The Point of the Matter
The Point of the Matter
Holiday Etiquette: It ain't that freakin' hard
Have you ever sat at a 4-way stop with folks who can't figure out who goes next? Have you played a game with someone who doesn't, or worse, won't learn the rules? Have you witnessed the chaos and rage that happens when people didn't know, or refuse to follow, the simple rules of standing in line to check out at a store or enter a concert venue?
Maddening madness. Anarchy. Mayhem.
All of which is avoided when everyone knows the rules and follows them.
And that's all etiquette is, folks. A simple, agreed-upon set of rules and guidelines that keep everyone on an even keel, knowing what to do and when.
"But, but don't these rules make the stressful holiday season harder?" No, the same way the rules of 4-way stops and roundabouts make them better than everyone just deciding when they want to go makes driving harder.
"Why can't I just do what I want?!" Because other people exist, that's why. Because they have to plan too. It's the same reason you don't get to make up all the rules for Monopoly while you're playing the game. Some rules may make it harder, but all the players know what they are.
Knowing holiday etiquette makes your life easier, not harder. Following holiday etiquette makes other people's lives easier, not harder. It adds peace to what can be a chaotic time of year.
And isn't that part of what the season of love, joy, and giving is all about? Give the gift of peace, both to yourself and to everyone else.
Hi there. I'm Stasha.
Cheryl Stuller:I'm Cheryl.
Stasha Boyd:And between us we have
Cheryl Stuller:four kids,
Stasha Boyd:three businesses,
Cheryl Stuller:two husbands and one goal:
Stasha Boyd:to get to The Point of the Matter. Etiquette makes your life easier, not harder. It's not about remembering rules. It's about having decisions pre-made. So you don't have to sit there and wear yourself out wondering what you're going to do every time.
Cheryl Stuller:Anyway, I took a friend home and she, because she couldn't drive. And she, she's, I'm feeling sick. I'm feeling sick. And I'm like, roll down the window, roll down the window. And then she goes, I'm feeling really sick. And I said, Get your ass out that window, stick your head out that window do not throw up in this Cadillac.
Stasha Boyd:Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl Stuller:Hello, Stasha. How are you?
Stasha Boyd:Fabulous. It has been a lovely week. Overall, I have to say, how about you what you've been up to?
Cheryl Stuller:Well, I went and visited my mom in Tampa this weekend, and-
Stasha Boyd:How's she doing?
Cheryl Stuller:Just to see how she was doing and she's in an assisted living now and I just got a message from my brother saying they just took her to the hospital because her oxygen levels are low. And she had told me that this weekend and she had an appointment in December to go to see a cardiologist but I guess, I guess it didn't, she wasn't doing well today. So they went ahead and took her. So I'm on standby for some news about that.
Stasha Boyd:Okay, well, and sometimes it's like once those oxygen levels start dropping, that's when you see the folks with the little oxygen pieces around. And I got to turn this thing off too, because this stupid thing is what's making this little dingy dings. Dang it, go away. Alright, so I always think I have everything off and that and I just I always miss something. Oh, well. We had a pretty nice week last week. And actually had a lovely time. My beverage this evening is sangria. Because we had our my book club was over on Thursday night, I hosted at my house this time, because the book was something that I knew and I know the author of this book, and so she was able to join us and so I'm gonna take a second and plug her book for ready. It's called My Dear Boy. The author is Joanie Holzer Schirm. And it's the story of her parents, and especially her father's escape from Czechoslovakia in 1939. And his after he left Czechoslovakia, and the war, what happened to him because he end up having to go to China first, and that's where he met her mother, who was a missionary that had been born in China to episcopalian parents, or Presbyterian parents. Then they ended all the convoluted things that had to go on. And the way the story is told is because she found after her parents passed away within two days of one another. So a few years back, she and her brother and sister found this whole box of letters between her father and his family and father and friends. There were 400 different letters out to I think it was like 74 individuals written in Czech and English and Chinese and all these different languages. And they used those letters to put together the story of what had happened. And it's an amazing book. So um, I highly recommend that everybody, My Dear Boy, Joanie Holzer Schirm, she also wrote Adventures Against Their Will, which I happen to have a copy of right here. And she's got a new one coming out called Steadfast Ink. So for ladies who like the book clubs, I gotta tell ya, that was a great one.
Cheryl Stuller:That sounds like a really good one. I would be interested in that one. I'm going to check that one out. Thanks for sharing that.
Stasha Boyd:Sure. So we are going oh, what was your beverage tonight?
Cheryl Stuller:So mine is a White Christmas Margarita. And the recipe I put on the show notes is for a blender. It's for a, you know, several drinks.
Stasha Boyd:Ah, oh, it's made unsweetened coconut milk?
Cheryl Stuller:Mm hmm. Try that one for the holidays and make a pitcher of it. And you can just pour from it.
Stasha Boyd:Okay. Well, and speaking of that's the thing that our next, or these are gonna be dropping in December so we're gonna be doing a lot more of our holiday topics, etc. And we'll be wrapping up at some point near the end with a lessons learned from 2021. So we're trying to have like a holiday themed beverage every time I think, that'd be a fun, fun thing to do. Um, but tonight, we're talking about holiday etiquette. We're moving into the holidays. So we've got kind of like two versions going here. And one of the ones we want to start with is basically the etiquette of being a good host. You know, if you like to host parties and gatherings, so Cheryl, kick us off?
