Lessons Learned: It’s been a heck of a year, y'all

Holy cow, ladies. 2021 is coming to a close and (lordy be!) have we been on a learning curve of epic proportions this past year. Not just starting this podcast, but about life, work, friendship, family, mental health, boundaries, communication and ALL the things.

In this, our last episode of 2021, we’re looking back at what we got right, and maybe a little of what we might have gotten wrong, so we can look forward to what’s next.

So, grab a spiked hot chocolate or a sparkling, bubbly spritzer and join us as we glance in the review mirror before we stomp our high-heeled feet down on the accelerator and roar into 2022.

Cheryl’s Sparkling Pomegranate Cocktail

•  1 ½ cup pomegranate juice
• 1 bottle sparkling wine, I like Prosecco
• Mulled raspberry’s as garnish

Stasha’s Peppermint Chocolat Choad with Chocolate Liqueur 

•  Whole Milk (I use Publix lactose free organic)
• 2 TBSP Petite Maison’s Peppermint Chocolat Chaud
• 1 Oz Godiva Dark Chocolate Liqueur

 Heat milk on stovetop, NOT in the microwave.

Put 2 TBSP Chocolate Chaud in a mug then add a small amount of heated milk. Stir until all powder is emulsified. Add remaining hot milk. Stir. Add chocolate liqueur. Stir.

OUR NOTES FOR THIS EPISODE

CHERYL’S DISCUSSION NOTES 

1.  I’ve learned more about myself and how to change my interactions with others.
2. I’ve learned more about mental health, relationship, and prioritizing myself.
3. I’ve learned more about podcasts and social media.
4. I’ve learned more about my friendship with Stasha and how my actions impacted that friendship.
5. I’ve had to revisit my childhood and examine how I grew up and choices I made and why.
6. I’ve grown stronger as Cheryl and in standing up for myself in my marriage.

STASHA’S DISCUSSION NOTES

1. Creating a podcast: production (easy), promote, market (not so easy), monetize (not started) BECAUSE:
   1. There’s a LOT to learn, especially at our age (THANK YOU Steve Dotto!)
   2. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9BqPtCcSyHvQsbl2rumM4w
   3.  https://dottotech.com/
2.  You HAVE to learn. You have to DECIDE you WANT to learn. You have to agree that you WILL learn. You HAVE to get over any fear or hesitancy about learning NEW THINGS.
3. Priorities: Not just me, but EVERYONE involved, especially any partners
4. Covid’s impact on our business: 
   1. Forced pause. Forced reset. I determined that I don’t want to keep doing what I was doing the way I was doing it. 
   2. Mike’s reset. He is returning to something very important to him.
5. Covid’s impact on our lives:
   1. I am a people person (not exactly news) AND I want to spend my time with people who are like me. Growing, enthusiastic, excited to learn, 
   2. (Friendship episode: I missed the rich tapestry of acquaintances, local friends, good friends, etc.)
6.  I have something very valuable to share with people. Now have to focus and decide how to best move forward.

Chapters

• 3:42 Jump to the juicy bit
• 16:02 Cheryl's challenging lesson
• 27:17 Stasha's challenging lesson
• 49:12 Wrapping up the year

Transcript

Stasha Boyd: 0:01

Hi there, I'm Stasha.

Cheryl Stuller: 0:03

I'm Cheryl.

Stasha Boyd: 0:05

And between us,

Cheryl Stuller: 0:05

we have four kids,

Stasha Boyd: 0:07

three businesses,

Cheryl Stuller: 0:08

two husbands, and one goal:

Stasha Boyd: 0:10

to get to The Point of the Matter. And that idea of continued learning has always been important to me. I've always been curious. And I think that that's probably one of the best things that our podcast has done for me, is that it just takes my curiosity in a new perspective, because you're giving me a different perspective. And I think that's fantastic. You know, because sometimes it's like, I just didn't think of it that way before.

Cheryl Stuller: 0:38

Now that my children are not, they're all adults, and I'm learning to let them make their own decisions and not always give my opinion. Even though I can, I can say, what your ass is doin', is not a good idea.

Stasha Boyd: 0:56

And I'm gonna write down the consequences. And I'm gonna open this envelope in like a year. Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller: 1:06

Hey Stasha. How are you?

Stasha Boyd: 1:09

I'm good. I'm good. And did I see on our notes that this is like, we've made it to our 30th episode?

Cheryl Stuller: 1:14

Made it to our 30th.

Stasha Boyd: 1:16

Oh, oh, my god.

Cheryl Stuller: 1:19

I can't believe it.

Stasha Boyd: 1:21

Yeah, I can't, I can't either. That's, that's, that's crazy. So anyway, I can, I will just stick with that. So, um, how was your week? What'd you do this week?

Cheryl Stuller: 1:33

Well, this week was Thanksgiving. So just got together with the kids, very low key. My mom has been in the hospital. So we are working around that hoping to get that situation better. How about you?

Stasha Boyd: 1:49

Well, same thing it was Thanksgiving. And we hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. So it was a small group. It was um, me and mom and dad, my brother and his wife and their two boys who are 19 and 21. Yeah, yeah. 19 to 21 or 20 and 21. Or somewhere in there. So it was nice. We had already come over and it's probably about an hour drive for those guys to get here from both of their houses. They don't live, they all, it's kind of like a triangle shape, right? So, but I always, I love to have people here because I always feel like if I have it here I can kind of, you know, control the vibe. It's Stasha's rules. And but no, I think we had a great time. I think I had a good time. I hope everybody else did too.

