger people. But then when I thought about it more, talked to you about it, it makes sense to do. Even if you're not in the practice of doing it formally. You're always kind of creating goals.

Stasha Boyd  00:33

But when you set your goals, set them for yourself. And don't make them dependent upon other people's approval, input, acquiescensce, finances, anything. Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller  00:52

Hello, Stasha.

Stasha Boyd  00:54

How are you this week? So how's everything going?

Cheryl Stuller  00:57

Everything's going okay. How about with you?

Stasha Boyd  01:00

Well, let me tell ya. I know you saw it on Facebook. But it's been like the week of all sorts of shit going wrong. So, you knew that we have, everybody's been keeping up. We hadn't had any air conditioning in our office where our studios are. So it has been just hotter than hell up here in my office for like the past couple of weeks. Finally got our air conditioning fuse replaced. And now there's a major roof leak in the house. So we're having to have the roofers come out. It's not the kind we can patch anymore. We have to, we have to get the things. So

Cheryl Stuller  01:36

The joys of home ownership.

Stasha Boyd  01:38

The joys of old home ownership, for folks who don't know, my house was built in 1927. So it's a, it's an older home, older homes take special love, special love.

Cheryl Stuller  01:51

Well, and for anybody out there that's thinking about refinancing, now's a really, really good time, the rates are really good. So if you are thinking about it, go ahead and do it. 

Stasha Boyd  02:02

So I take it you just refinanced something, or you're going to refinance something? 

Cheryl Stuller  02:05

Yeah, I'm doing actually both places I'm refinancing to a really, really good rate. And that's gonna save me a lot of month, monthly money and over time, money with the interest. So.

Stasha Boyd  02:21

Yeah, huge thing because right now, it's like, I don't know where you, out where y'all live, but where we live, the prices of purchasing something else are insane.

Cheryl Stuller  02:29

That's how it is here too, and you can't find anything right now. So it's crazy.

Stasha Boyd  02:36

Which is why we don't mind like repairing the roof. And you know, fixing the AC's and all that kind of stuff. Because we love our house. We love our neighborhood. It's a great place. But before we launch into our topic of the day, real quick, we did wrap up, you know, alcohol free August. We're continuing on it somewhat, but not as strict. So I have a paloma. It's a, basically it's back to the tequilas and the grapefruit juices. So it's very tasty. The recipe for it is on the on the website. I mean, on the the Buzzsprout information thing, the show notes. But it's nice because it's tequila with grapefruit, but also with sparkling, with a sparkling water in it like a grapefruit sparkling water. So it's light. It's not so heavy. 

Cheryl Stuller  03:19

Yeah, I saw that. And I kind of went with the same thing, mine's a Citrus Sunrise. And the only thing I substituted out was, I put vodka in mine instead of the cognac or whatever it called for.

Stasha Boyd  03:34

Ciroc.

Cheryl Stuller  03:35

Ciroc.

Stasha Boyd  03:37

I don't even know what ciroc is.

Cheryl Stuller  03:38

I don't know what it is either. Vodka is always a good, good thing to go to.  

Stasha Boyd  03:46

Well then that will be one of our goals, Cheryl. To learn what these, learn what these new things are, we'll figure out what that is and say, Okay, our goal is like learn what the hell some of these alcohols are. Which brings us to our topic, everyone. So our topic today is ladies, is goals. And I'll kind of jump in, one of the reasons why, this one was a, was an important one for me. Mainly because of where I am in life right now. For those of you guys who've been following along a little bit. Again, middle age, always a great time to take stock. But also, um, you know, we had our, we have a small business, my husband and I. Lot of changes due to COVID in our industry. So what we had done before is not really going to work moving forward. So we've got to make a lot of changes there. And we have to decide, okay, do we want to make these changes? Do we want to continue on with it, do we want to go a different direction? So we're really, and I personally am spending a lot of time thinking about, you know, well what are the goals? Have I done what I wanted to do with that business? Do I want to move on? So it's been kind of on my mind, that's why I wanted to talk about it.

Cheryl Stuller  04:52

And I wasn't quite on board with you until I started researching it because I was thinking goals, that's for younger people. But then when I thought about it more, talked to you about it, it makes sense to do. Even if you're not in the practice of doing it formally, you're always kind of creating goals. Like I, you know, I've talked a lot about my fitness journey, and I'm, I'm trying to get better at CrossFit and doing the lifts. That's a goal. So when you think about it, that way, you already have a lot of goals in your life, that you're already doing yet, you may, you may not be thinking about it that way.

Stasha Boyd  05:35

Right. And I think that that's the thing too, about, like younger people, um, I when I was in my late, late 20s, and early 30s, that was when I really kind of discovered the idea of focused goal setting. And, and I've mentioned it before, and we'll talk about it more in this episode, but I found the book, it was given to me or suggested by a friend of mine, called the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And I really embraced that book, it's going to show up a lot in our conversation today. But what I liked about it was, it starts like, really, with the big picture, it's not just about Okay, how do I accomplish a single goal, such as my goal is to you know, get fit, or lose 20 pounds, or run a marathon, or whatever. It's okay, what's your life goal? How, at the end of your, when they you know, close the lid on the box, you will want to have achieved what? And for me, that really changed the direction of my life. I never had somebody teaching me about setting goals and thinking long term, it was just, you know, get up and go to work girl. And that, that was life changing.