Cheryl Stuller:Well, so I don't, I don't, we don't wear shoes in the house. So that's one thing. If you are going to host a party, I think it's really important to let guests know that ahead of time. So I always send out a little blurb about Hey, just so you know, we don't Your shoes inside. So bring house slippers or comfortable socks, whatever. And then I make sure I have a place for them to sit and take their shoes off before they come in. And I think just especially right now, I've always done this my whole life because I grew up on a farm, you just didn't wear shoes inside because you were stepping in manure and everything else outside. So it's such a habit, but I think with COVID It's a good practice to get into as well. Okay, so I just you know, if that's your thing, just make sure you're telling your guests that's one thing.
Stasha Boyd:Well actually, do you have a, have you ever heard of the Japanese term uh, getabako?
Cheryl Stuller:No.
Stasha Boyd:A getabako is the little thing they put by the doors of their homes, so that when people come in, you take your shoes off and you put them in the getabako. And a lot of times they'll keep slippers in there for their guests. So ah, they just take them off. And they might have like a collection of slippers in a basket or something. So if somebody comes over, they'll have something to put on. Or you can like keep like little footy booties or you know, like little get inexpensive socks or something from Walmart, a whole basket of those and put those in there. But it's a really fun thing to have.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah, that's a great idea too, to provide something. Yeah.
Stasha Boyd:Especially if you're like standing thing. Now again, if you don't have a lot of guests coming over, maybe not. We have a lot. But we're a little bit more lax on our shoes on shoes off policy. Good one. But I love your list. I like like number one, when you're on your discussion, the notes you'd put in here for being a good hostess. And I cannot agree with this one more, is act like a host and not the guest.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah, it's easy to get caught up with a girlfriend or a friend that you haven't seen in a while. And you're specifically talking to them and leaving other people out. You know, there's a time and a place for that maybe later on in the party. But you should definitely go. First of all, you should be the one to greet guests at the door. Don't let them just come in. And nobody's there to say hi, or let another guest greet them, I think you should be the one to greet them. And then kind of bring them in and show them the layout like here's the food, here's the drinks, here's where we're going to eat. And oh, by the way, have you met Sam, Sam is a blah, blah, blah, and he does blah, blah, blah. And then you're kind of introducing people that don't know each other. So they can be talking. And you know, meeting new people while you're getting the food out or mixing the drinks, whatever it is you have to do.
Stasha Boyd:And I would just say on that one, it's like, it does depend on a little bit on the difference of the party. So it's like if I if I'm throwing a big huge party with a lot of people coming and going absolutely. And what Mike and I do is we have a tendency to kind of divide and conquer, because I'm going to be in the kitchen kind of running things in there. And Mike will be the person who's kind of like, you know, bringing the guests in, making sure they know where to put things, etc. The smaller, and for that reason, because it can be very hard to enjoy your guests when you're being a host. And both of us like to, we'll keep our party invitations a lot smaller. And there are folks who kind of get, you know, Hey why wasn't I invited? I'm like, Well, you might be on the next one if you quit questioning my judgment about how I throw parties at my house. But it's like, because we want enjoy the party too. So sometimes if you're that kind of a person that you know, you really, really want to have deep conversations with people all the time, and you don't like throwing a big soiree, then FFS. Don't throw a big soiree, throw a party that suits your personality that you're going to enjoy. Because if you put that much time, energy and effort into a gigantic party, and then you don't enjoy it, it shows.
Cheryl Stuller:It shows. Yeah, so what's your magic number for that?
Stasha Boyd:We have basically several party types. So party type number one, which is like, the larger party, which is kinda like the general invite party, those are usually around 40 or 45 or 50 people, it's usually open house, people come and go. And it's going to be a either heavy hors d'oeuvres or regular hors d'oeuvres snacky kind of stuff, I'm not going to put out a lot of food, we'll have a bar somewhere that's gonna be pretty self serve. Our next level down is going to be like the small party invitation that might be 15 to 16 people. Somewhere in that that neighborhood might be a little bit more involved in the cooking. But we kind of know who's coming and going, it's not a Hey, bring a friend party. Our optimum, our favorite party is the dinner party. And that's going to be anywhere from like eight to 12 people. And quite frankly, it's limited because that's the number of plates I have. And that's about how many people you know because if it's if it's and we'll end up with, if I invite 12 will usually end up with 10. That's eight people divided between Mike and I, we have plenty of opportunity to really talk to everybody.
Cheryl Stuller:And you've got to have a comfortable place to have everybody sit and be able to eat too, otherwise I'm, for me, my house 12 is a good number. Anything over that we're gonna meet somewhere else because I think it's just too hard. It's too hard for me otherwise. So I think to be able to have fun, and not have all of the host duties, I would rather take it to a venue or a restaurant or something like that.
Stasha Boyd:Exactly. But I do like that I do think that's a very good idea. What were some of the other things on the being the good hostess? What's your favorite thing about being a hostess or host for a party?
Cheryl Stuller:I think just making sure that everybody feels like they are important and taken care of. And it's a night out for them where they don't have to cook or think about anything. And then we are together as a group and get to visit and see each other. It's like you're treating them special.