Cheryl Stuller: 2:35

Good. That's awesome to hear.

Stasha Boyd: 2:37

Yeah. And going back to our cooking episode, I did the turkey and the dressing. And then after that, I boiled the carcass down and I made a big old pot of turkey soup with kale and tortellini. And then we had even more turkey leftovers. So once we got all of the meat off of the bones. Last night, I made a big pan of Turkey Tetrazzini. I love to cook. I love to cook. We've had this conversation, Cheryl.

Cheryl Stuller: 3:02

And I do not like to cook. So we went to the country club for Thanksgiving. And it's the first year I've done that, just so nobody gets all hyped up. I usually cook Thanksgiving but this year, I said, No I'm going to do something different. So that was nice.

Stasha Boyd: 3:19

You get to run your Thanksgiving any way you want to baby, you don't, nobody's here to judge. Who's judging?

Cheryl Stuller: 3:24

Well, there was a lot of people there. So a lot of people I guess feel the way I do about that.

Stasha Boyd: 3:31

There are a lot of people at Cracker Barrel. I mean, there's a lot of people who don't like to cook on Thanksgiving.

Cheryl Stuller: 3:36

Okay, well, good to know.

Stasha Boyd: 3:39

Perfectly acceptable, perfectly acceptable. Well, so we're talking about today's topic, everyone. For those of y'all who probably saw the thing. But it's, the title is Lessons Learned. Because you and I started this a year ago, this one is going to go live in probably mid or mid to early December. And we thought it'd be a really good time to kind of look back on the year and talk about you know, what have we learned from this lark? So do you want to like, for anybody who's missed it, you want to give people the kind of quick recap on our origin story, how we started The Point of the Matter?

Cheryl Stuller: 4:12

Well, you and I had kind of gotten back into calling each other regularly. And, you know, we talked about, you know, it might be interesting, with all the podcasts out there, to talk about. Because we're so open and honest with each other. I thought it was maybe a good idea to talk about what that looks like for other women our age, just having real talk about real issues that you weren't afraid to sugarcoat or not fully address. And that's kind of how it all started. And we kind of have a unique perspective based on where we grew up and where we are now. So I hope that it's been beneficial to people.

Stasha Boyd: 4:59

I think so I think feedback that we've gotten has been very been very positive, incredibly positive. And and I think one of the reasons why when you first called and said something about it, and we were talking about why, you know, we got together and we talked about, okay, well, what do we what, why us? Why should we do this? And in addition to the fact that I think that you and I kind of have this very frank manner of speaking, both of our spouses and our kids, and our friends all say that same thing that it's like, you know, yeah, there's there is no filter, no filter. And when you and I get together, we have a tendency, I think, to be fairly funny. I find us funny, other people might not, but I think we're funny. But I also think that what adds to that uniqueness is that if people look back at us, as we were coming out of high school, part of that uniqueness is that we were the two people based upon what we had, at that point we're choosing to do would be the people voted most likely to not succeed. It was like I was off to join the theater, and you were off to get married. And it was sort of like at 18. You and I both I mean, you had been, you had turned 18 in April, right. And I had turned 18 in December. And by January, both you and I, we were well out of the house. And I think that is a that's one of the things that does make us a little unique and different. Because of that, that one thing, if nothing else, made both of us so intrepid, you know, we just go out and get it done. You know, we got things to do. Let's go, I want to do this. Let's do it. So that's kind of the thing that I think makes us, made us worthy of putting together this podcast and chatting.

Cheryl Stuller: 6:42

I agree. It's so weird to talk about, even reflect on how you grew up and how you grew up with your perspective and how we grew up with with yours. You know, hearing about the fight story. I learned things about that in my 55th year that I didn't know from then, because I guess we never really had an in depth conversation about it like we did for the podcast. So it was really good to hear, you know, how did your life impact somebody else? Because you only know your perspective and what other people tell you. So I think it's really important to have those conversations and revisit things that you may not that may be unresolved.

Stasha Boyd: 7:30

Which actually kind of brings us to our question, our normal standard opening questions is, you know, why is this topic, our lessons learned topic, do we think it's important to our listeners? And why is it important to us personally, and I think it's important to us personally, because women are 50, I mean to to women in our demographic, because it is important to stop every once in a while and say, Okay, well, what have I learned? What have I learned this past year? What did I learn, you know, over the past five or 10, what I learned from doing this job, or from being friends with that person, or breaking up with that person, you know, that idea that you get to a point where you're no longer learning means that you're also no longer improving, you're no longer building something, you're no longer moving yourself forward. Because you want something, either you're in a rut, or you're resting on your laurels, or you're in or you're just you're trapped in something. And I think that that's why us looking back on just this past year, and not just you know, the podcast, but also you know, COVID and our friendship and you know, our lives, our businesses, our spouses, I mean, there's so much if you just take a second stop and think about it. And so for me, one of the things that this podcast has done for me is weekly, you and I have had some great discussions on on things that matter. They matter to us. That's why we came up with the topics, you know, and then we hope they matter to our listeners. And I think our, I think our listeners have let us know that it's like yeah, man, they heard us they heard something and and they would get something of value out of it big or small. Or they would find something funny, or we'd give them something to talk about go Yeah, I don't think so, Stasha or man, I can see how you and Cheryl could disagree on this, you know, but it just kind of keeps your mind flexible. What do you think? Why do you think it's important to the listener? And why is it important to you?