Cheryl Stuller  06:43

Absolutely. I mean, I've got a little quote here that I like that about "My goal is to build a life I don't need a vacation from." So when I, when I saw that quote, and I started thinking about it. And all the changes that are happening for me right now. I allowed myself to kind of open up a little bit and go, Well, wait a minute, you know, there's some things that you can do now that maybe you weren't even thinking about doing before. That could be really interesting and fun and challenging to do. So I, I kind of got on board with you. Like I said, as we, as I started looking at it, and I didn't poopoo it as much.

Stasha Boyd  07:28

Well, and I think that's the that's one of the key things. So we're going to talk about a couple of things here first, like the idea of, How do you figure out what that big goal and that big direction is? And then how do you achieve them by breaking them down into like the, what are called SMART goals, the Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Trackable goals. So we'll spend some time on the first part of it, which is like the bigger idea. And and for me going back to like the whole idea of midlife. I look at it, one of the things about like looking at them for younger people, is because the sky's the limit, you know, your 20s and 30s. It's like, Yeah, man, you can do anything. It's like, you know, well what do I want to achieve with my career, my life, my children, you know, what do I, what do I want to do? Well, now you're 50, you're halfway. I mean, you're more than at least halfway there. You don't have the same, you don't have that same span of time anymore. And that's actually one of the things that I kind of want to point this out, that I think is one of the biggest bullshit pieces of advice people give, is age is just a number. It's like, Yeah, but until we actually figure out how to time travel and turn that clock backwards, time only moves forward one direction, and you only get so much of it. So you do reach a point where you have to look at your goals and say, Okay, I have achieved this goal. I am on track for achieving this goal. Or you know what, I can bang my head against the wall for the next 30 years. And this goal is not coming. I need to make a change. And I think at midlife, that is one of the distinctions we have to make about goal setting is we don't just look forward anymore, we look and say, Okay, well, what what do we want? What have we achieved? And do we want to keep doing that? Or is it time to make a change?

Cheryl Stuller  09:15

And I think for a lot of us, women and men too at this point in our lives, I think looking back and saying, what are the regrets that I have of something that I wanted to do that I didn't get done? Either financially, we weren't ready at the time and we couldn't do it or you have kids and then you don't have the time and you're focused on that. I think our focus gets to change now that we're in our 50s. Our kids are grown. You know, we have grandkids but we don't need to be as in their lives as we used to. We can start thinking more about ourselves. And I find that to be a really hard thing to do because you're in that habit of thinking about other people, and what do they need and what do they need to be happy and can I be part of that. And now to kind of think about, well, what do I need? And what do I want to make me happy? And sometimes you go well, I don't even know. Because I'm not, I'm not used to thinking in those terms. So you have to kind of jump over that hurdle. And I think a good way to do that is by looking back. One of the things that I didn't get to do that was too hard early on was finish college. So that's, that's a goal for me, is to look at, you know, that's, that's an empty thing in my life that I wanted to have accomplished that I haven't yet. And I, you know, I'm still young enough that I can do that.

Stasha Boyd  10:41

Absolutely. Well, and I think that's, that's part of it, you know, that that idea of taking stock first. And looking back at things that are, looking at them in two different ways. It's like, so looking back on things that you haven't done that you want to do, but also looking back with a new set of eyes and going well, what have I achieved? So for example, you know, one of the things that, you know, we are dealing with right now is, you know, when we started our company, nearly 20 years ago, I had all sorts of dreams and visions, and things we wanted to accomplish, and all sorts of stuff. And when all of this started kind of breaking down, I was going, Oh my god, I'm never gonna be able to do this, this is never gonna get finished, on and on and on. And part of over the conversations Mike and I have had over the past, you know, six months or so, part of it is me having to realize, like, you know what Stasha, you ran a very successful business. You mentioned the idea of, you know, having a life that you don't need a vacation from, that's what I had, the whole thing was one gigantic vacation, you know, what do we do, we travel around the country, we go to the coolest sites in our nation, we hang out with all the cool kids, we write, I was a writer and a producer. And then we would just and we would do this for three to four months and finish up that project and just go on to the next one, which was more travel and more adventure and more learning and all of that. So I had to kind of reassign my, or realign my mind and say, I accomplished that. You know, the business, the business and the career that we made was, you know, check, done, you know, do I want, and now then the question becomes, like I said, is like, well, do I want to continue pursuing that as its own goal? Or have I achieved everything I wanted with that? And can I now because of that, let it go and make room for something new, or just change it so that it's not the same thing that it was before change it to a new vision? That's really kind of a question that I'm looking at.