Stasha Boyd:And what we do is like, our favorite throughout the year, especially when we're doing our dinner parties, is we try and match people, we try and go okay, like we did one party one time that was like, you know, business owners in our town. So everybody had that in common, or we'll do some where we'll say, okay, this couple and that couple don't know each other. But we know that both of the husbands are either golfers or hunters, or both of the the wives might work or the wife and the husband, some two people might be interested in one thing, and we think they'll get along. And then there are times when we might have two couples that we really like both of them. But we know that them together will be like oil and vinegar, either them sometimes it's like both of them will have one member of the couple that's going to compete to be the life of the party. And I would rarely invite those two people to the
Cheryl Stuller:And I would add into that, um, people that drink same dinner party. similarly, you know, like, if you've got somebody who you know, is always going to overindulge. I kind of leave them out of those small intimate parties. Because it's very noticeable.
Stasha Boyd:Of course, that's usually me, I have to go go to my room.
Cheryl Stuller:As the host, I don't think so. That's not a story.
Stasha Boyd:That's not a true story. I just made that up. Um, but no, but that is true. It's like, you know, if you have somebody that you know, is like an absolute non not really a drinker much at all, and you've got three or four of the people that you know, can put back two bottles of wine each, you know, then that's not a good mix, you know, and I think that is an important thing. Of course, there are some parties as a host that you don't really get to choose the personalities, you might be hosting the office dinner party or office Christmas party, or you might be hosting a family gathering or something of that nature or if you belong to a civic group or community group, and the people are coming, you don't really get to choose the guest list. In those cases, one of the ones that are I think that are there are really good as like activities or games that people can participate can like be a great icebreaker. I think when you have a group of people where they don't know each other, having some kind of an icebreaker event can be perfect. And I we did one one time at a party and it was um, the you put like a historic person's name on a piece of card on the back and get it would get stuck to the back of your shirt. And you would have to go in and find out you know, you have to ask people things ask questions. Well, is it this person? Are they historic, are the current? And so they had to talk to people to find out what theirs were. And that was a fun game.
Cheryl Stuller:That's a great idea. We, um, we have an office Christmas party every year where you bring their spouse. So that's about 26 people. And it's always very time oriented. So we get there have cocktails have a few minutes to talk. And then boom, dinner is served. And then after dinner, we exchange gifts and do the whole, you know, take the gifts thing was that called?
Stasha Boyd:White elephant, white elephant gift exchange.
Cheryl Stuller:We do the white elephant thing. And these are all gifts that we have purchased. They don't have to do anything. It's kind of it kind of goes back to that we want them to feel special and have the night off and have a really good time. And then after that we have one game that we all have to do together and then we're done. Yeah, we'll actually talk afterwards.
Stasha Boyd:And do you guys do that at your home or do you do that at a venue?
Cheryl Stuller:We have that at a venue and then we have it catered so I don't have to worry about the food. I just decorate make sure all the gifts are there and wrapped and have a you know game yet everybody can play have that set up and then the alcohol. That's it.
Stasha Boyd:Well and actually that that reminds me cause one of the ones that's on my list later. That's that's an important one for me because it drives me absolutely bonkers. Now again, I haven't we have people that work for us. We've never really had a lot of employees because we have, we work with contractors and freelancers a lot. So fortunately our people really rarely do this. But folks, ladies, honestly if you work in if you work in an employee place, you do not have to get your boss a gift. I don't know who made up that bullshit rule, but you do not. Gifts go down the chain, they don't go up the chain. If you really want to get your boss or your owner a little bit of a gift because you personally want to give them something, knock yourself out, if you feel obligated to get them something or obligated to add money into the company pool. You don't have to do that. And again, and I just I think that that's really a strange thing that people started doing. And what are your thoughts on that? Do your employees get you guys gifts?
Cheryl Stuller:They've only gotten us a gift one time that they did that they did together. It was just a day at the spa kind of thing. But otherwise, no, we don't want that. And they did that without, they know how we feel about that. And they did it anyway, which was great. I mean, it was very much appreciated. I just want them to be taken care of. We are already taken care of. So we were good. You know, I yeah, I don't, and it makes for an awkward situation, I think too, because you're like, one person would get you a gift. But not everybody can do that. You know, like how do you handle that? And so yeah, no gifts for the bosses.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, no gifts to the boss, I guess there's, f you're if you're an if y u're like a supervisor in a c mpany, it's like, you know, y u make sure that the employees k ow that no, don't be gett ng the supervisors gifts, etc. Yeah, don't do that. m, and again, I don't say that t be a grouch, but I say it bec use what happens a lot of time is that people get coerced, or Now I will say one thing that we used to do in our, when I worked ike you said, people's pers nal financial situations are different. And then there's hat one little, you know, off ce Kathy, or office Karen, that s always like pressuri g everybody, like, you know, th s much, I need this much mone. It's like, Oh, for God's sak, just stop tha for the arena. And we've done this now, every year that we've had our company, and we do it individually, just for Mike and I, it's not part of a company thing. But we always adopt, we give money for one of our local charities, Matthew's Hope for parents to be able to buy gifts. And so what we have always done is we either give money, we just give them a check and say this is for this part of the drive. Or we'll do like a number of gift cards. And we'll say give these to the parents, so the parents can go purchase their own gifts for their kids. And, you know, it's something that it's because you know, as a parent, especially with your like, if you're struggling with homelessness, or something like that, one of the most heartbreaking things is to feel like you cannot purchase gifts for your children, and that you have to rely on charity. So that is something that I do encourage for people, it just has to be you can't hand it out at like, you know, the local, you know, shelters where you can't trust that the parent is going to spend it on their kids and not take it and you know, spend it on something else. But Matthew's Hope they have a very good program for that. And they have done wonderful work with it.