Cheryl Stuller: 9:14

Well, one of the, well two things that I learned. I learned a lot about, in hearing how you deal with people. You know, you get complacent in your life. When you're when you're in your own little bubble, you get complacent. So for us to have these in depth conversations, I learned a little bit about how to deal with people again. You know, my guardian ad litem work you have to deal with people this one way. Your business life you have to deal with people this way. Your children, you deal with them this way. So it's good to have that other perspective. When I was talking to my mom, about her health and what needed to happen coming up. I really thought about the things that you have taught me about how to not jump into that emotional carousel that you get on. Not make it emotional, and really get down to these. Just the facts, ma'am. You know, let's deal with just the facts right now, you can deal with the emotional shit of that later because it is your mom that you're talking about my mom. And then that whole dynamic with my brother. So I really learned a lot from you. Just in that, well, maybe it could be this way. Or maybe they're thinking this way. And so, I really thought about that. I really thought about what what words am I saying that my mom is going to hear, that I want her to hear the best thing for her to do going forward. Based on what the doctor said not what my opinion is, or anything but based on what the doctor said. How can I get her to that space where she feels good about that? That's one thing you've really helped me with. And I think the podcast has broadened my knowledge about mental health issues about relational issues. I didn't know what negging and bread crumbing was until we researched that. And I thought that was really cool to be able to really have a background on on what people say to you and how you process that. Kind of ties in with those things that we we learned in doing the podcast.

Stasha Boyd: 11:33

Yeah. And I think that's one things too, that, you know, the the work with the guardian ad litem, and for that with you with domestic violence. It's like it really brings a super strong and focused perspective to a lot of things. Because it's like, okay, I can talk about, you know, here's what I think about things. But you can talk about, here's what I've observed. And here's what I know. And here's what happens in the court, here's what I've seen happen over and over and over when things are not addressed, or they're left to, to, or they're left to be, to the worst of our peoples personal instincts. I think that perspective of being able to say, you know, look, this is, this is not playing. Things go bad, fast. And for you and I, like the whole thing with like the bread crumbing and the negging and everything. So many of our friends or girlfriends are either single now, suddenly single in the 50s, or they became single in their their 30s or 40s. And they're still single now, and now they're trying to navigate this new dating world. And I want to be a good friend, I want to be the person who can say something, you know, useful and helpful and not sound like an idiot. And that means that I do have to learn, I have to learn what my friends are going through whether I'm going through it or not. And that idea of continued learning has always been important to me. I've always been curious. And I think that that's probably one of the best things that that our podcast has done for me is that it just takes my curiosity in a new perspective, because you're giving me a different perspective. And I think that's fantastic. Because sometimes I just didn't think of it that way before.

Cheryl Stuller: 13:06

Well, exactly. That's kind of what I learned from you. And I and I get that from Suzanne as well. I get that other, and I will tell her you need to, this is the way I'm thinking about this. You need to tell me if I'm crazy or if I'm spot on or or if I need to think of it from a different perspective. And I so appreciate that information. I am humble enough that when you tell me that, show me that, help me learn that, I will take that in and that helps me moving forward.

Stasha Boyd: 13:37

Yeah. Well, and that's kind of like when we think about what sparked all of this, it really came around because of COVID. I mean, let's let's face it, you know, 2020 was just such a shit show of you know what the hell's going on? All these things about lockdowns and staying home. And, you know, it wasn't until the end of the year really, when they first started making the announcements about the vaccines. That it was like, okay, life can kind of come back to normal. But Mike and I, you know, we have been moving forward with our business for 18 years. At that point, almost 19. And, you know, we had a plan, we had a plan. And the plan was like, you know, we're gonna keep it going for another five years, we really knew how to do what we do. Or what we did. We had started though, in our early in our mid 30s. So we were we were younger. But it was also before the internet really. It was before all this online stuff and online marketing and social media and all that kind of stuff. We had learned some new things, obviously, because you have to grow with technology as things move forward, but we did not grow our understanding of how business operated in this new world. How online business, how online marketing works, how creating creating these different things happen. So when you said the thing about like what do you think about the podcast, I'm like, hell yeah. I would love to learn how to do a podcast. Again, recording it, that's, that's easy for us. I mean, we're a production company. Easy peasy. But I didn't know anything about marketing. I knew even less than that about social media. Um, I still know nothing about monetization. So I'll still have that on my list of things that I need to check off. But, but I have learned, you know, and it's been slow. And we've made a lot of mistakes, you know, I've made a lot of mistakes. But we continue to move forward, we continue to learn something and try and move it forward. So I think that, for me, has made everything itself worthwhile. Because it's like, you know, at the end of the day, not only do I think that we produce something really good and fun, and I've certainly enjoyed doing it. But I have learned so much. And it has sparked me to want to learn more. I was gonna do one shout out here to my my guy, but did you want to talk anything about that about like, just the process, the production process that you and I put together?

Cheryl Stuller: 16:00

Well, you have definitely, and this is kind of where you excel and where I fall short. Butt in seat kind of learning for me is harder. I'm more, show me something. I'm very visual and very action oriented. So for me to sit in front of a computer and learn stuff. I'm not good at that. So you have definitely done better with that. And I know that's been challenging for you. And I appreciate you sticking with me on that. Um, but you're right, it is important to learn. I just have a harder time sitting still to be able to do that. It's not my particular gift. So I'm still working on that.