Cheryl Stuller  12:37

So let's talk about what a goal is, first of all, so a goal is something that you're planning a future end date that you, an accomplishment that you want to have obtained. And in order to do that, you have to plan it out. Preferably write it down, include the steps that it's going to take to get to it. And then finally check it off as an achieved goal. And we kind of addressed that a little bit when we talked about grit. And that is being able to see something through even through the uncomfortable parts. And at the same time being willing to change it, if what you're doing, like me going back to college, you know, if it turns out that it's too much homework or too much commitment, which is one of the things, I'm afraid of. 

Stasha Boyd  13:28

I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be. You are not going to like your schedule interrupted like that. I'm just saying.

Cheryl Stuller  13:34

So, be, be willing to change how that looks and maybe do something different. But along those same lines as, it could be just getting educated on one thing and just taking a class around it, and not feeling like I have to get my degree. But for right now I want to get my degree. So we'll see how that goes. But so it's it's planning for something. Right? And taking those steps that you talked about that acronym SMART. 

Stasha Boyd  14:05

Well, and getting, before we get into that one, I actually put something in the notes because I always see it as expanded a little bit more. So if a goal is, you know, achievement. You've achieved something, you've completed something, and I wrote, had written something down that was like, you know, it's like, Yeah, but it's achieving what? So for some people, it's actually complete or consistently complete a specific task. There's so many tasks, like for example, some people you know, their task is, you know, they want to consistently have a clean house, or they want to consistent, they want to start a business. It's like there's a beginning, a middle, and an end or it's the same thing happening over and over and over again. Those are both perfectly fine goals. But then they're ones that are like a desired outcome, but the outcome itself might not be guaranteed but it can be worked towards so for example, like you know, you want to increase your wealth or your income or you want to improve your fitness or your your weight or your health level. It's something you can work towards, but there's not there's there is no finite, yeah, I've got this. Unless you've kind of planned that into your goal planning. And then the last one is the one that I think is really an important one, to me. It's a state of being. And this is the one where when you really get into the Seven Habits group, that's what they start with. At the end of your days, when they're closing the lid on the casket, what do you want people to be saying, at your funeral? What do you want people to remember about you? So it's like, if somebody, if at the end of your life, you want people to say, she was a successful person, she had this rich, rewarding family, she was generous with her time, you know, whatever that state of being is, that becomes the big goal. And all of these others, you kind of work backwards towards them. So it's, rather than going from the specific tasks, to the measurable to the grand, you start with your grand, you start with the end. I want to have this be my life, and then Okay, well, what are the pieces that I have to have in order to make that work? And that, you know, and I will get back to that one second in just one second. But that's what I think I tapped into all those years ago, it was the thing that I learned about I wanted to be, I wanted to be a person who was calm. I wanted to be a person who was able to handle adversity. I wanted to be a person who had a focus, who had a happy home life, you know, and so I kind of looked at those as different goals and then set about ways to achieve them. And it worked. It was you know, that's the interesting thing.

Cheryl Stuller  16:34

I wish I had been that self aware back then, um, I got caught up in having kids. And, you know, the day to day of doing that you don't get a lot of time to self reflect. You're trying to make sure your kid is fed, relatively clean, diaper on, that they're getting a good education as it goes up. So that's what I mean about, you know, thinking about it as a 55 year old, how does that look different? And it's almost hard to conceive that, because you've been doing that survival thing for so long. What does it look like to then go, Hey, now, wait a minute, I have some free time, maybe possibly, I have a little bit more money, maybe possibly. What can that look like as how that shapes my goals going forward? It's almost an exciting thing to think about, if you, you know, can dream a little bit and turn it into something.

Stasha Boyd  17:37

And I think that anyone when you find what, you know, for me, I don't, I think it was just I had the right person put the right thing in my path at the right time. You know, that was what it was. 

Cheryl Stuller  17:47

That was life changing for you, that book, you've spoken a lot about it in a lot of different areas.

Stasha Boyd  17:53

And the crisis that, you know, was the precursor of that book. And I think I've talked about this before that, that that the horrible depression that I'd gotten into, and this person was a friend of mine, she's trying to help me. And she's like, A, you're gonna get some therapy, and B, read this book. But, so whatever point you're at, if you are younger, you know, you can look at things and go, Okay, I've got some extra time, I might not have as much money, or I might not have as much time or whatever, day to day. But I have a, hopefully a longer life ahead of me. For those of us in our mid 50s. It's like if this is your starting point, awesome. That's your starting point. If you're, you know, if you've had a little bit of stuff of thoughts about goal setting, like in the previous decades or so, again, that's great. Here's where you are. If this point, like you said, you want to look a little bit backwards, and say, Okay, what were my missed opportunities? And also what were the things that I want to do? And then look forward, go, Okay, what can I realistically do for the next 10, 15, 20, 25, 35 years of my life?