Cheryl Stuller:I was gonna say they always, Department of Social Services here tells us to get an actual gift, and not let them know where it came from. So they can't return it because a lot of times parents will, will do that and not give the gift to the to the child. So that's not good.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, that and that's a really tough call, you know, because I think that really does depend on the charity, it depends on what it is, and how it works out and how well you know them. But I do think that it's always important, especially if you're a person who's fortunate enough that, you know, if you can be out there like blowing $200 dinners, you know, please remember that there are people out there that can't put together $200 for food. And I always encourage anyone, of course, I always encourage people to do that, you know, year round, we always do our end of year giving, which is because that comes at the end of our year, we look at our receipts, you know, we look at our percentages, and we always give at the end of the year to four charities. One is local homelessness. The second is local animals, animal shelters. The third is going to be either an arts, a local arts or history. And then the fourth is going to be NPR, our local PBS station because we watch those and listen to them. Now we're members also, but we like those. But those are our four that we always choose. And we might switch now our homeless group is always the same, were always going to give to them. And then we might switch up between the animal rescue organizations every year. And then the arts and heritage organizations we'll switch. Normally we'd rather give a large check a larger amount to one organization every other year, than bunches of smaller ones. But then we also like to give throughout the year because what happens with a lot of these organizations is they get this huge influx at the end, but they need support year round, especially the whether it's homeless, social services, women's shelters, if there's any way that people can, like either break up their gift or something like that, make it a recurring amount. That's really good for charities.
Cheryl Stuller:Mm hmm. Yes, exactly. Very good.
Stasha Boyd:Well, let's look at our our overall holiday notes that we kind of put in there. Start with yours, you've got one that you started with, which was RSV as soon as possible.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah, I, I have this as a huge pet peeve for me, even getting together with your friends, like, Hey, let's go do such and such on Saturday together. And then people wait until the very last minute to tell you so that you can't plan or get tickets ahead of time or anything. Be respectful. You know, if somebody invites you out to dinner, let them know that you're going to go or not go and then be on time for that dinner. Don't have somebody show up and then they're sitting around, you know, wanting a table for six and you're sitting there by yourself waiting on people.
Stasha Boyd:Oh my god. Oh my, oh my. Yeah, no, I don't. Okay, yeah. I'm very lucky. I don't I don't have a lot of the I don't, I don't think I've had like friend friends that do that. Now I I think I've kind of weeded those folks out. So if people are late. There's genuinely a reason. I don't have the chronic late person that I ever invite anywhere anymore. Um, but RSVP for me is like I if I'm especially for so if it's a party or an invitation like that. The host is trying to arrange the food and the alcohol and the chairs and everything else in the house. Or if it's in a venue, they've got to pay for catering, they got to pay by the head, they got to let people know something. But I think the folks that either that wait a long time to RSVP to something I think a lot of them are looking for the bigger, better deal. And I also think a lot of them are have gone or gotten Facebook invite lazy with the maybes. Maybe I'll be there. But when you mean, it's like then just say no, just say no.
Cheryl Stuller:So we know how to plan. I cannot stand that. cannot tell you how much cannot stand that
Stasha Boyd:And I will tell you when, when they do get some do get away from me. Because sometimes that'll happen, I'll get an invite in the mail or on my email, and I'll put it down. And I just it just falls off my radar. And then I'll see that, hey, if you haven't RSVP. And at that point, I feel like I've just, you know, hit myself in the head with a hammer, because I'm like, I hate it when it's done to me, I really hate it when I do it to other people. So I try not to to apologize too profusely to the point where I'm embarrassing the person. But I always feel bad about that. So I try to be on top of responding as quickly as possible. And also the other impression is that it gives people that you're you're looking for the bigger, better deal. You're waiting for the better party invite. And like that's just rude.
Cheryl Stuller:Just commit or not commit, you know, and move on.
Stasha Boyd:Here's my next one. This is kind of a thing. And it's actually very funny, because arrive on time. Arrive on time. Now, I have a thing about arriving to parties on time, if the party invite is supposed to start at seven, I like to get there at seven, not 6:45 When the host is still trying to like you know, get dressed and finish their hair or going everywhere last minute. Seven. There are a lot of people who are like, no, no, no, you never want to be the first person there. I'm like, I want to be there when they said the part when they said the for the invitation. Now if it says Open House come and go, that's different. But if it's a party invite, and it starts at seven, and it ends at 11. That means it's seven to 11. Show up at seven.
Cheryl Stuller:Because you don't want to be as the host of that party. You don't want to have to keep leaving a progressive party that's moving down the line. You know, you're serving now you're getting your drinks ready, and oh, now I got to stop and greet this person. And here's the where's the food is and here's where the drinks are. And hey, this is Sam and he's blah blah. You know? No, it interrupts the flow of it. Be on time. I totally agree with that as well.
Stasha Boyd:I would be interested to hear if there's any of our listeners who have a different view on that whole thing about not arriving on time. Um, because I have had people make very, they make very impassioned arguments about why you never want to be the first person there or why it's okay to show up later. And I'm like, unless the words Open House are on the invite. Then the time is the time.