Stasha Boyd: 16:43

Right. Well, I also think that part of the challenge of it is that there really is a lot to learn. And it's all the stuff you know, I mean, I have my little cell phone, right, and I do all the things on it. But I didn't know how social media worked. I didn't know how people found podcasts. I didn't know, you know what these algorithms did. I never had to look into any of that. And now that I have and I'm learning, I did find and it's thanks to a very good friend of mine, a friend of ours, who recommended a gentleman by the name of Steve Dotto, and I'm gonna put a shout out to this guy. It's DottoTech is the name of his company. There'll be a link in our show notes. But what this guy does, he's Canadian. So he's super nice. But what he does, and he's been doing this for the last six years, is he teaches people our age. Gen Xers and baby boomers, so our age and older, about technology and running businesses in this this new environment. That's all he does. And he has has an online presence. He's got a YouTube channel where he has all sorts of free things you can learn, you know, you can go right there. He does online courses that you pay for he has a group that you can become a member of. He has a free things that he offers on his website. And me finding that has been a true game changer. I mean, I think my friend, Randy Keenan pointed that out to me and pointed me towards this guy. And I started listening to his podcast, and going, okay, this person is talking in a way that I can understand. And I don't feel dumb. That's so important for me, I have a real hard time because, I do like to learn things. But I get frustrated very quickly with technology. And as soon as people are starting to talk in a way that I can't follow, and I start to feel super stupid. I will I just I get angry. I'm like, Oh, my God stop. But one of the first things he said, and one of his first classes is that you know what, you can learn this, it's not that hard. And get over it, you need to learn to just just get over it. And I like that's the language I'm used to hearing. That's the language I respond to. Get over it.

Cheryl Stuller: 18:52

And see the the learning side of it is what you have been attracted to. And what I've been attracted to about it is talking to women in a way that I hope is really connective for them and real. And, hey, we've got your back. We've been there. And if we haven't we're willing to learn about it and share it with you. So that's been kind of my way that I've had enthusiasm about it.

Stasha Boyd: 19:24

Yeah. Well, because you want you know, I don't want to just have a vanity project. You know, you and I talked about this before. We want to just have our conversations and the way you and I talk about things, which is pretty straightforward. We want that to help people, especially women like us in our 50s and beyond. We also want people to see the two different thought processes that we use to get to that's an important thing for women like us. And I think also is that idea of friendship, of just being part of this group of women of our women friends that we have the ones who are our super tight super close friends, but also the ones who are, you know, going out in those concentric circles that are getting a lot that would just want to, that we know and like, and we would like them to get to know us better. And I would like to get to know them better. I think this is another way to do it. It's just another avenue to reach into somebody, and then also to meet people new.

Cheryl Stuller: 20:23

It's a connection for sure. And I've reconnected with friends over this that have heard it and have, you know, wanted to give us feedback and reach out. And that's been pretty special. And, and I think that was part of also you mentioned the COVID time period that we started this, this was a good way to connect and feel connected, and have something going on in our life that we felt like was important enough to share with other women our age.

Stasha Boyd: 20:53

And actually, that that is part of the lessons learned is that you know, because of that idea of having something new to go on in your life, you know, our business changed radically, just changed overnight, just poof. And the first year was just, you know, okay, well, we're gonna have a wait and see and wait and see. But 2021 comes around. It's like, okay, we can't keep hanging out in inertia forever. What what are we going to do? How are we going to move forward. And I will tell you this, having to give it that kind of thought, having that forced pause, and then having the opportunity to really think about it. Every week, you and I got together every week, we were talking about something every week, you're questioning what's important to you in different ways. Even if the conversation wasn't completely on topic to what I was dealing with at that particular moment, it still sharpened my mind. And made me look at things and go okay, yeah, that this part of this is something that I want more of in my life, I want more friends around, I want more close friendships and conversations, I want less bullshit, I want less of, you know, clients that aren't paying attention or clients who are not valuing our time back, I want less of that. I want more working with somebody who who's enthusiastic about something, I want to be less of a water carrier and more of a partner with somebody. Um, I think those conversations just kind of that, that you and I had just really informed my thinking in other ways.

Cheryl Stuller: 22:28

And for me, the podcast was also about because I've been through a big transition in this last year, I, you know, went from having a marriage to now being separated. And having to look at that and say, Okay, what is your part in that Cheryl? And what have you learned from doing some of these podcasts that will help you really look into that, and own it, and be able to move forward in that. So I, because I now, I mean, for the longest time, I had so much responsibility as a kid, and had so much put on me. And that carried over into everything that I did, I took on a lot of other people's responsibility, responsibility for them being happy responsibility for them, getting things done responsibility for helping them progress and achieve more. And I took that on myself. Nobody made me do that. I took that on. And so as I've gotten older, and my children have gotten older, and my relationship has gotten older, I have had to really think about Cheryl, and what do you want, and being okay with thinking that way? Because, because I haven't done that, or learned how to do that. I would often feel guilty, you know, for taking any personal time or thought towards myself. Um, so part of that transition into separating was about that, how you, you might love someone, but and I will always love this person, but also, what do you need to do for yourself to be stronger, better and stand up for how you want to be treated? And wrapping my head around being okay with that this podcast helped me do that, because we really kind of delved into your relationships, we delved into the dynamics of them, you know, and we had discussions about other people and their, how they did things and you know, that kind of helps.