Cheryl Stuller  18:51

And I think that's why I had such a strong reaction in our last episode about advice, when the advice was, okay, now we need to slow down and do gardening and crossword puzzles. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But when you, when you look at that as a 55 year old, are you trying to put me out to pasture? Like, do I not have anything exciting, fun, challenging that I can do going forward? Absolutely. So we don't want to fall into that rut of people telling us, Well, you're 55. What else do you, what else do you have to contribute? Or what else do you have that you can accomplish in your life? Well, guess what? A fucking lot.

Stasha Boyd  19:34

Exactly, and that's, I think I actually wrote this in the notes somewhere about making sure that, you know, whatever your goals are, they're your own. They're not either somebody's telling you that this is what your goals should be, like, Oh, well, you know, you need to be sitting in your rocking chair and relaxing. It's like, well, if that's not what you want to do. You don't have to do that. You can figure out your own thing. Or sometimes though. You, a lot of women, women, especially some men, too. Women especially have a tendency to internalize other people's desires and goals and make them achieving them their own. So for example, you mentioned kids, some people they had, so once they raised the kids, now their new goal is seeing that the kids live the life they want them to have, or the kids still want them to make sure that they are living the life that the kids wants to have. It's like, okay, you kind of there is a time to separate from those adult children. Um, and anybody who's ever experienced a parent who will not let go of parenting? Oh, my God, you will be into your, and I'm not, am I speaking from experience, I'm not gonna say that. But you will end up with a person who is constantly correcting, advising, making recommendations, trying to get you to live their life, not your life, expressing dissatisfaction with the choices that you made. As a parent, at the age and your, your, your those kids are launching, then yeah, I will, I will give this one piece of advice. Then yeah, your job needs to be like, butt out of their life. It's got to be let them launch.

Cheryl Stuller  21:07

And that's, you know, I was a super involved parent. And that was something that I had to work on. I wasn't a helicopter parent. But I also felt guilt that I brought on myself that my kids weren't doing this to me, I did this to myself, I felt guilt about not being right there with them everything that they were doing, you know, and and approving of it or not approving of it, if it wasn't, you know, I needed to let them go to let them be the adults that I raised them to be. And that's part of this mindset that I'm telling you about now that it's really hard for me to start thinking about myself, because I've been so, you know, thinking about other people for so long, and making sure everybody else is okay, I now need to learn and allow myself to do that for myself.

Stasha Boyd  21:57

And I think that's also like, that's that mental, it's a mental habit, as much as anything else. It's like your mind has mentally right. And I don't, I don't want to say you specifically. But you know, some people's minds, they've gotten so into the, into the grain of, you know, I take care of them, I determine this, I tell that, that it's like they don't see that A, you know what, you've succeeded there, you've succeeded, they're fine. They might not be making all the same choices you would make or whatever, but they're fine, or they're going to be fine. They've got all the tools they need. And that's what frees you up to do the next thing. Because if you're putting all that mental energy into something that really that you've done, you're finished, it'd be like me, it's like we talked about the idea of a business. If I keep putting mental and emotional energy, into something that I've finished that I actually have done everything I wanted to do with, then I don't have any room to do something new. And now I'd be trying to recreate something that may not be coming back? So it is important, I think, to look back to look at the when you're doing that look back to not just look at Okay, what did I miss? But what have I already accomplished? And actually, that was one of the things somebody talked about, how do you find these, how do you know what these things are? One of the things in the Seven Habits book, or in one of his worksheets, I don't remember where it was. But one thing he recommended was to make a list and just write down you know, if you were going to do an outline for your own obituary, or your eulogy, what are the things you wanted to make sure that people mentioned, you know, it's like, and just write those things down what's really important to you, and then go through it. And my corollary is, now and he didn't write this down, because again, he's talking to younger people, but I had I wrote down, underline the ones that you've either accomplished, or on your way to accomplishing it. So let's say you're a parent with teenagers and you know, you want to be known as a person who raised you know, productive, healthy children. While they're pretty productive, they're kind of healthy and they're getting there. Or my kids are a mess. I can't put that one down yet. My kids are either going to jail, or they're going to be in therapy forever. I need to I need to work a little longer on this one. But if it's if it's almost done, underline it, and then look at the list and go, Okay, well, what are the top five, that I really want? That are really the most important? Circle those, and then the ones that are circled but not underlined, that's where you put your, your next energy. You don't let the ones that are underlined go. But you let the you focus on the ones because it was just underlined, you're done. You can you can move on, check it off, that gets checked off on your list.

Cheryl Stuller  24:32

It takes up your mental space that you don't need to be taking up at this point.

Stasha Boyd  24:37

Yeah, and all that other stuff. Either see if they kind of fall under one of your other big important ones, but if they don't, they're distractions. They're not real life goals.

Cheryl Stuller  24:49

So what are some goals that you have as a 50 plus year old woman now, what what do you want to have accomplished by the end of your days that you haven't already?