Cheryl Stuller:The time is the time. And why can't you be the first one, my God.
Stasha Boyd:That's just stupid.
Cheryl Stuller:You can pick the best seat, and where you want to sit to eat. You get a drink going right away. I mean, there's no downside to that. You get the, you get the host by themselves.
Stasha Boyd:The fresh hors d'oeuvres are on the table. I mean, nothing has gotten cold. I don't understand. Weird. This is
a big one:arrive with a gift in hand. The host and hostess gift. I think it's always very important. You know, and I don't think if you're showing up to like a family gathering, you got to arrive with a hostess gift if it's you know what your brother's house or whatever that is, or if it's just like an informal get together kind of thing. But if it's an actual event party, it's a Christmas party. It's a birthday party. It's a holiday party. It's a Hanukkah party, or what kind of party is if you're arriving soon that's got a name on it, then I think you should always have some kind of a token gift, whether it's a bottle of wine or alcohol, if you know that they drink. And normally, if we're doing that, if we're bringing one for the party, then we'll bring a separate one as a hostess gift. I actually prefer and I'll get little things like, um, throughout the year, little things like wine bottle stoppers, or the little things for like identifying your, your glass or something. It's not an extravagant gift. But it's something like that. If you are going to bring flowers, bring them already in the vase. Because otherwise, the host or the hostess has to stop what they're doing. And put your flowers into a vase, find a vase, get the water, find a place to put it.
Cheryl Stuller:So and they and they really recommend not bringing flowers for that reason. And oftentimes, the host is going to have it decorated the way she wants to. And then, you know, I have a theme going on, I've got this Thanksgiving theme, and then you come in with this. Okay, that doesn't even match. Like, where am I going to put this, you know, and then I've got to go find a place to put that. So it's better. I think alcohol is a great thing to bring because it's expensive. And you even if you have enough for the party that gives you an opportunity to replace that.
Stasha Boyd:I will say that I that I have some friends who when they bring their flowers, I'm like, I want more of those flowers. Those are the best freakin flowers. I mean, they buy these incredible flowers and arrangements and they're just gorgeous. And they always, they always bring them already set up. And they kind of they know my house, so they have a place in mind or they'll have someplace that'll look great. And I hate to discourage people that do it really well. But if you don't already know that you do flowers well, you probably don't.
Cheryl Stuller:Well, then I would reach out to the hostess or host and I would say, do you have a theme? Can I match that, I would really like to bring flowers. I would like to know ahead of time, so that I am not having to deal with well where do I put these because I already have everything decorated.
Stasha Boyd:That's a good idea. That's a that's a great idea. That's it, because that's an absolutely fantastic idea. I don't think I've never brought flowers to somebody unless it was something that I already knew that they liked. And it was just a four person or a six person dinner party. Um, next one, be a respectful houseguest. Because, you know us you know, we do like to have people stay over and we're very lucky. Most of the folks that do come they are incredibly good houseguests. But I have heard horror stories from my friends, who they'll have people come over, it's like, oh, we offered them the place for one night and like, the next day, they wouldn't leave. You know, they didn't just get up and have breakfast and move on. They stay for the entire day. And it's like, okay, that's kind of weird.
Cheryl Stuller:I've never had that happen. I've never had anybody have to stay over. I would Uber them home number one. And I've never had anybody really be disrespectful either. So what have you had that like in your home?
Stasha Boyd:No, we've never had anybody that would that that stayed in amount of time that we did not expect? Because like, you know, for us, we have people that live like way the hell on the other side of town. And even if it's an Uber, first of all, Ubers gonna be expensive. But second of all, we like these people. And sometimes we might say like, Yeah, let's you guys spend the night and we'll have breakfast the next morning. And we get up, we have breakfast, and then they'll like head out
about like 10:30 or 11. Or some folks like, hey, we'll get up, we'll have some coffee and danish and then they'll head out. But whatever that timeline is, we try to make sure it's known in advance. Um, but no, I this is actually before I married Mike, like a long time ago, we had a party that actually started it was a New Year's Eve party. And it went for like four days because people just didn't go home and we didn't know how to live. We did not. We didn't we didn't want to because we didn't want to we probably just you know, we were having so much fun. We were young and stupid. But um, but no, I think that is an important thing. If you are staying with family in sometimes folks come in town, they're staying with family for a few days. Know exactly what those days are. Follow the rules of the house. Like you said, you guys don't do shoes. Don't walk in the house for shoes, then. I don't care what you do at your house, don't walk in with shoes at their house. You know, all the little things,
Cheryl Stuller:All the little things, put your drinks on coasters, you know, be respectful of people's furniture and stuff like that. You know, the general things? What about this? If you if it's a busy party, you know, and you don't have the host greet you at the door, but you have brought a host gift. Do you do you want to make sure that host knows that you brought that or do you just put it down with everything else and not saying anything? How would you handle that?
Stasha Boyd:I would like kind of check the temperature of the room. If I'm arriving on time and there's nobody else there, then absolutely. I'm gonna take it to them. But if I get there and the party's in full swing and they're very busy doing something else, even if I have a hostess gift, I'm going to have a little card on it of some sort. You know, thanks so much for including us, you know, Stasha and Mike or something. So they'll know who got it. And if there's a place for little gifts, and I'll put it there otherwise, I'll just ask them like, you know, brought you a little something not a big deal. And I'll just set it aside.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah, I would definitely want them to know that I brought something. I don't usually do a card. So that's a good idea to include a card if you think that you might not be able to hand it directly to them.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, I always do that always. And it might even just be a little gift tag or something, you know, from us to you, thank you, because things do get separated. And things are and you know, you don't want it to be one more thing for the host to worry about and that way it just kind of covers the bases.