Stasha Boyd: 24:48

Well, and I also think it gives you the ability to have a foundation when your world's just being rocked, you know, and decisions have to be made and those decisions are not fun and they're not fair and and all the things that happen around us. But with friendships, and with conversation and communication, you can at least not be knocked off, you know, you can at least not be like knocked over sideways, you can keep yourself upright, mentally upright, emotionally upright, maybe you know hurting, maybe a lot of pain maybe confused. But you know that you've got yourself, which is strong. And that you can think through things. And then you got people around you who are like going, like, yeah, you've got this and what you don't have, I've got, okay, you can, that's what helps, I think. And that goes back to a whole idea of helping people to be a better friend to themselves first. And then also to be a better friend, to their friends. You know?

Cheryl Stuller: 25:51

And I think that came out for me, with not having to feel like I had to be the strong one all the time, and push my own wants and needs and thoughts down to be that strong person. It gets exhausting to be strong all the time. And it's also not a real state of mind to where you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. And that be okay. And that's something I've kind of worked on this last year. And doing the podcast helped me do that, because it gave me my own voice, along with yours about issues that are really relevant now and going forward, and how that tied into our past. So I learned a lot about myself, in all of this too, and how to navigate this whole thing called life with more grace and dignity. I kept saying that phrase to myself, grace and dignity, grace and dignity, because it's so easy to lash out and be mean, and be angry. You know, and go down that rabbit hole when you really don't want to do that. I've tried to focus more on growing as a person and as a partner, and how do you do that with grace and dignity?

Stasha Boyd: 27:16

And I think I agree, because the thing about being a badass is that, you know, I know I can do that. I know that I am I can deal with any battle I can get in anybody's face, I've got I've got all that ability locked down. What I don't know so well is Do I have the ability to just stand down a little bit. You know, like, I want things to be the kind of the growth thing you were talking about that you've learned so much about yourself? For me. It's never enough. It's like, you know, okay, it's not enough, I need to do more, I need to do more. If things aren't getting done, well, then I need to do more. And so part of this journey for me to say is like, okay, no, I don't need to do more. I need to look at what I am doing. I need to look at what other people are doing. I need to say, Okay, here's, here's my, here's, I am doing enough, I'm doing enough.

Cheryl Stuller: 28:02

And you are enough.

Stasha Boyd: 28:06

And you end up get and that's on that you're you've told me it's like no, your thing about your limits and boundaries. And I'm like, You know what? You're absolutely right. There needs to be some some limits and boundaries up in here. Um, that doesn't make me less formidable than I already am. But it does make I think it does make me think of things in a different perspective, and revalue women's friendships. I like going into this, you know, I'm not I will admit, I am not the best when it comes to like women, for me, a descent into hell is like getting together with a whole bunch of women, because all they're gonna do is be bitching about their husbands and all that kind of stuff. How nice for me, one of the growth things that I've learned is that that's not true. Women talk about plenty of other things. And they can be invited to talk about other things. They can be encouraged. I mean, all there's this wide, wide range. And there's this whole depth and strength of women's friendships that I had not really had. Because I was going Yeah, no, I don't I don't know. I don't I don't want to do that. I think that that's one of the things that this podcast, and especially you and I because we have known each other for so long, and from where we came from and you know, our parents and our grandparents and our, our siblings and you know, who went to school with our teachers, our pastors, I mean, all of the things that we know about each other, that's just kind of there, just kind of like the fabric of us that we don't have to rediscover. I think that really helps.

Cheryl Stuller: 29:43

And I think if if the listeners really knew the extent and the depth of how we grew up, how southern it was, how male dominated it was, how you don't get to talk about your thoughts and feelings. You don't get to have those. We've got work to do. We've got a plan. We've got a farm, you know to do. We've got this, we've got that, you know, to be the women that we are today. I'm super proud of us for that. Because we are so not we are. And we're also not how we were brought up, especially on the environment side of that.

Stasha Boyd: 30:24

Yeah, I think that's what if you, the day I learned that you can decide how you're going to be. And just because somebody else has said, This is who you are, and this is what you're going to be, doesn't mean, you have to agree with them. It certainly doesn't mean you have to keep going the way you were going. That, this was like a couple of decades ago for me, but that realization that one singular day, when it was like, You know what, I'm not afraid of lightning, mama's afraid of lightning. Man, we talked about a story in one of our previous episodes. But that realization that so much of what I had been led to believe were my own thoughts and ideas, as a child and as a teenager, and even as a young as a young adult. That they weren't true. And that I could be different. That's an that's an important bit of education. And I think that's one of the reasons why. And you have that same curiosity, and you have the same ability to say, like, yeah, no, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to do that I can I can. I can be different. If I want to, should I do I need to look at this. Can I examine it? And I think that's part of where you know, your head is right now you're talking about like the the conversation you and I chatted about earlier about this conversation that you had, and you're like, Yeah, I understand what you want. You want everything to be the same way it always was. And I'm telling you, I'm not okay with that. I'm making a change. I don't know exactly how that's going to shake out yet. But it is not to go backwards.