Stasha Boyd  25:00

I think there's one that you know, and then part of this is a little bit of the COVID Fallout, we accomplished a level of financial stability. That was important. You know, for me, I one of the things that I always wanted to get to be was financially independent, financially stable. We have made it probably within 5% of being financially independent, at this point forward mostly. So in other words, what that means for us is, is that if we did not, we could literally retire today, we could retire and go, okay, with the the money, the interest and the income that we have from that for some of the other passive income that we have going. As we move through, you know, life etc, we do not have to go out and build another business to continue living the basic lifestyle we have. But part of what I wanted for, you know, my end was to be a much more, a broader world traveler. I want to see, I want to be, I want to go to at least six of the seven continents. I don't know if I want to go to Antarctica, because it's too fucking cold. I don't like to be cold. But everywhere else I want to go. But right now, yeah, we can manage that. But we don't have the the level to be able to afford that kind of travel with it, we can maintain what we have, but to have that kind of adventure. So that's the next goal. Or one of the goals like you know, and that one is very important to me, not just because I want to see things, but because I believe in my soul of souls that travel and meeting other people breaks down barriers, it, you understand other cultures, you get to see that people all over the world, their similarities or differences. It's important to me, I don't want to be one of these people who spent most of their life in one country, let alone one state, which is why I mean, I know a lot of people who just, they won't go any farther north than Georgia. It's like, why? There are wonderful things in other parts of the state, let alone the country. I mean, the world. So that's one, what about you?

Cheryl Stuller  27:12

So that one is also one of mine, that's a huge thing. I haven't even been out west yet. I've not been further than Texas. So I want to go out west and see the you know, Mount Rushmore and Yellowstone and the huge trees and all of that. But, but more immediately, I've always had, you know, I've always had my husband and my children and my best friends, I've never really had to do anything by myself. I want to, a personal goal of mine is to learn how to put myself out there on my own without somebody being there with me, you know, like, go to a comedy event by yourself or go out to eat and meet new people, you know, just joining different groups with different interests and trying to get my, my perspective with different people out there more, you know, just meeting different people. I mean, that's a scary thing for me. So that's like an immediate goal.

Stasha Boyd  28:19

I love that goal. Because one of the things about that goal, it's being able to interact as just you, you're not showing up as somebody's wife or the somebody that's with the business or somebody's mom or something of that nature, you show up as just you and all of your actions and interactions are just you. And even going back to that whole thing with what the business and our travel. I learned to travel by myself, to go out to dinner by myself. Um, I learned before that again, going back to my my Seven Habits book. Here's a weird one. There was a time when I wouldn't go to a movie by myself. And then at one point, I realized, and this is of course back in like the 80s and 90s mostly 90s I'm like well there are movies that I want to see and I can't Why can't I go to a movie by myself? I remember the first time I went to move by myself. And I was so I felt so awkward. I felt like oh my god people are gonna say who's that poor girl she can't get a date whatever. Um, but it was such a no big deal. You know, once you get used to it, but there are people today that can't that cannot cannot dine out at a restaurant by themselves, cannot go to a movie or some other outing by themselves, will not join up for an event or a class or something like that by themselves.

Cheryl Stuller  29:34

See, I can do the movie and the dinner because you're not having to talk to other people. My thing is putting myself out there, letting people know me and interacting with other people without my husband or my best friend or somebody there with me supporting me. That's a scary thing for me. So that's, that tells me because it's scary that I need to work on that. And in order to work on that, I'm gonna have to put myself out there in those situations where I have to actually meet up with people and talk to them. You know?

Stasha Boyd  30:10

Have you got anything in mind that you're planning, in addition to going to school, because school will do that, you know, you'll be going to class. 

Cheryl Stuller  30:16

Yep. Um, so there's an app that you can join, it's called Meetup, I, we talked about this before. Um, so you join those different interests that you have, like hiking, mine is hiking, and motorcycle riding, things like that, and you actually go and meet up with new people. And the commonality is that you are all interested in that one event. So that's, that's a good speaking point right there. And then you can kind of go from there, you know, getting to know people. 

Stasha Boyd  30:53

I need to find this app and sign up for it, I mean, obviously, there's the the COVID, you know, changes for things. But at this point, I really, I need to go out and like just see people and do things. But I think I think it's a good one. 

Cheryl Stuller  31:06

You're good at that, actually, you can you can enter a room and talk to anybody. That is not my strong suit. If I have a purpose to be there, I'm fine. Or if I'm teaching a class, I'm fine. But if I'm just kind of don't have a purpose, and I don't know anybody. That's that's a really hard transition for me. So that's something I'm going to work on.

Stasha Boyd  31:29

And I will tell you that one grew straight out of Up With People, you know, you just you learn how to walk into any room and talk to anybody for any reason. Now part of it is, there is a kind of a personality thing, too. I know that there are some things that are easier for me than they are for somebody else who would set that goal. As there are things that are easier for somebody else, than they would be for me, you know, I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves that just because it's, it's harder for you, doesn't mean that is not an achievable goal. And your result might not look like somebody else's, it might never be the situation where you're able to, like go into the middle of a room and go WEE you know, look at me, I'm the center of attention. But it might get to a point where like you said you can walk in and be you and establish that as your goal.