Cheryl Stuller:That's a good idea.
Stasha Boyd:The other one is kind of a big deal. Don't overindulge. Don't overindulge. And there's like, I don't care so much. If people over indulge, as long as you're just not an ass. If you're not an ass, please knock yourself out. The bar is wide open. But if you're the kind of person that like absolutely loses their mind, then you know, you need to come in, check your watch, stay for 30 minutes and go home.
Cheryl Stuller:Or like if they're going to go to sleep on the table or on the couch because they had too much to drink or if they're gonna throw up in your toilet-
Stasha Boyd:Has that ever happened to you?
Cheryl Stuller:Yes.
Stasha Boyd:Oh my god.
Cheryl Stuller:I was taking somebody's home one time in my Cadillac that I did not drive in the rain. Like that's how much I thought of this car because I had never had a new car, never had a nice car. It was always a used it was always something that the kids had to be in. So it was always utilitarian. Is that how you say it? It always had a purpose. So I was able to get this car largely in part with money that I earned from teaching those lifeguarding classes. Anyway, I took a friend home because she couldn't drive. And she, she's, I'm feeling sick. I'm feeling sick. And I'm like, roll down the window, roll down the window. And then she goes, I'm feeling really sick. And I said, Get your ass out that window. Stick your head out that window. Do not throw up in this Cadillac. She did throw up by the way.
Stasha Boyd:Oh, but not in the car.
Cheryl Stuller:Oh my god. Some of it went on the inside of the window. But she didn't hit the leather or anything like oh my god, I'm never doing this again.
Stasha Boyd:I'll totally be a ride or die. But I will absolutely give you a complete shift for that. It's like, oh my god, what were you thinking?
Cheryl Stuller:You never get that smell out. I'm sorry. Piss and vomit. Once it's in your carpet or anything. You never get that out. You will always have that lingering smell there. So I was like, Oh, hell no girl. Way out that window. I couldn't pull over fast enough. Let me tell you.
Stasha Boyd:Oh my god cutting across four lanes of traffic. No, actually, I've never I've never had to do that. I'm thinking back on all of my parties. I don't think I've ever, now one time. One time. And this was completely our fault. Actually. We had a friend who was allergic to gluten and not like the kind I can't have gluten. It makes me bloat. It's like no, she does have celiac but it was like pretty darn close. Um, where she would get very her stomach will just get completely messed up if she had gluten. And so I always had like all glueten, I had a whole gluten free menu for my gluten free friends. All of this kind of stuff. Well, I did not know this. Because I thought vodka didn't have any gluten in it. Some of them don't. Some of them do. This gal got a hold. We served her a vodka that ended up having a gluten in it. And she stayed here that night. The next morning she was so violently ill. And it wasn't because she overindulged. It was because the the alcohol that we saw and actually that's one of the things you have like a respect people's allergies. In this case, I didn't know about it. Or I didn't know that that I didn't know to check didn't occur to me that some vodkas have, what the Hell, what kind of vodka has gluten I thought was supposed to be potatoes right? Um, but no so and by the way, this is a quick tip for you ladies if you guys do have folks who are on the whole gluten free lifestyle, check your vodkas. Tito's handmade, Ketel One, Ocean, the vodkas that I mentioned a lot we use them because they're gluten free.
Cheryl Stuller:I know the Ocean one and that's a good one. You brought that to me and I really liked it.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, and I forgot to check and see of Riker's ocean gluten free it probably is but I'll double check it. Um, but that was the other thing so don't over indulge. Oh, next one on our list was another one of my big ones which is know when the party is over.
Cheryl Stuller:Yeah. When the host is putting things in the dishwasher. That's a good indication, you know, wrapping up food, putting it in containers. Cleaning up, that's a good time to chip in and then leave.
Stasha Boyd:Right? And I would say that it's like, those are like my three cues right there. If I see the hostess, especially if it's like a couple and I see the hostess especially if she starts to put things in the trash. That's the party's over. And if it's a close personal friend, then I will absolutely say, you know, what can I put this here, whatever, then I will, I will do that. And then I will make my way to the door. Sometimes folks will get a little bit over insistent about helping. And I'll be like, no, no, I've got this. Because for example, if I do a dinner party, and I use my good china, I love using my good china, I'm more than happy for people to like, eat on it, drink out of it, whatever, I'm fine. But that China probably cost more than my car. I don't want any- Nobody gets to help me clean it. Nobody. Because if I break it, I can be as mad as I want. If they break it, I have to stand there and be nice about it. And I'm not going to do that. Especially if I've told them to like No let me do it. So that's that's a big one for me. But when the party's over Yeah, know when that is. The next one that I did have too there, was I just want to kind of hit a couple things on this one is like kind of know the rules of gift giving kind of know what they are. I already talked about the one about like the the bosses things. But one that's kind of a big deal for me, is if you're going to give people gifts include a gift receipt, and this is like for the big family gifts and whatnot or a friend gift include a gift receipt. If it's the office, you know, white elephant party? Obviously not. If it's the, you know, a little a hostess gift, please no. But if it's actually giving someone a gift, include a gift receipt. Always.