Cheryl Stuller: 31:50

It is not to go backwards. Exactly. And I think, um, I know that you didn't, I know you have fur baby children. But when you have children, I think us as women, a lot of times, not not every woman, of course. But a lot of times we as moms devote so much to raising our kids and doing what they're doing and supporting what they're doing. And making sure the house is running well, you kind of lose yourself a little bit sometimes in that. And so it was important for me to get have a little bit to myself, you know, because I, my husband wanted to start this business. Well, I was going to be a part of that and support that too. It was our family, you know, so I didn't really have a career that that I chose. We chose that for the family. And it was based on what he was good at. And then, you know, Safelight came along, and I started getting involved with domestic violence, and then guardian ad litem, and that's been my little niche of doing something that I'm interested in doing, you know. So that kind of flowed into now that my children are not, they're all adults, and I'm learning to let them make their own decisions and not always give my opinion. Even though I can I can say what your ass is doing, is not a good idea.

Stasha Boyd: 33:26

And I'm gonna write down the consequences. I'm gonna open this envelope in like a year.

Cheryl Stuller: 33:31

I have not, I have learned, I do not need to say that. Sometimes I need to step back, and let it all happen, and just be there when, you know, I told you so comes out, you know?

Stasha Boyd: 33:48

Yes. And then we'll question whether or not we need to say that too. Or do you just have to like raise an eyebrow and go? Ah, like I was saying, like, we all know,

Cheryl Stuller: 34:00

You do you, boo boo. But then we're gonna have a conversation when that doesn't work out.

Stasha Boyd: 34:06

But that is part of it, though. I think and I think it's an important part is, you know, what, you want to be able to say what you need to say. And I think that's something else that we want to encourage all women to do is to say what you need to say to be effective when you say things to to not feel like you are being crunched and pushed down and that you are being you know, stifled or anything but also to be able to do it in a way that's moving you forward. That is you know, because a lot of women especially like you said, you know, women who are who are married decide this but like last 20 Some years taking care of children. And there's a lot of things you can't say around your own kids. There's a lot of time that you want to blame them for being stupid, but the fact is, it's like you don't you can't say that to a 10 year old. I am yes I am late today because you were being a dumbass but I'm not going to say that. Um, but the thing is, is that now the kids are the kids of their own now, it's like they they're they have the opportunity to go make their own lives, you know, and go with peace, go with grace, go with God, you'll never starve to death. You'll never be homeless. You'll always have a place here. But I also have a place here. And I think that's kind of why I try and tell my friends about the kids like, you know, I am absolutely 100% here to remind you that you're still a full whole person that who you are does not stop and end. And I might not have children, skin, children. I got my fur children might not have skin children. But I do have the ability to observe people. I'm very good observer. And I don't

Cheryl Stuller: 35:41

I know that you you kids didn't work out for you, but but you're also really good with kids.

Stasha Boyd: 35:49

Yeah, I love certain kids. I do. I really do. And I

Cheryl Stuller: 35:53

You did tell me one time when I brought all four mine over, and they were raising hell and you were like, Yeah, I love you. But don't bring your kids over here. I feel like that. So I got you in that.

Stasha Boyd: 36:09

Yeah, that's right. We bought the house and there was your mom was with you. And so and we still have air conditioning in the house at that time. It was like in the summer. And y'all were here. All the kids were here. We're sitting in like lawn chairs out in the side yard over here. Those children and we have the two dogs, right. We have the two dogs and one of them was brand new. And these kids are like running all over the place being little Hellions I'm like, What is with these hellions? Where are their parents? Oh, she's right here. Oh my god. And yes, if my dog bites one of them. Not my fault. Not the dog's fault either. Just so you know. I don't think I said, don't bring them back here. I didn't say it's like, I think what I said was next. Girl. Yeah. I'm sure I'm fair. No, I did. You're right. I totally said that. I'm pretty sure.

Cheryl Stuller: 36:58

You totally said that. And I was not offended because I was like, there's some days that I don't want all four.

Stasha Boyd: 37:08

And when they're that age, and there's four of them, they out they you know, they outnumber you you know and they can gang up and the next thing you know, you know you're just kind of swamped in this like, you know, immature childish you know, I know okay, they were like four to eight at this time. But anyway, they were just you you lose your ability sometime to go. Yeah, you're right. Because they're that little they do need you that bad.

Cheryl Stuller: 37:30

Oh, yeah. One standing in an anthill, crying and the other one is pulling the other one's hair. They're both screaming, and then the older one, you were like, where is she? Where did she go?

Stasha Boyd: 37:43

A lot. There's a lake right over there. Does she know how to swim? But no, and then your mother was just laughing her ass off. Oh my god. She thought it was hysterical.

Cheryl Stuller: 37:55

She was not the grandparent, that was gonna dip your toe in and help out. She was the sit in the lawn chair and watch it all happen grandparent.

Stasha Boyd: 38:05

Yes. And and you know, laugh about it, and tell you what, how wrong you were for everything you were doing?

Cheryl Stuller: 38:11

Exactly. I told you not to have them kids.