Cheryl Stuller  32:14

And, and who am I, you know, you change over time when you're not having to be the hands on mom. Or you're not having to be the hands on business owner, you're put in a different situation in your life, and you kind of have to figure out, well, who am I without those things?

Stasha Boyd  32:34

Yeah. Who do you want to be because that's another thing from the book, it says, the number one goal is to be proactive. And the word is so overused now, because it's been really embraced. But essentially what it means is to decide what you want to experience and then set about to do that, rather than waiting for the experience to come to you or waiting for something to happen. You say you know, okay, I want to be able to walk into a room with confidence and can talk to anybody. And then you get and then it goes back those smart actionable goal things. So okay, what can I do, what can I do that's specific? I can join, I can sign up for a college class. I can so smart, measurable, I will be able to measure it. Because I will know if I actually show up at class. Attainable, I can set the time aside, I can actually do this. I have the money for classes, I have the time I'm going to do it. Relevant, it's rewarding. It's moving me towards another goal. And then time bound, the class has an ending point. You know, and I think that's true of everything. It's harder sometimes I think when you start looking at the, okay, I want to be a world traveler.

Cheryl Stuller  33:49

That's really vague, and how do you get to that point?

Stasha Boyd  33:52

And again, at that point, like, I think you have it in your notes somewhere, about you have to break it down into pieces, like, okay, I want to be a world traveler. Well, is there someplace close by that I haven't been to yet? How much money do I have? How much time do I have? Okay, I can't get to Asia within the next 18 months. But why, could I go to Belize? Could I go to Nicaragua? Can I go to Costa Rica? You know, you look at and you pick something and you say okay, that will be my goal. Or maybe it's a, you know, for me, I think there's always something that you're like, Okay, I can get a broad thing and I can find something that moves me closer. That's actually another thing about about goals that I've mentioned, my girl Corinne Crabtree before in the the fit and fat thing. She talks about like the small small things maybe like 1%. What can I do to just get a little bit closer to that goal? What can I do to if I if my goal is to be fitness is to be fit. You're not going to go from Big Macs to broccoli overnight. But you know what, maybe I can go from Big Macs to not having the fries and an iced tea. And then tomorrow, it could be like, okay, Whopper Jr, to iced tea, or whatever to make these small steps that move you towards something, rather than making a big lofty goal. And then getting mad two weeks from now when it hasn't come through yet.

Cheryl Stuller  35:17

Right? Right. And that that's one of the things that they talked about in this article that I was reading, was be willing to give yourself a pass, if it's not turning out the way you want, be able to change it, or be able to say, Okay, I went ahead and had the big mac today. But tomorrow, my goal is to go back to that original goal not to have it. Don't just quit, you know, I had a I had a big mac, or I didn't exercise today, or I didn't go as far as I wanted to. So now I'm done. I'm just gonna quit. You know, be forgiving of yourself and be willing to, like you said, make it attainable be realistic about what the goal is, especially if it has to do with quitting a habit or starting a new habit. Like fitness, or you're, you're gonna quit smoking or whatever it is, make sure you're realistic about what those increment goals are, that will eventually get you there. And a lot of times you can talk to somebody like Corinne Crabtree, or somebody who has quit smoking before, whatever it is that your thing is talk to somebody and say, okay, be real with me. How much time is this going to take? And how should I approach it?

Stasha Boyd  36:34

Right. And some things are a lifetime. You know, like, for me, it's like, I never want to be the person who says I just gave up on trying to be as fit and healthy as I could be. You know, my mother in law, bless this woman's heart. She is 91 years old. And she's got arthritic knees and all but she has her routine, she has her exercises, she does her cook, she does her laundry, she does everything that she wants to do. And she's still committed to for the rest of her days, doing everything that she can do. She's always been that way. And I look at that as kind of a that that is a goal. That's a never ending. I look at her, Grandaddy was the same way. I mean, he, he did, he was shellin' pecans up until three days before he died, you know, that was his thing. He did that for his work. Um, I think that's something that becomes like a lifetime, a state of being, I want to be a person who is productive. You know, as opposed to saying, I want to produce something every week. I don't know. Maybe that's, that's for me. It's like I do, I do think in terms of states of being sometimes rather than specifics. And for me specifics help. And then there's something else about I think it was in your notes somewhere about the power of writing something down?

Cheryl Stuller  37:50

Yes, that's actually the first step is to write it down, even if it's just the end goal. And you don't have quite those increments yet, because you need to investigate those, write it down. And I have a journal book, that I write things down in that, you know, I want to keep close to me, and I want to keep in in my line of sight, you know, to remind me of it. I think that's an important thing. And it makes it more real, it then becomes a tangible, it's not a thought anymore. You've written it down. And now what are you going to do to get to that goal.