Cheryl Stuller:I mean, I always think money is a good thing to give if you're not sure. Or you know, like a Visa gift card or something that they can just go get something themselves if you're not really sure what to give somebody.
Stasha Boyd:Yeah, but here's the thing. I really have a hard time with that one. I have, I have never been a fan of giving money or gift cards, especially if I give them a gift card. And then they give me a gift card. We've just exchanged 50 bucks. So what's what's the point? It's getting somebody, or worse if I if I give them a 50 and they give me a 20 I'm like, What the hell? Yeah. It's like,
Cheryl Stuller:And aren't you basically saying, you're really hard to buy for. Here's money.
Stasha Boyd:Are you saying you're really hard to buy for? Or you're saying I don't really know you, man. And to me, that's, that's a hard thing. It's like I understand that more with like teenagers or things like that, where it is hard to buy for them. Especially if it's like a friend's kid that you may not know what they like as well. Or you may not know what they already have. In that case, I try to buy them, I'll give them the gift card. But within some kind of smaller gift. Like a little toy, like a 10 or $15 new wallet or a like a really something they might not buy for themselves. If it's a boy, I might like a really nice leather belt or something. Anything that's like a that's non committal. Because I just feel it's very strange to just give people that if you don't know them well enough to know what they would like. You don't know them well enough to give them a gift.
Cheryl Stuller:I literally just did this. I missed my friend's daughter's baby shower. Because it was on a Sunday. I couldn't go. I met her for lunch. I gave her a card. And inside the card I had put $100 bill and I said give this to her. If there's anything that she didn't get at the baby shower. She can use that to get it. You know, I just Yeah, yeah.
Stasha Boyd:It just thought Yes. And I can understand that a little bit more. I will say one thing. There's one other one that I want to get on before we run out of time. And that was watch it with the self improvement gifts. I used to have a relative.
Cheryl Stuller:What do you mean by that?
Stasha Boyd:Oh, they would give their whole they would like give people like if they thought they weren't handling their money, right? They would give them a book on here's how you handle money. If they thought they were overweight, here's a book on dieting. If they thought they weren't working out enough, here's some free weights. You know, it's like, Okay, folks, unless the person asks for it, in writing, not give people any gift that implies that they need to do something that they're not already doing. Now, if they're, they're a person who does fitness and a workout person, and they would really like to have a super high end pair of gloves, and it's something that they probably wouldn't buy for themselves, or they've mentioned before and haven't done it yet. Absolutely. If that's what they want, and they've kind of expressed that that's an enthusiastic thing for them. Knock yourself out. Don't give people things to tell them to be better.
Cheryl Stuller:So no gym memberships?
Stasha Boyd:No, no, never.
Cheryl Stuller:I've never done that, so.
Stasha Boyd:Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, I will say there's one more too. We're kind of like coming up on and we got about five more minutes here. But I want to say um, if somebody says no gifts, no gifts. Take them a card, you know, some other small thing or whatever, like you said, but, but no, or give them something later. But if there's a party and they say no gift because then what happens is it's like everybody else has honored the no gift and you walk in with a gift, then that's a pain. Or they say, no gifts, everybody else breaks the rule and you walk in with no gift, because you honored the rule, then you feel like an idiot. So whatever the host says, please just do it.
Cheryl Stuller:Right. And I think it's always important to end the night with Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed and then list what you enjoyed about it, whether it's the food, the conversation, the people, whatever it is, be specific. And then follow it up with a card or an email or a text if you're really close friends. You know, just wanted to tell you again, had such a good time. Thank you for having it, hosting it. You know, you can't hear that enough. Because as you know from because you guys host a lot of parties. It's a lot of work. Yeah, to do a lot of work before, during and after. Yeah, to hear that people had a good time and that they appreciated it. And you know, it was a good night for everybody that that just feels really good.
Stasha Boyd:We got um, we recently got a couple of thank you cards, and one of them was from a friend of ours who had their 50th birthday. What was the last weekend or weekend before last whenever that and it was one of those just a hellacious blowout party. It was absolutely fantastic. And the card was so sweet. And actually so funny because I couldn't find a birthday card that I thought was really fitting them. But I found this one that had the zany dog on it that matches that looks kind of like one of his any dogs. And it was like going, there was like a retirement gift card or something. And I just crossed out retirement. It's like a birthday. It's like, Man, I couldn't find the right birthday card. But this dog spoke to me. And he got the joke. I love that. I love that. Um, what do you have? Is there anything else that you're kind of big on the list on about holiday etiquette?