Stasha Boyd: 38:18

Oh, my God. But here's the thing I do. I do know people who have successfully raised children. I also know some people who have not have not successfully raised some children, at least not yet. And it's the same parents and the same children. Right? Right. Because they vacillate they think you're gonna have two people raised in the same household by the same parents. And those two children turn out completely differently. Um, and that's because that's their people. You know, and that's part of why I was trying to remind my friends so you know, I get it, I totally get it. And up until the kids have, like, real personalities that I have conversations with. They're just kind of there. You know, okay, there, whatever. I'm gonna wait until they become little people. And then when they become little people, I will decide if I like them or not. Now as their growing I can kind of take a step back, but once they became become old enough to be a fully formed person of their own, I got told why one for the other day, it's like, you know, yeah, they're, they're yours up until they're 18. But after that their mind, because I am the I Am the people, they're going to deal with the rest of their life. There's a billion there's billions of people on this planet. There's one mom, maybe two, sometimes three. But the thing is, is that you're raising your kids to be with me, to act with me to be around people like me, employers, friends, friends' mothers, people that they work with. And if your kids entire process has to be run through you, then it doesn't run through me. There's more of me now there used to be more of the kids and one you now there's a billions of me. I mean, one of your kid so I think that is one of the perspective sometimes I think that the the well you don't have kids you don't understand. Forget I'm like I say yeah, you do have kids and you don't understand. You know, because you don't want to see it because they're your babies.

Cheryl Stuller: 40:06

Well, and you have to learn how to parent, you know, I had four, you have to each child had to be parented differently. In some instances, and that's, you know, learning learning to navigate that. Yeah. helps you with a lot of relationships.

Stasha Boyd: 40:23

Yes, it does, oh, my God does it ever. But back to our lessons learned, I gotta tell you, one of the other things that I think is important that I wanted to add, and it kind of goes back with the the thing about the the impact of COVID on our lives by 2021. Um, one thing that I'm absolutely a people person, which is not a huge surprise, everybody knows that I'm a true introvert. But I have discovered, having everybody kind of taken away, and then when they start to come back, I recognize people who are either cranky or poots, or they're not enthusiastic, they're just whiny, they complain, whatever it is, and I don't want to make room for them anymore. I think that's one of the things that I really learned is that I don't, I had that negativity taken away, because of COVID. I mean, all the good people were taking away too, but the but that all that was gone. And then as people are starting to come back into my life, I'm realizing that there's some people in this world that are just either cranky and complainer's, or they never, they never really take time to be interested in you, you were an audience for them. You know, their life, they can talk about forever, but they can never talk about yours. They couldn't ask you anything. And I was realizing I'm like, You know what? I think as I move forward, one of my lessons learned from this year, and impart from our conversations, you know, we talked about friendships, and we talked about relationships, that I don't want to be the person who's working so hard to make a miserable person happy.

Cheryl Stuller: 41:58

Right? Or be there for somebody who's not going to be there for you.

Stasha Boyd: 42:03

Yeah, as a wise woman once said, People don't change.

Cheryl Stuller: 42:07

People don't change. If they do it's really, really rare.

Stasha Boyd: 42:13

And it will never have anything to do with you. It was like nothing, you say nothing. You tried to say nothing, you didn't say nothing you did. It will never have anything to do with that it'll be something deep within themselves, if they decide they want to be different.

Cheryl Stuller: 42:27

And and that's another thing I've learned in therapy. And this was a hard one for me, I pushed back with my therapist a lot. And I don't even know if I'm still quite there. But she, you know, I would describe a behavior and how that affected me. And she would say, you know, that has nothing to do with you. I'm like, What do you mean, it has everything to do with me it affects? It affects me this this in this way? And she goes, it could affect you that way, but it still has nothing to do with you. So I really had to I you know, and be and because we've been open and talking about things I can't expect our listeners to to learn and grow if I'm not willing to learn and grow. And I would have to say, okay, just break that down for my sister girl. Because I am not understanding how you're not saying that this is not about me. Because it feels very much about me.

Stasha Boyd: 43:25

Am I in the conversation? Am I in the room? Well, then, of course, it's about me, right?

Cheryl Stuller: 43:31

Well, it's about and this is what I go back to when we talked about family. And that is when it when people treat you a certain way. Oftentimes it's more about them, how they grew up, what they're going through and less about you the person that you are, yeah, whether you allow it to be in your life or not, is all about you. And if you're gonna stand up for yourself, tolerate it, try to talk through and change it, whatever decision you decide to make is on you. But, you know, oftentimes people behave the way they behave, because that's who they are. And that part of it really does have nothing to do with you.

Stasha Boyd: 44:14

And that's another shout out to my girl my favorite Corinne Crabtree, I mean, listening to her podcast, one of the things that she she really kind of laid in there about is that and it goes also goes back to the seven habits book, but that whole idea that what people say and what they do and how they act, you decide how you feel about it. They don't make you do anything they don't. They're not hurting your feelings. They've said something and you've decided that what they said was hurtful. And you can and then you've decided to stay with the hurt, you know, and then you've decided that it was intentional. And then you've decided that asshole How dare they they need to change. And it's like, okay, you could have stopped at Wow, that was hurtful and said, I don't want to hurt about this anymore. I don't have to, I can look at that now and say, okay, they just said something hurtful, I don't have to stay hurt about it. And that kind of learning, that kind of ability to to master your own mind is, I think you don't have to have 50 degrees to do this, you don't have to be some kind of rocket scientist genius. All you have to do is recognize that other people get to think what they want. Other people are going to say what they want. And no matter what happens, in almost all situations, you get to decide how you're going to react to it. Now there is obviously and you've talked about this before, it's important because there is a point where things shift over into true abusiveness or the person shifts from being a participant to actually being an intentional victim of somebody else's mental emotional manipulation, emotional manipulation. And when those things occur, that person does have less ability to take control of their mind. That's when you need friends, and therapists and people around them to hold them up and help them and that's what we are here to do for each other and for our friends.