Stasha Boyd  38:28

Right. Well, it's the things that start as a thought becomes something you write down, and then you tell people about it, it becomes the word, and then it becomes the action. So I think there there is this train of getting something from being a thought to being written down to being spoken aloud to others. And then to kind of keep moving that along. I think sometimes we just keep saying, Well, I have this idea, I don't want to tell anybody, because I don't want them to be disappointed. And it's like, then you're missing it, then you're missing something. Because you then you don't really want it if you're just keeping it in your head, you're not serious. If you write it down, okay, that's starting to take some shape. And you can now look at it and you go back and you can revise it. That's also again, one of the powerful things in Seven Habits is that he talks about a personal mission statement. And he's like, you know, okay, what do you want to do? What is what is your life goal? What is the thing you're trying to achieve? And you don't write it down in one sitting you spend weeks months kind of saying, Okay, what practice and you write it down, you revise it, you think about it, you come back to it, and just keep writing and writing until you look at that thing and say yeah, man, that's that's that's what I want. I want in one or two sentences if that's all somebody said as they were closing my box, I'd be cool.

Cheryl Stuller  39:39

And I think it also comes down to also looking at yourself and saying, Why am I, am I motivated to do this? Number one, can I achieve this? And why am I motivated to do it? You know, what, what, what is it behind this thought process that you want to get this done. If it's something like smoking, it may be your health, if it's something like world travel, it might be, like you said, to expand your mind get to see other cultures the way other people live. So I think it's also important as you're writing down how you're going to get to it, what that looks like for you as to why you want to do it too. And that might increase your motivation, you know, you want to make sure that you're excited about it, and that you're gonna stick with it. And, and, you know, you want to have you want to know why you want to do it.

Stasha Boyd  40:31

And I think I've mentioned this one thing before, um, you know, back at when my, in my marriage, you know, Mike and I, at one point, like, you know, a bunch of years ago, I wrote down a little short story, very short, like maybe a page or two. But basically, it describes us sitting in, we're actually we're in a convertible, and we're driving on the Pacific Coast Highway, and we're reminiscing about, you know, and we're older, we're in our older this point. And we're reminiscing about our life. And I just wrote this down. And, and we've called it before we talk about, you know, getting to the rocking chairs, you know, we have this vision, and it has been written down. And it is something to work towards all the time. That's one that's very hard to get too specific about. It's like, Okay, well, what are we going to do? But as long as you always have that, you know, what they call the end in mind, if you have, if you begin with the end in mind, you know, where you're trying to go? Like you say the Why? then whatever you do, you can kind of ask yourself, okay, is this moving me closer to or further from that goal? So you don't have to have, everything doesn't always have to be specific and measurable. Sometimes it can just be okay, I know that this is the direction that I'm going in. Is this getting me closer to it or further from it? And that, I think sometimes simplifies things.

Cheryl Stuller  41:44

And especially when you're dealing with a marriage, you know, that's a good conversation starter, when you're not agreeing on something, you can say, Now, wait a minute, is this getting us closer to that goal? Or is it getting us farther away? And let's look at this conversation around that framing.

Stasha Boyd  42:01

And that's also a good way to figure out like, do you share the same goal, we talked about that this last week, a little bit with values and how it's like, that's kind of an underlying thing. If you don't have the same goal for how it's supposed to look at the end, then you're not pulling in the same direction. That's true anytime you're dealing with something that's that's outside of yourself, when you're when you're partnering with another person, goal setting for inside yourself. And I think that's this is probably more about what this this episode is about is goal setting for yourself. And for me, it's like getting that big picture first, that end in mind, how's this, how's it going to end, what do I really want, then taking the little things to say, Okay, I can set this SMART goal process to get to that thing. And then your favorite thing is have the grit to follow through.

Cheryl Stuller  42:51

And I would also say, be careful of who you share your goals with, just like in your life with your relationships, make sure that who you tell this goal about is going to be a positive influence for you towards that, you know, if you're if you're trying to quit smoking, I know I keep going back to that. But that's like a lot of people try to do that. If you're going to tell somebody, that's your goal, and then they see you smoking behind the building, and they make you feel bad about that. You know, they're they're not supportive in that. Then that might derail you enough right there. So I would also say, you know, make sure you've got a good support system around you when you're wanting to do things like that.

Stasha Boyd  43:37

Yeah, the people who don't believe in you or don't think you can do it or don't think it's worthy. The mockers. We've talked, and we'll talk about this in another episode, we start talking about friends, I think. There are people in this world who are not your friend, and they seem to think that they are. Or they act like, or they kind of act like, or you think that they are. But when you really kind of like look at what they actually do every day? Are they the person who, did they help you achieve your goals? Do they make fun of you? Now, everybody in the world does not have to be on Team Stasha in order for me to achieve my goals. I don't need anybody to do that. Even like when we come, Mike and I've talked about this, cause for the longest time. If I went on a diet, Mike had to go on a diet, because he's got to support me. Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're eating that ice cream in front of me. How come you can't support me? Or why can't, why you're saying we want to get pizza? Why can't you support me? And it's like, no, Mike gets to do whatever Mike wants to do. I have to decide. It's like, he gets to eat ice cream if he wants ice cream. I don't have to trigger on that.  If he wants pizza and I don't want pizza, then we'll figure something else out. Or we'll figure out how I can have a slice of pizza or I will figure out if I can have a slice of pizza. None of it is his fault. This and I would say that's probably a big thing about goals. You definitely want to keep other people in mind. But when you set your goals, set them for yourself. And don't make them dependent upon other people's approval, input, acquiescence, finances, anything. Unless it's like I said, unless it's a marriage. Unless it's a family member or a child or somebody that is truly dependent upon you. That's different. But everything else, especially in midlife ladies, now's the time. Now's the time.