Cheryl Stuller:No, I think we've pretty much covered everything. Oh, well, one thing we didn't talk about is if you know that somebody is going through a divorce or a separation or a hard time or something like that, a party is not the time to bring that up. You know, including gossip. You know, keep all of that divisive conversation out of a party that's just a buzz killer. You know, don't don't let's just, it just needs to be light and fun. We get enough of that in our lives on a day to day basis. This is supposed to be fun,
Stasha Boyd:Everything out of your mouth should be positive. And you know, hey, we did this great thing, or this wonderful thing happened. Or let me tell you about these fantastic things of the year, whatever it is, if it's a party, act like it, act like it's a joyful time, you know, and that you're glad to be there. And I think that is probably one of the the best pieces of advice anybody can possibly have. I will say one last bit of advice that I was thinking of. And I don't even know that this is so much etiquette. But it's more like Know your limits, whatever they are, know what your alcohol limits are, know what your food limits are, if you do not want to sit there and lose your mind over how much food you're going to eat, then before you walk in the door. Or better yet, when you get up that morning, write down, I'm going to have two glasses of wine, I'm going to have four hors d'oeuvres, I'm gonna have a protein, I'm gonna have one piece of cake, whatever, you know, just write it down so you know what your limit is. So that way you don't have to worry about it anymore. But also know what your financial limits are. Every year for our Christmas Mike and I set out a budget, and we go out and we take that much cash out of the bank. And we have that envelope and we write everybody's name and what we're going to get them on that envelope and it comes out of that envelope. And when it's gone it's gone. You know, even us because I think that that happens to a lot of folks, when you either you start feeling super generous, sometimes you get caught up in a moment. And you should never I always feel like you should never go into debt. And I said this before I think back on our money episode. Don't go into debt for something that's going to disappear, which is like food and dinner. You never pay that the second month that gets paid off on a card this month. No no interest ever carries on dinner. You shouldn't go into debt over holidays, gifts, presents, ever. It's like if you don't have the money, it's better to give something small and personal and, and and loving to a person than it is for you to put yourself into some kind of financial hardship for it. And even if you're like, you know, rolling in dough, it's like you know, and you like being generous. It's like Hell yeah, man. It's like if your Christmas budget is 20 grand this year. Well, good for you, you know, know that. Um, don't make it 25.
Cheryl Stuller:Right, right. I do that was my kids. I you know, I pick a number and all the kids including my grandson gets the same number. You know, I don't give one kid more and another kid less. Yeah, it's budgeted per person too, I think it's a good way to do it.
Stasha Boyd:Absolutely. So again, put put thought into things. And then I would say so so for our why do we think we missed our why do we think this important topic for like women like us aside, I think it's a perfect topic for women like us in our 50s. Because a lot of transitions are happening. There are now more kids and grandkids, kids have left home, there's more opportunities to have parties and events, they have a tendency to overrun us at the holidays, when you're also in the midst of menopause. And you're like dealing with like, you know, brain fog and weight gain and all sorts of stuff. And not to mention the mental aspect. Sometimes it can just make you crazy. But if you have a plan, you kind of follow through some basic etiquette, it makes life easy, because you're not, you're not having to make decisions on the fly, the decisions are already made. And so I would say for me, the number one thing that if people don't take away anything else from this, it's etiquette makes your life easier, not harder. It's not about remembering rules, it's about having decisions pre made. So you don't have to sit there and wear yourself out wondering what you're going to do every time.
Cheryl Stuller:And it shows respect, you know, and that's an important thing, too. I think you need to be respectful of the person's house and company that you're in. And that goes to the My big thing to take away is like you said, Know your limits on alcohol, you know, it's not fun to have to babysit somebody or worry about them passing out on the table or the couch, you know, or are they going to get home okay, you know, that takes away from that, like you said, party festive atmosphere it needs to be fun, light, and everybody should have a good time.
Stasha Boyd:Including the host and hostess. Don't be somebody else's problem. And at the same time, you know, try to lessen the problems on yourself. So because I really one of these I feel very strongly about the holidays, and this'll be my last thing I say about it, is that I love Thanksgiving, and Christmas and New Year's. I love the parties. I love decorating. I love the friends and for the past year or past year and a half. A lot of that has been really curtailed, and my life has gotten smaller. We didn't decorate last year, we didn't do crap last year. This year, I want that back. And I want to enjoy it and I want back all of that wonder and awe and joy and everything that I feel about the holidays, family, friends, spirituality for the people who are spiritual. Tradition for the people who are traditional, all of that. And I think it's an important thing to do.
Cheryl Stuller:I agree. Yeah, great.
Stasha Boyd:And lastly, I would say if someone says Merry Christmas, the response is always and you too. Or happy holidays and you too. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Honestly, folks, if you lose your mind over people saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. You don't need to put the Christ back in Christmas you need to put the Christ back in Christian so I'm just saying that all right. That's my last word. Stasha's last word Christ and Christmas or Christ and Christian. Right
Cheryl Stuller:I completely agree with that. Parents need to slow their roll.
Stasha Boyd:Yes, absolutely. Well that's that's it for this episode everyone thank you again. Next week our episode topic of conversation Did we have one we had-
Cheryl Stuller:We did not nail that down. So sorry about that. But we will figure it out and have a good topic for sure.
Stasha Boyd:Because we know that one of them and the last our last episode in this year, we're looking forward to it. We're taking some time and reflect on the year. Things we've learned in 2021 things we've learned personally things that we're looking forward to for 2022 things we've learned from doing this podcast and we want to thank all of you guys who have been there with us from the beginning and have been part of this year with us and so as we go to this holiday season, we talk about the things that we are grateful for this Thanksgiving and the things that are so special and such gifts in our lives people please know that you are one of them. Alright everybody, we are going to sign off. Thank you so much and we will talk to you later. Bye,
Cheryl Stuller:Have a good week everybody.
Stasha Boyd:And happy Thanksgiving. Oh wait Thanksgiving already happened nevermind. Okay. Bye.