Cheryl Stuller: 46:10

And it's important too, because you said that, I want to make it clear that we're not saying that you don't get to be hurt by something, or angry by something, or that something somebody chooses to do does not affect you emotionally, what we're saying is, you get to have that time that you feel that, whether you stay in that or stay in that situation, or with that person, that's the part that's on you.

Stasha Boyd: 46:38

Yeah, and the meaning you get to assign to it, because you're right, I think that that is important to realize that, you know, if somebody says something truly hurtful, you get to be hurt. And you and especially if it was something that was really kind of egregious, because sometimes it's like, you know, I don't know how to get past this particular hurt, it was that awful. And it hurt me that deeply. Um, and I'm gonna have to think about how to sit for a little while, right. But you do know that the moment you recognize it for what it is, then you can decide how you're going to move forward with the hurt, right, you can decide whether you're going to either set it down from time to time, and then pick it back up. Or you can decide whether you're like, Okay, I am going to make a change in my life, because I know, they're not going to make a change in theirs. Or you can say, You know what, I'm going to work through this, I'm going to talk to them about it, we're going to come to some some kind of an agreement, if nothing else, they're going to hear from me, what just happened and how I feel and what they said and why it affected me. And then then they can decide if they want to take that into consideration. And I can observe their behavior, and decide if that's enough.

Cheryl Stuller: 47:39

Another thing I just learned in therapy, and this happened actually, in a conversation that I was having with someone, um, they said what they said, um, but didn't really mean it the way they said it. So, but I took it, you know, the way it hurt me, you know, the way it affected me the way at hurt me. So a way to get kind of around that to create a better flow of communication, is to say, Okay, what I heard you say was, and repeat it back to them? Is that what you meant to say? Yeah, and then they have an opportunity to say, you know, oh, gosh, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Or that's not the intention that I meant. Here's what I was really saying, when I said that.

Stasha Boyd: 48:29

Or they get to say, you know, you always take things that way, you know, and then you can observe, you can see how they're going to react, you know.

Cheryl Stuller: 48:36

You can sit back and observe exactly we've taught, we've talked about that enough, in some of these podcasts to really see what particular behaviors are, and what the root of those are and where they're coming from. And it's almost cool to sit back a little bit, take the emotion out of it when you're able to do that and say, Okay, I really see this for what this was. Am I going to put up with this? Are we going to try to work through this? Or do I need to thank you and next.

Stasha Boyd: 49:07

Yeah, absolutely. And that's thing you have, there's always options. I think that's everything that I had on my list. Was there anything on your list that we missed that we hadn't talked about yet?

Cheryl Stuller: 49:18

Nope. I got everything. I thought this was a great podcast today.

Stasha Boyd: 49:22

And I think it was a great the experience of doing this podcast for us. And certainly, I hope for our listeners, you know, it has been such a time of learning and enjoyment and fun and laughter and you know, getting to like you said, really rediscover your own voice. This has been a ton of fun. And we want to let our listeners know we're gonna be taking a little bit of a break in December. Because like, you know, it gets crazy for everybody. And so we're gonna take a little bit of a break. And then we're during the same time though we're gonna be looking ahead to next year and say, Okay, what do we want to keep from this year? What do we want to change for next year? What are what is our moving forward going to look like for the two of us. And so that's what we're gonna be at. So this is going to be our, our last episode for 2021. And I think this is gonna drop like those first or second week of December. And then we will come back in the early next year and say, Okay, what's what are we doing moving forward?

Cheryl Stuller: 50:20

And we would like to hear from all of you as to what you would like to hear about, have us talk about, have us learn about, and include all of you in on, you know, as by doing this for our listeners, too, so,

Stasha Boyd: 50:34

Yes, absolutely. Well, that's what I got. Whenever you tell everybody what our cocktails were, ladies, I was having a hot hot chocolate. And on the website on our show notes, I was actually using a thing called peppermint chocolate choad with chocolate liquer. So there's a recipe on there for that one, which is really delicious. And Cheryl you were having, you put on the website, sparkling pomegranate cocktail.

Cheryl Stuller: 51:01

And I tried it and the pomegranate is a little bit too sweet for me. I don't like a sweet drink. I like a tart tree. Yeah, so I would if you like the pomegranate fine, but it's pomegranate and a sparkling wine. And I like Prosecco. Because it's a little drier. Yeah, you can change that out to just cranberry and make it tarter if you don't like the sweet.

Stasha Boyd: 51:23

And there is a cranberry pomegranate. Because I have some down in the house right now. And it's a little bit tarter than the than the pomegranate cocktail. Yeah. All right, ladies, everybody, thank you so much. We are going to wrap up 2021 It's been a hell of a year, hell of a year on so many different levels in so many different ways. But we thank you all for being with us on this, this journey and for like hanging out and listening and responding and asking and you are you are why we do this. And thank you for giving us the opportunity. We truly, truly appreciate it.

Cheryl Stuller: 51:58

Yes, absolutely.

Stasha Boyd: 52:00

All right, everybody. Bye.

Cheryl Stuller: 52:02

Great Christmas.

Stasha Boyd: 52:04

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Bye