Cheryl Stuller  45:24

Give yourself permission to start thinking about yourself. I know for me, that's really, really hard. I struggle with that, I struggle with making sure everybody else is okay. And then a lot of times, I'm not okay. You know, so you have to think about that, too.

Stasha Boyd  45:41

Yeah, absolutely. I think we are close to the wrapping up portion of this one. So if people were to walk away, Cheryl, with one thing from you about goals, what would you like them to think about?

Cheryl Stuller  45:52

Well, going back to that advice episode that we had, I think a lot of times people tell us what we should and shouldn't be doing. Whether we're because it's we're we're a woman, whether it's because it's our age, whether it's because it's our physical appearance. Um, I like what you said about do it for yourself. And, and it kind of goes back to that grit thing too, do it for yourself and be willing to stick it out for yourself, because you love yourself enough that this is what you want to achieve for yourself.  And be able to stick to it and have have people in your life that can support you in that.

Stasha Boyd  46:31

Yeah. And and I would say that, for me, it's the it's like, let your goals be big. Let, think about the, think about the big things, think about the way you know, the the things that matter the most to you, think of it in terms of relationships, you know, it's like, what are my goals as a wife? What are my goals as a business owner? What are my goals as a, as a daughter as what are the things that I want to achieve in those relationships? And then think about, okay, this is my big picture, this is where I want to end up, this is the end in mind, and then say, Okay, what steps can I take today, and next week, and a year from now and five years from now, that will move me closer to that. It doesn't always have to be done today. But it should, for me moving closer to it is incredibly valuable. And one one other thing is to also say, when you look back, because we get to do that since we are you know, we're in our mid 50s. And we have and we do have a body of work and a lifetime behind us. Look back and go Okay, what do I need? What can I let go of? What have I accomplished? And what do I still want to do? What can I tweak? What can I, what can I pick up and move forward? And do it because you want to. Not because you feel, like you said, guilty or pressured or shamed or anything of that nature. Do it because this is the one life you get. That's it.

Cheryl Stuller  47:58

And I want to add one thing, I think why goals are important is because when you have change coming up in your life, or you feel like you don't have a direction, or you don't feel motivated, a goal can give you that perspective and can give you that drive and can give you that focus, that you might need in your life. And I think it kind of keeps us grounded and working towards something is a positive thing. You know, whether it's getting rid of something negative, or it's working towards something positive, it gives you a focus. And I think we as humans need that focus. And we need a sense of purpose. And a goal can equal that for you.

Stasha Boyd  48:42

And don't wait for the motivation to happen before you take the action or take the steps. It's like take the step, whether you're motivated or not. It's like if you've set your plan in place, if you've written down your SMART goals, your steps, your measurable, you're time bound, if you've done that, I don't care if you feel like doing it this morning, get up and do it. And when you do that today, and you do it again tomorrow, and the next day, you will start to feel motivation. Motivation comes from getting, accomplishing things. And if you do what you say you're going to do, if you do what you promised yourself, you're going to do, you will feel motivation.

Cheryl Stuller  49:15

And you will feel confidence and love in yourself that you're doing, you know for yourself.

Stasha Boyd  49:21

Absolutely. Well, I think we got this one. Cheryl, I think that's I think we're good for goals. So we're going to bring up what we're talking about next time because we're going to, we're going to go, we have been doing some serious topics lately. We are going to go completely the opposite direction. What are we working on next week?

Cheryl Stuller  49:34

We are going to talk about life hacks. How to make life easier. And what are some things that I think we find out from other people or reading that we think other people should know about?

Stasha Boyd  49:46

I agree with that. I also think because there are certain things that it's not just that we think we're good at, but our friends tell us we're good at. It's like, you know, Stasha you are so good at that, there are things that you are good at. And it's like okay, well here How do I do that? How do I get that done? I will also be thinking about some of my friends who have things that they are really good at and say okay, and here's, I've watched them do this over and over again, this works.

Cheryl Stuller  50:09

How do you, how do you get, accomplish that? How do you do that? Share your great knowledge.

Stasha Boyd  50:16

Absolutely. Well, that's what I got this week. I hope everybody had a good time. We hope this was a great, I really enjoyed the topic of goals. Like I said, everybody, I'm a little bit in between my goals, but I am, I am looking forward to diving back in and I am going to reread my Seven Habits book.

Cheryl Stuller  50:36

Well, we had a great episode. Thank you, everybody, for listening. We hope you got something out of this and we hope you all have a wonderful week. 

Stasha Boyd  50:43

Talk to you later. Bye. 

Cheryl Stuller  50:45

Bye.